Couple's Unspoken Signs

If you have been part of a couple long enough, you and your significant other, whether you realized it or not, have a way of communicating to each other, that the untrained eye cannot see.

For example, at Costco, when there is a sample you just can't pass up, and you know that your hubs isn't into it, and you want a second one, you toss out, "babe, you want one?"  He, being a smart man, readily agrees, then you, the sly fox that you are, get to grab one more for the road, not feeling the least bit guilty about swiping the last one from the grasp of a germ carrying tax deduction, who doesn't even have their own Costco card.

Now, if you are new to dating each other, you may get a different reaction, maybe a deer in headlights look, followed by a negative response, which leads to a crusty discussion about how you don't seem to remember their revulsion of cream puffs, "really, you don't remember that really traumatic chocolate fountain episode at my cousins wedding, when I had to leave early, because no one would believe it was chocolate sauce all over my ass?"

Since, it is new love, you really don't want to let it slip that you are just a friggin pig, wanting two, but are too passive to just grab two of your own, because only assholes take two for themselves. (Really it's true, assholes take two, and also park the damn carts in the middle of the aisle blocking your way to the over sized pickle jars.) And trust us, we totally remember the phobia you have over chocolate fountains, and we can't help but to giggle, as we devour our single cream puff, longing for the one that got away.

Or if you are at the in laws, (their family, not your family, because as we all know your family is the sane one, wink wink), and it is just too much, you heard this tale about the TV remote a thousand times, it stopped being funny ten years ago. The kids are cranky, tired and wound up all at the same time, you just want to get home, put on comfy pants, while finally catching the new episode of Survivor, waiting on DVR since Wednesday.

So you give the very gentle head nod pointing to the door, and the quick tapping on the non existent watch, and because your wife is so very clever, she knows, it is time to blow this joint. She packs up the left over dip, tosses the empty chip bags, then grabs the extra tub of chocolate ice cream, before anyone else claims it, you make your quick goodbyes, but before you are out of drive, you weigh the consequences of leaving behind the toddlers left shoe, or having to unload everyone to go search for the damn thing. (ah heck, they are hand me downs, from two other cousins, forget the sucker and "punch it Grover")

While the newly engaged, may miss the "can we please get out of here" signal, or may even mistake it for a suggestion to play that "awesome" party game the family just loves, (the one that makes you want to poke your eyes out), which will lead to a huge fight on the way home, causing another "really, this is the one, we are getting married, trust me this time" relationship to crash and burn, getting destroyed by a way too long game of Wizard. They had such potential, but it was a love that burned too fast and too hard, destroyed by one bid too many.

Or maybe it is the rolled eyes, given at the parent/teacher conference, and you know instantly that this teacher is nuts, but the school year is more than half over and there is no way you two are going to do anything about it now, oh well, how much does second grade matter anyway?

Or it is the "hey, hey" with a jerk of the head, and you cast your eyes over the crowd and see the guy in the sweat pants, head band, and scruffy beard, causing you both to giggle, because you know that he looks just like that annoying guy from the gym, that never wipes off the machines, and rides the reclining bikes in flip flops, that you two have dubbed, "too sexy for my shirt" guy.

So why am I going on about these unspoken signals, because I think my hubs is sending me one, one that let's me think he really wants a fight, or maybe even a quick death, (just kidding, I would never, ever... well...are his insurance premiums up to date? ;-).

I swear, every time I open the dishwasher after he has partially loaded it with dishes, he is asking for a fight, like a serious knock down, dragged out fight, leading to broken dishes and loooong periods of silence, with drawn out sighs. Why else would he keep loading it the same fricking, stupid, lame way, really, large cups where the short ones go, utensils on the top rack, not stacking the bowls, really I could go on and on, sure I realize maybe it is his way of telling me he really hates loading the dishes and just wants me to be more proactive, and to get off my fat ass to take care of them, since it seems he is sending me the same message when he unloads the damn thing, "really, after all these years you don't know where the lids go?"

Maybe it is a man brain thing, something he can't control, you know, he is the hunter, out looking for the large things, and I am the gatherer, looking for the small things.

Now, don't get me wrong, I am not perfect, and I am sure I send him unspoken signals all the time, like when I ask if he is thirsty, while we are out, it is really me that wants something, but I don't want to be a bother. Silly I know. Or maybe when I get super excited about a new thrift store find, and he just hears, oh great more money wasted on crap she is going to hoard for years and years, doing nothing with it until she sells it for next to nothing at a yardsale.

But all couples have these signals, and the longer you are together the less obvious they need to be.

Like that look you give him, letting them know you are up for some mysterious business, and they need to find you a bathroom ASAP, cause this code five is coming on fast.

Maybe if you start paying attention, you can catch on to the signals other couples share. And maybe if my husband is lucky, he will live to see another sink full of dirty dishes, waiting to be loaded the correct way.

Blah...blah....blah

My 5 year old asked me if anyone has told me I am fat. 

Uuuummmmm yeah all the damn time, I freaking know I am fat, trust me, you aren't the first nor the last.

I am currently fatter than I have ever been, more outta shape than I have ever been, trust me I know.

I want to write more, but screw it. 

Star Wars TFA theories on a galaxy far away and long ago.

Arrrrgghhhh........I hate this blogging program.

Ok second time is a charm.

So I grew up watching star wars and I have brothers, uncles, friends who were totally into them.  Me, well not as much unless I thought it might give me bonus points with a guy.  Anyway, I knew the jest of it.  Heck I played Leia in the playground. Just don't ask me who the bounty hunter that took Han to Jabba. (Bubba or Janga?)

I even watched the next three, some even in the theater.  But with this next one coming, I re-watched them with my younger boys and it got me excited to see this new one. So we forked over our hard earned money, not just once mind you, but twice.  We rarely get date nights, so to spend two of them watching the same movie is not a common occurance.

Since I fell down some stairs, I had a bit of sitting around on my butt time, reading became a frequent activity, and so I spent time researching some of the questions the film left me with.  So here I go with what I am theorizing, about the answers Wookiepedia couldn't give me.  Spoilers coming,  don't say I didn't warn ya. 

So you know that trailer were Luke is talking about the force being strong in his family,  "My father had it, I had it, my sister had it, and you have it."  Well what if it wasn't Rey he was speaking to but Ben Solo. I mean that would fit too.  Hear me out. 

So Leia and Han get it on.  Have a son,  and they know the force is strong with him.  And not wanting to repeat an Anakin situation, (oops, too late). They agree to ship him off to his weird uncle Luke's place for training. But Ben doesn't want training, like the rest of all of America he wants to be like his dad.  The cool handsome guy flying around space shooting at aliens first.  Staying alive without no stinking dumb force anyway, geez.

But off he goes, learning how to move rocks around on lame uncle Luke's farm,  "come on little ones, if we don't get this field cleared in time we can't get those seeds planted. Use that force, move those rocks."

But Ben waits, he just knows his dad will come save him.  He can just imagine them together, being chased for lost bets and giving bounty hunters the slip. 

But dear old dad never comes, he is off with some big hairy animal instead of his own kid. "So fine, dad doesn't love me, mom sent me here, Luke is just weird. I'll make someone else my hero.  Darth Vader, dear old grandad. Never mind he wanted to kill my mom, he is awesome, he wears black, has awesome theme music and I want to be him." So he takes off to Endor, finds grandpa's remains and starts his own club.  (The creepy grandpa worshipping emotional goth club) He gets a bunch of cronies and they return to dear old uncle Luke's place just in time for harvest. 

Meanwhile 20 or so years earlier, old hermet Ben, I mean Obi, gets bored watching Luke build droids, so he takes a nice slave wife, slave are everywhere in this galaxy, makes you wonder about that Lucas perv, doesn't it, hot slaves in gold bikinis even. Since the Jedi are over, he can have sex, oh I mean, love in his life.  He has a family.  All is doing well until he feels the dark side growing or hears Vaders theme playing, so he sends the fam away, far far away.  And heads off chasing down the Skywalker he couldn't kill the first time around. Which for him ends badly.  While on another planet, a daughter gets knocked up like Anakins mom did, no dad, just full with child. Explaining all the force that kick ass Rey has.

Since this universe is a small one, his granddaughter Rey, (as in a rey of light, to over come the darkness, we see what you did there) is taken to Luke's Jedi Training and Beet Farm, to learn how to move rocks, with a moody Ben Solo. She is still young and just thinks it's a fun game.  Well after Ben storms off, Luke sends Rey away, she is Obi-Wan's grandkid after all, he wants to keep her safe. But he doesn't want to know where, incase someone, an evil someone, sucks it out of him.  So Ben grows darker and Rey grows hungrier. 

Kylo Ren and his cronies show up to the farm and take out all that are left. But he realizes that Rey is not there, so she must be out there in the universe somewhere getting thirsty and "hot".

Soon fate or Disney brings Rey and Kylo back together again, "I know you, I've danced with you, ...once upon a dream. (For you space nerds, that is from Sleeping Beauty, where a clueless princess is hidden away from the dark side, before being put into stasis and having a regular non jedi knight save her ) soon Luke and Rey are running around the galaxy chasing Kylo, after he  is the universes largest douche bag wearing a mask, for killing Han. "I learned it by watching you dad, you," oh and all while a love triagle is played out, team Fin anyone?

But Kylo wins out, he becomes Ben Solo again, him and Rey get married and she is now part Skywalker so it still ends with it being a saga about those tricky Skywalkers afterall.

I am sure some won't agree with me, and I am even more sure this won't be read by anyone but the Disney lawyers, but if you do have a reason why I am way wrong just leave me a comment.

Damn it

Really, I was on a roll, thought I was getting somewhere, with a new entry, but nope, I was typing something that just disappeared to who the hell knows where. 

I am just darn tired of standing on the edge of this enormous cliff thinking I gotta just take a leap of faith.  But you know what, that is all bull crap. Because who says the only way down is to jump? 

Maybe there are some stairs, or even better, an elevator with some sweet instrumental 90's grunge music playing?

Who the hell tells people that in order to succeed you have to take a leap of faith and jump.  That is sadistic, really, "hey want to take a chance on yourself,  jump off this cliff and hope something flies out of the sky and catches you or else you are mince meat."

Who came up with that?  Was it from Satan in the Bible tempting Jesus to jump?  I wouldn't put it past that bastard.
And just for that reason we need to stop using that (oh dang it, what is the right word, analogy, symbol, metaphor?) Well whatever it is, you know what I mean. 

Damn it, why can't we say, "look, try it,  see what happens, we are here to support you, you won't fall"? No we all have to be selfish aholes, "jump and see what happens", while we sit back eating pop corn waiting for the show, oh how we love to see people fail in this world.  We love to see people get knocked down and be beat to a pulp before we are willing to embrace them and cheer them as they climb back up that damn lonely cliff. 

Like what the hell, we can't just be there and be happy for them just to try something new and different?

But don't take any of this too serious,  I am just a sad, lonely, 40 year old lady, leaning over the edge of this same damn cliff for decades now, watching the bottom get further and further away, as life hands me more responsibilities, kids, hubs, house, bills, pets, ...on and on. Waiting for the leap I take, to be all that I have inside of me to be.

Well screw it I say, where the hell is that elevator anyway?

What are your priorities?

Over in Egypt, Christians are being beheaded, while in America Christians are being condemn for which movies they choose to watch, time get our priorities in order Americans, while we bicker here, a greater evil is taking over over the world, true hate in the name of religion. How much longer are we going to let petty differences distract us from the real issues?

I don't care what name is on the Church you attend, I don't care how many Gods you may or may not worship, but I do care about other humans and their right to worship freely. Or not to worship as they wish, freely.

But killing others because a God told you to is not acceptable.

Stop the hate, spread some love. Pray, wish, hope, work, for greater understanding and acceptance.

Hate is hate regardless of the reasons or direction it is sent.

Faith can work miracles and knows no limits or conditions to whom you do or do not pray to.

Let us come together as humans to protect all other humans. If we do not we are no better than those doing the killing.

"...love one another, as I have loved you." John 15:12

"...Be not afraid, only believe."
Mark 5:36

50 Shades of Grey, my thoughts, it isn't sex, but connections women want.

Ok so here's the deal, and I know this is going to offend some of you, but that is alright, because offense can always be easily found.

Here I go, even though I am a very opened and honest person, this isn't something I do with ease, because really, it is opening me up for all sorts of judgement, from all sorts of people.

Do you realize what you are saying when you call something "trash, smut, sleazy, and nasty?" You are also implying that those who have taken part of those experiences are "trash, smut, sleazy and nasty,"

I am not in your bedroom, and you are not in mine, which I am sure we are all glad for, but for some reason it is perfectly fine to put on blast your feelings about what may be going on in others relationships. Yes certain movies and books may not be your cup of tea,but we aren't all the same, how boring would that be? I would not judge you for what you enjoy, but it is ok for you to judge others?

Ok, I will stop beating around the bush and I will just come out and say it, I am talking about 50 Shades of Grey, no I am not endorsing it, I am not going to tell you to read it, but I am going to ask that you take a step back, think a moment.
The majority of the readers are mothers over the age of 30.
Mothers over the age of 30.

Instead of beating these women up, making them feel as if they need to hide and be ashamed, why don't we maybe think about why this book resonates with so many. I mean come on, 100 million copies have been sold, and that isn't counting ones borrowed from friends and libraries and read as ebooks.

So please don't act like you don't know anyone who might have read these books. Don't act like you are better than because your sin is different. Do not call these wifes, mothers, friends, neighbors, "trashy, smutty, sleazy and nasty."

Instead take a moment to think about what these ladies might be missing in their lives.

Please don't say, oh they are all closet gold diggers, or they are just dirty old women, wanting some unrealistic fantasy, that they are wanting something that can't be reached and that isn't healthy.

Well to me, maybe they are wanting a connection, maybe they want someone to notice them, to want and desire them? Maybe they feel lost and alone and just wish to feel connected to someone who loves them.

Maybe they need a change in their lives.

No, these aren't diluted females, waiting for their own Christian, these are moms, and I have to assume many of them are married moms. They don't expect handsome men to stop them on the street and offer them helicopter rides.

But they would love a man to kiss them passionately in an elevator, or maybe in the kitchen and who can shame a woman for wanting that?

They want more of a connection, more love.

So when you say, "oh but if this book replaced the sex scenes with diarrhea episodes would you still read it", that is just silly. There is more to these books than sex. Just like if you judge this book, you are judging more than just the author.

So I am asking you to stop the judging and maybe think of ways to help these women connect with their spouses and partners.

I ran across this TEDxCu talk, (after watching one on domestic abuse a cousin posted), and while I watched it, I realized this is what we should be promoting, healthy relationships, rather than shaming others. There is a reason there is a market for these books, why it hits a nerve with so many. Not because of just the sex, (before you attack me for being naive, yes I know some just wanted the sex aspect, but that isn't the only attraction to these stories and even if they just wanted to read the sexy bits, is it your place to judge others?)

So please take the time to watch this video and think about the couples in your life, and how maybe more attention to the loss of sexual connection in relationship would make the world better, instead of tossing hate and judgement around.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ep2MAx95m20

Suicide, and what is left behind.

I couldn't sleep, and instead of tossing and turning and keeping my husband up, I figured I needed to get up and let all of these thoughts out of my head.

I don't want anyone to get the wrong picture here, yes I knew Justin, yes he made me laugh and smile, and yes he had a way to make you want to wipe that smirk right off of his face, but my loss isn't the same as my husbands, nor is it the same as his children's, or his families, I can't tell you what they feel, but I know how I feel, and I know the thoughts his passing has brought up in me. My intent is not to offend, but to help others.

First off, What the Hell, Really, you self centered asshole, why the eff would you do this to your loved ones? What the hell, I mean really, what a self centered asshole, jerk thing to do, you complete douch, don't you know you have now messed up your kids for life, for forever? What about your parents, what the hell?? Really, man??  Your siblings, it wasn't enough for your family to go through this once, but twice now? Really?? What about your friends, the ones that had your back, who loved you like a brother, who stood by your side, regardless, even after you pushed and pushed and pushed them away.

I mean really, if your weren't dead I would kick your ass.

Ok, so that seems bad, hurtful and cold, but it is just one set of thoughts that are running through my head since you decided you couldn't take no more.

But here are some others;

What more could have been done, what did you need to get out of all that darkness? What more should have been done? Did you feel loved enough? Did you need more tough love? Did something happen to you that you couldn't share, did someone damage you? Who hurt you, and left you in this state? Was it us? Was it someone who loved you? Did you need more? Did you take too much? Did we give you too much? Could you have learned? Could you have changed? What needed to be done? Did we give up on you too soon?

You are going to be missed, more than you can ever imagine, and by more than you realize, your last choice is one that will leave ripples through out time.

I wish there was a magic word that would have pulled you out of this, I wish there was a way to bring you back, to get you to see all the love the world had for you. That you could realize that wasn't your only choice, that it didn't need to end this way, that you were better than this, that so many really wanted you to shine.

You have left behind love ones that are broken, spent and left incomplete.  You have left a hole that no one else will ever be able to fill. You left, left us, left Jaime to pick up the pieces, left your children to face this world with out one more fighting in their corner, you left your parents, even after the pain you saw them go through before, losing another child, You left your siblings and friends, you left. Just left, you made your choice and found it a fitting answer, for everyone left behind to question. 

While you think you got the last word you didn't. You may have ended it on your terms,  we get the finally say. We get to decide how we will remember you. How you will be held in our hearts.

The pain is fresh, the hurt and betrayal is new, shock is still holding on tight, but this won't last, the pain will get softer around the edges, the betrayal will fade, and the shock will lift as the reality of it will settle in, as we look around and realize that the world hasn't stopped moving, that time still moves on, and that is when we will remember you, the one that was the real you, the one you didn't think we saw anymore, your smile, your twisted sense of humor, your smarts, and talents, your love and friendship.

That my friend is the last word we will have, the peace we will feel knowing you are no longer struggling, that you know just how much you are truly loved and missed. We will carry a piece of you with us. Not that it is close to really having you here, but it is all we are left with, so it is all we can carry with us.  Peace for you and for your loved ones.

Peace to you Justin.