I got up early today because I was tired of my baby using me as a human pacifier. I love him, but he doesn't need to use me every hour and a half to get back to sleep. I know what is wrong with him, he needs to poop. I feel bad for him, and I want to comfort him, but letting him mindlessly nurse isn't going to help him in the long run. It will only teach him that food is there to comfort him, which as you may not know from all my other post is a very bad idea.
I watched Anderson the other afternoon, which isn't a bad show by the way, and it was all about eating, and eating disorders. Not the binge and purging type, but the why we eat the way we do. You know angry eating, night eating, that sort of thing and it talked about something I have known for a long time, our eating habits are formed when we are children. I know I am a spontaneous and implosive eater. I also want to eat it now, so I get my share. Because growing up we were very poor at times, with seven kids, if you didn't eat it then, someone else would. To add to this, I would, at times go hungry. If you haven't ever gone without food, you don't know what it is like. I also had younger siblings to worry about. My mother would be in the hospital for months on end, my father would be out working for hours on end and I would be home with four younger brothers in the house and have no food to make them. (maybe that is why I connect feeding people, with showing my love for them, again, something I need to think about)
I struggle with this still to this day, I hate to think about my children going hungry, especially going to bed without any food. My husband on the other hand had a different childhood.
Yes, they were also poor, but not as poor as us. The also had one more child than us, eight kids to feed. But he had celiac sprue disease, where he couldn't eat gluten. So he had his own special food no one else could eat. So he learned to be a hoarder. He didn't have to worry about finishing his food, because no one else was allowed to eat it. He also would go to bed without eating dinner if it was something he didn't like. So he looks at food in a very different way than I do. But I can't help but think that if just maybe he had to starve a few times, he would have learned to be grateful and eat anything. (I just realized, I hadn't before understood that I saw my husband as ungrateful for the food I provide him. That is very interesting, I need to think about that for a while. That might be part of our on going battle we have over dinner. But I need to feel this out first). Also, I am jealous that food is just food to him. Clearly it isn't to me, but he doesn't think about food, or wonder what his next meal will be, or what he wants to make, or but at the grocery store, while food is on my mind all the time. Eating it, making it, shopping for it. Besides my children, that is what takes up most of my time.
When I decided to write today, I didn't have this topic in mind. I was going to write about how I feel lonely, but I got to say, I got past that feeling really quickly. That I can say is from my working out, it has helped me mentally, so much so, I now work out with out thinking about it. All this week, I just knew it was something I needed to do, so I just went and did it. I was able to walk for an hour yesterday, not because before it was a struggle, but because the babies slept enough for me. It was awesome. Some days I am lucky if I get 30 minutes in, before they wake up. I haven't seen too many big changes, but a lot of little ones, from my mental state, to my energy level, to my shoes fitting better. I want to see some big changes, but I know that will take a lot more time and effort. But at least I am giving myself a fighting chance.
I am going to go, and try to sleep, because the babies will be up soon. But I am going to think about my newly discovered feelings I have about my husband and his eating issues and see how this makes me feel.
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