My relationship with food

To be perfectly honest, I do not know what my relationship with food is. I wish I knew. I love it, I get all sorts of pleasure from it, whether it is eating it or making it. I love taking my time to make something, whether it is something I have made a hundred times before, or if it is the first time I have made it, and the only thing that makes it all worth it is if someone enjoys it. Sure I will like it, but I want someone else to truly enjoy it. I want to wow someone, but that does not happen all the often anymore. I live with my husband, a teenager and two small boys, they make it very hard on me, they have a very different relationship with food.

My hubs is super picky when it comes to food, and he always seems to criticize my cooking.  He is so picky he doesn't ever let me make the easy things like tacos, or spaghetti, I can't even make the hamburgers.  If I do make them because he is busy or will be home super late, he finds a way to remind me that he likes the way he cooks better. He will be eating the food, and yet can't say wow babe thanks, that was good. It is always something like, next time when you make this can you do XY and Z instead??? It isn't as if I add extra stuff, or that I cook with different ingredients than him. I open the same type of sauce and cook the same noodles, but I make them taste different than what he wants. Maybe the meat isn't in small enough chunks, or too big of chunks. Maybe I salted the noodle water and he doesn't. It isn't as if I add mayo to the sauce, or put ice cream in the taco meat. It is always small things, but do they really change the meal, or make it inedible?  Not really, but he can't just be happy, he has to make his suggestions or tell me how it wasn't as good as when he makes it. 

He doesn't seem to get that this does not help me and that it hurts. I mean it is good enough for you to eat it, why can't he just be grateful??  The worst is when he acts like he enjoyed eating a particular meal, he will even say nice things about it, then the next time I suggest making it, he tells me everything that was wrong with it, or that he didn't like it anyways. So I feel as if he lied to me and that I really can't trust his opinion and what he tells me about food or anything else. I am not even sure he knows that he does it.  When I remind him that he seemed to like it, he looks at me like I am crazy and becomes more negative about it.  This makes my cooking anything even harder, because I never know what he wants or expects from me. He is also bothered that when I cook I don't use a recipe most of the time, and so things won't taste just the same next time.

My teenager can't be bothered to tell me what he thinks of my food as he eats everything in sight. The most I will ever get from him is either "meh" or it was "good." Not much else. He used to love my cooking, loved tasting things for me, loved giving me input. But know he seems to think I am an idiot that needs all sorts of help, but I can't expect it from him. It is a miracle to get him to help in the kitchen anymore. Even if it is just to get something off the top shelf for me.

My youngest boys aren't ones that can provide input other than "ummm good" from the toddler.  The other is still nursing.

I feel empty and alone when it comes to my food quest, that I am here taking this path all on my own. I am also a stay at home mom, with a limited income, so I don't have many pleasures or escapes, so I think I have made cooking one of them. I know grocery shopping has become one. I enjoy finding new products to try in the store and love creating something new. I find cooking a challenge, and can really get a boost of self esteem from it. But just imagine what could happen if someone was to respond in a positive way over something I have made., what that would do for me.  I want to explore food, and the way it makes me feels and my emotional response to it. Why do I crave certain things, why I am driven to conquer certain things, like bread. I want to understand why I find passion in cooking and eating.

I wish I didn't feel an emotional connection to food, I wish I could just see it as something that helped me live. But it is so much more. It makes me feel good, it can make me feel guilty, I can have pride in something I make, but also feel completely devastated when something doesn't work, or if someone doesn't like what I make. How do you think it makes me feel when I make a dinner I know on else wants to even try?

I know I am not the only one that feels this way. I know that for many people food is much more than a means to an end. Maybe I need to realize that I am the only one that I can control, and that I will have to find a way to find joy in myself and my food. That I can't rely on others, but that brings me back to feeling all alone.

If you have to rely on yourself for all your happiness and joy, you feel isolated and cut off. Why be married and have a family then? Why be social animals?  I don't think it is healthy for humans to be expected to find all their joy from themselves. I think we need that from others also, my problem is that I tie my self esteem to food, whether it is making it or eating it, and I have a family of people who don't give a crap about whether I feel good about my cooking, and my relationship with food good or bad. They don't understand that it seems to make me who I am and what I am about. I mean come on, I didn't get this big without having some sort of relationship with food. I am just trying to turn it around to a healthy one. One that makes me a better person. So in the end I guess I am on my own, and will always will be. And that to me is just sad. Makes me want to go find something good to eat.

Comfort food, isn't it great?

So the other day about a week ago, I was having a hard time of it. Just a rough day, I don't remember all of it, but my Great Aunt had passed away, and that was enough to make me want to feel comforted, and as an over weight woman in America I have learned to do that with food. It is a shame that is something we turn to, but I guess you can say it could be something worse.  But at the same time, being overweight has killed millions and millions of people, so not much else is worse really. That is one of the reason I started this blog, to get away from turning to food as a crutch, also to track my becoming a better person. A healthier person, both physically and emotionally.

But on this day, I didn't care, I wanted to feel full and warm, and not have a care in the world about it.  So I turned to a dish that I love for its creaminess.  I saw a version of it made on a cooking show, but I think I have  changed it up enough to write it up on here.

 1/2 half pound bow tie pasta cooked and drained, in the same pan with the noodles, add frozen peas and carrots about a cup and a half, actually to the water before you start to drain the pasta, so it defrost the veggies. With the pasta and veggies,  add 4 TBS of butter, and a half of cube of cream cheese. Leave the burner on med low, to melt the cheese, add diced ham about 3/4 of a cup, and 3/4 cup of sour cream, 3 diced scallions, salt and paper to taste, along with garlic powder about a teaspoon. mix together. Top with parmesan cheese and serve warm.

You could add what ever meat you had leftover, turkey, chicken, pork, what ever you have on hand that is precooked. Also you can change the veggies like maybe mushrooms, maybe add red onions or peppers.  If you want a deeper cheese flavor some really good ones would be muenster or havarti, either would be good. Or heck, good old cheese from a jar would work, you know that processed cheese food product you find on the shelf, not in the dairy aisle.  If you are the type that needs a bit of a crunch, you can always top with chow mien noodles, or crushed croutons. What is good about comfort food is that you can make it completely your own. Think about it, what comfort food doesn't taste better with either more cheese, or topped with bacon, or drizzled with chocolate?

My sons sometimes like this, depending on their mood that day.  But I can say for a while it helped my mood, made me feel safe. But I did make sure I got on the treadmill the next day.  And to be honest, that worked so much better, because it didn't come with a side of guilt, like too much comfort food can.

Flan, yeah I said Flan.

After wanting to make spaetzle all week, for some crazy reason I took a left turn and decided to make flan. I had company coming over for dinner and thought, hey why not give it a try. So I did. It was my first time ever. I have made a baked custard before but it isn't quite the same thing.  I have had flan before and sometimes it is awesome, other times it is really, really bad. Like super gross bad.

 I think the hardest part was getting the sugar cooked just right, you don't realize just how much that flavors the flan until you mess it up. I was so worried about shaking the sugar that I forgot the part about turning the burner down. Now it wasn't burnt, but it was close to it, and left a bitter taste on the flan. It got really dark also. I knew as soon as I poured the caramel on the dish that it cooked to high, because it got hard right away. It shouldn't have, it also cracked as soon as I poured the cold egg mixture on it. Another bad sign, I should have went with my gut and re did the sugar, next time I will know.

 I was also worried about mixing the eggs too much because the recipe warned about leaving too much foam, how it would effect the texture, so instead I ended up with patches of egg whites that weren't mixed in enough and got really hard. So it was a bit weird in spots.

Also, it was too thin, if I am going to use the same pan I need to make a larger patch.

I added blueberries also, I thought they were a nice touch. I don't think they effected anything other than the color.

I enjoyed making this, I have always been scared to mess with melting sugar, but it was really easy.  I won't be scared next time, and should be able to pull it off better. I need to think of other things I can use this sugar technique on, like maybe on the bottom of cinnamon rolls, or pineapple upside down cake. It would help make the cake more moist and yummy.  Oh man, it is making me drool just thinking about it.  Yummy, yummy caramel goodness.

So how did my flan turn out over all? I would say it was a 4, maybe a 5. It wasn't super gross, just needed to be tweaked a bit. Maybe in a few weeks I can make another one, when my teenager is around and he can honestly critique me, and eat all the left overs.  And yes this time I have photos, enjoy!

As you can see the top one is after it was turned over, the bottom is the top side, which I think looks prettier.

I am not sure why I wanted to make this, I was first introduced to flan years ago when I was just a teenager, and they had made the instant kind, out of a box. I have had it since in restaurants, and surprisingly the box was one of the best.  I think I thought it was a super hard thing to make, but in the end it really wasn't. If you have any sort of egg making skills, you should be able to make this. Just beware of the temperature of the sugar while you are melting it, and however the sugar ends up tasting, that is mostly how your flan with taste, so if you burn it, you are screwed. Also, beat your eggs really really well, you need to break up those proteins, so you have a creamier texture, if it gets foamy, just scrap off the foam, or let it settle for a bit. I have to say I think a little foam would be better than weird hard chunks of egg whites floating in it.

I have to say though, that I was a chicken and that I didn't end up serving it too my company, just too soon, instead they got breakfast for dinner. I served pan cakes with sugar and lemon, like they do in England, and she loved them.

Again, more crying.

So I have made bread again and finally it is soft, I think it is all in the baking time, you really can't go by the recipe time, if I did it might have been burned. 

 I was also able to make pad thai again, this time without any meat, but with bean sprouts, it defiantly needs the bean sprouts.

It was nice making those again, I got help with the pad thai a second time around from my teenage son. Something he rarely does any more.

 Right now I am suffering small heart breaks, I am trying to get both the little boys to nap, neither have slept today, so I know they both need it. But they are now currently trying to out scream each other. My youngest can get to sleep on his own at night, but during the day it is impossible to get him to sleep.  He doesn't cry back to sleep at night, just slowly talks himself to sleep. But during the day, that is impossible to get. He just cries and cries. What am I doing wrong?

 It is hard to have a heavy heart some days. Nothing extra ordinary has happened this week, nothing awful, or horrible, or even stressful, but I am feeling a bit down and blue.  I am sure it is related to my tubal ligation, which by the way sucks. Why can't we get more info when it comes to procedures done on women? Why do I have to find out after it is over and done with, rather than before. I know this isn't in my head. I know I am not crazy.  We are going to wait until I am done nursing to figure out what is due to the nursing and what isn't, than we are going to look into getting it reversed, all because neither of us wanted these side effects.

They are crying so much I won't be surprised if someone calls to report me to someone, but what else do you do when your baby won't go to sleep?

Pad Thai

So I went way out of my comfort zone and made pad thai.  I grew up in a small farming community and wasn't exposed to a lot of different food. It wasn't until I was an adult I got to try new things, from different cultures. One day out of blue while ordering lunch for work, my coworker suggested I try some pad thai, and I really liked it. But because I didn't eat a lot of asian food I had no idea how to make it, let alone just what was in it.  Through the years, I tried it at different places, and it always tasted just about the same, but always good. It wasn't a dish, like Shepard's Pie, where depending on who is making it, it can taste completely different and can be really, really gross.  So for a while now, I have been picking up items here and there to make it, the rice noodles one time, the sauce another, I was, I thought, finally ready to attempt it.

But the day of I needed to get bean sprouts, so we ran by the store and I picked up a few items, while getting the sprouts. After I got home and checked the recipe again I realized I also needed to get green onions as I call them, scallions as others call them, well la de la. They are just green onions. So back to the store I went.

I won't add the recipe again, because I just used what was on the box, anyone can find it. But I read it over and I figured I was good to go.

I started soaking the noodles, and prepping everything else. Chopping the peanuts, and onions, cleaning and de-veining the shrimp. Something that was another first for me, I didn't think it would be so easy, you should trust yourself and just go for it. I heated the oil, got the egg, and shrimp in, the noodles started cooking. It is cool how they sort of deflate and get soft.  All while I am doing this the bread I made is in the oven. This by the way, was the hottest day of the year so far, both the oven and stove wasn't making it much better. I got everything else in, and I was finished. Yahoo!

I called my son in to try it, while it was still hot. We were both down to our last bites when a DUH moment happened, I realized I left the bean sprouts out. It was still good, we didn't notice, but I can see how they add to the dish. Next time, I will focus on one thing at a time, and bake the bread after I eat.  But what do you do with two cups of bean sprouts?  I guess I need to find another great recipe to try.  One thing I have to admit is that I used pre-made sauce, I wanted to deal with using rice noodles and not have to worry about  trying another recipe at the same time. So maybe after the next couple of times I make this, I will attempt to make the sauce also.

It was a nice change to the usual thing. I can say my mother never made anything close to it when I was growing up. I am hoping that when my children look back they can say that their mom was awesome, and could make anything.

You can see the bread, with the melting butter on top, the rolls in the back. Also I didn't think to take a photo of the pad thai until it was all gone, but you can tell we enjoyed it.

Wheat bread part II

Well, I was able to make bread yesterday, and let's just say, don't attempt to make bread and pad thai at the the same time. You might end up blowing both of them.

It didn't burn thank goodness, but the crust was pretty tough. But if you top it with butter it will get real soft, which it did, I am going to use that trick in the future. I also wanted to know if the kneading time would make a difference, and it seemed to. The bread was a bit softer in the middle. A bit too doughy for me, but my husband seemed to like it better. I also let it rise longer than before, not sure how much difference that made, so I guess next time I will knead more and rise more.

I know this seems repetitive, I just want to get good at making bread, I want to accomplish something for once.  I have a few other recipes I might try, but I want to master this one first, so I know how I can alter ones in the future. I won't be posting the recipe, because it isn't mine, I am using the wheat bread one from the Better Homes and Garden cook book. I did make one change, I heated the water in the microwave, just to save a bit of time really.  I don't think that makes too much difference. I also only have one loaf pan, so I made rolls with the rest, they are the best to have on hand when you have a very hungry teenager around. Easy to grab and eat.

This bread really reminds me of the type my mom made when I was little. I like eating it with cheddar cheese.  I am glad that I am able to make bread from scratch that I hope has less salt and fat, but maybe it doesn't. But I know it is healthier because there isn't anything extra in it.

Well it has been a while...

I have to say it have been months, and months. But what can I say, I just had a baby. You kind of get lost when you have a child. Everything is a new experience even if you have other children. You have to figure out how to make things work all over again. Add to it a baby that won't sleep very long during the day and it is a whole other struggle with time. I would love to have him nap 2 times a day rather than for 25 minutes 4 times a day.

But I have to say I have stumbled upon a whole new way of looking at food and losing weight, or maybe getting healthy. I know me, and I know my body, I am not the type to say no to something that is in the house that I want to eat, I have no will power and no ability to wait to indulge in something I am craving. So to this end, I needed to change how I shop. I can't just buy what sounds good, I need to buy things that are good for you. So no more junk in the cart. But I can't just buy fruits and veggies and call it good. I need variety. So I picked up new sauces, and new things I haven't cooked with. The other thing is I need to be hands on with my food to enjoy the experience even more. Plus, if I am going to the trouble to cook, I want to have it around after I put forth effort.  You know left overs.

So that is what I have done for the last two weeks. So far I have really enjoyed it. I was able to make bread twice, something I struggle with and each time it has gotten better, much better. I think I will make some more today. I need a faster recipe though, the last one took over four hours, who has that time? For tonight I am going to make Pad Thai, I am excited about that one. I haven't made it before, just eaten it many many times. I want to be more hands on, and adventurous.  I am hoping with this new mind set I will be eating healthier, and eating less, and be more active. Do you know what it feels like to make homemade bread, it really works your batwing muscle. Let's not forget your core muscles. So here is to new beginnings, I might need to change my blog name, and add photos. So here it goes, cheers!!!