Going with out, do you have what it takes?

So I saw on another web site which I won't name here, an idea to go 21 days without sugar, white flour, soda, treats, and butter, so in other words all things extra yummy and delicious.  I thought that maybe I should give it a try, since I have been working out and sorta watching what I eat, and I haven't seen much in the line of results other than my mental state had improved. 

Well, first off, I want to say that I am not completely crazy, I knew I couldn't cut everything out, so I kept potatoes, but I didn't eat them fried.  Also I didn't cut out all sugar, because frankly there is sugar in all sorts of things and I didn't want to go crazy reading labels, now don't get me wrong I didn't eat things like fruit loops, in which sugar is the first ingredient, but I did eat cheerios, which it is one of the last.  I didn't cut out salad dressings, which I know have sugar, but I did make sure I ate the fat free kind. But I skipped soda, ice cream, yummy cereals, buttered toast, chocolate milk, marshmallows, chocolate chips, white rice, french fries, hamburger buns, bacon, even diet soda, saltine crackers, yep even saltines, they were what I craved most, because they are perfect snacks for the babies, and I was around them all the time, smelling their delightful aroma, ummm......saltines, even the thought of them now is making my mouth water.  How sad is that? 

Well I lasted almost 9 days.  It was a long nine days, I was consistently thinking about what I couldn't have and how much I wanted it, and how hard it was to go without it.  It was putting me on the edge all day long, and with two little boys, a teenager and two dogs, with a ummm, sometimes highly wound up husband, it was just too much to take.  Tonight my husband said he couldn't take it any longer that I was just too crabby to be around, and maybe I was.  I thought I was holding it in pretty well, but I guess not.  I guess I was a great big stress monster.  I didn't feel better, I ddin't feel more centered, or grounded, or enlightened, what ever your word is for feeling more together, I felt as if I was on the end of a long rope playing tug of war all day long.  I was also drinking less water, I couldn't stand the thought of drinking, why I am not sure, maybe because I didnt' want to be in the kitchen, or maybe that was my screw you, I can't eat yummy crap, I sure the heck ain't gonna drink water. But I did eat a lot more fruits and veggies, I even had whole wheat pasta for the first time, and I have to say there isn't a reason why I wouldn't use it all the time now. I can't really taste the difference, but to be fair, the two times I used it, it was in soup, so maybe a plate of spaghetti would be different.

So after my husband told me I was being a complete beast since last Wednesday, and I figured that was too long ago to be PMS, it must be the constant fight.  So I said screw it and I finished off the last of the peppermint ice cream. (Besides we are having the freezer checked out tomorrow, so it will be one less thing to worry about having to melt while the guy is here.) I have to say it was really, really yummy, and not just because it was ice cream, but because all of the sudden I felt lighter, and less weighted down.  It was nice to have all of that stress go away.  So it makes me wonder, what is worse the added stress on your body for all that time, or eating the bad stuff anyway?  I know I didn't have the will power to skip all of that, a really smart friend of mine told me each person only has so much will power, and if you stretch yourself too much you will just crack.  After I eat the ice cream, I can say I stopped thinking about food, it was nice, not to have that voice in the back of my head, chanting, "marshmallows, marshmallows, you know you want them, come on just one."  The yummy food voices have gone away.  So nice.  Plus I am really thirsty now. Go figure.

I knew deep down I was struggling, I had a nice break today from the house with out the children, and that usually picks me right up, but not today, I still wanted to run away, I didn't want to come home, screw the kids, the dogs, the husband, I wanted to be a free woman.  But the minute I said ok, I will stop and go back to normal, I was happy to be home, with my rugrats, my cold nose dogs, and my cranky husband.  I also know I will be able to sleep much better tonight. 

So my advice to you, don't take on more than your will power can handle, build up to the big challenges, before taking on doing anything crazy, like going without saltines.

On my front door.

I whipped this together this morning, from things I had around the house, so it isn't as perfect as I would want it, but for spending no new money, it doesn't look half bad.  I had the frame from years ago, and I could never think of a really good use for it. The stocking is one that my husband had, not sure if I made it for him while we were dating or not, but it looks good any way.  The ribbons I had from gifts and things from years past. I am such a hoarder.  I like that the door is black, it really sets of the silver frame. Sure, if I had time and a few bucks to get new ribbons, it might be a touch better, but I don't really care, this one is up and done.  Lets just hope it comes down before the 4th of July.

I just stapled everything on the back, and used fish line to attach the bow.

Been a long time.

Not that I have a crowd of people waiting to hear what I have written. But sorry I have been too busy, or just don't have anything I think is worthy to blog about.  That is just a weird word, blog, blog, I mean think about it, you may know what it means, but imagine if you had no idea what it meant. You might think it was some sort of skin disease, or a weird medieval ointment, or 1700's fruit drink.  Oh well, just when I was getting started again my baby has woken up.  So I guess I will see you when I see you.  Don't worry, I haven't gone anywhere really, except maybe to my sewing room.  

Stuck, stinking stuck.

I am currently helping a family member out by making aprons for her new business.  I will be paid for my endeavor, so I don't want to screw things up.  If I was sewing for myself, I wouldn't care so much, it would be almost peaceful if I was. But I am at a point where I know I will screw it up, royally. And because of this, I don't want to proceed.  Have you ever been to this point in a project, where you were paralyzed by fear?  I really want to get these things knocked out, so I can move on to other things, like my kitchen.  But I am worried, which I hate. Maybe I can move on to another apron and come back to this one. That might be the best idea.

Some one asked why the pity party, of the other day, well it was just a few small things that all rolled together. Thinking people don't like me, thinking I am a slob, thinking I need to be more motivated. But I am doing better. I am staying busy. Also I was asked if I was on a antidepressant, nope, not at this time.  I was once a long time ago, after a divorce, I was a mess, so I went on prozac for a few months, it was nice, you were just happy, all the time happy, but I didn't need it after a while.  I am sure I have needed it in other times in my life, but I haven't had the desire to find a way to get them again. I have found working out, getting enough sleep, and eating right seems to really help.  But I am not what you would call several depressed. So like they say, don't take my word for it, talk to your dr about it, well maybe a mental health professional, because a lot of dr's just don't know enough about mental health to truly diagnose any problems.

I better get going, I need to figure out what is for dinner.  Yippie, dinner.

hate myself

I just wanted to post that I was hating myself today, I am in the middle massive pity party.  It has been going on all weekend and I just can't shake it.

20 more reps

So for the third day in a row I have gotten up early to work out. So far it has been nice, being able to get it out of the way, also I have been able to shower right away also, so much better than running around in sweaty clothes. Today was a little harder since my youngest woke up early, and often last night.  It can make a person very tired. I think he is getting sick, and he seems to have lots of pooping problems.  I should load him up on juice so he can just clean himself out once and for all.  I seem to talk about poop way too much on here.

I am also finding I have way more motivation and stamina, especially when it comes to cleaning the house. Last night was probably the first night ever I have gone to bed with out any dirty dishes in the sink, not a one.  It was nice to wake up to an empty sink.  You don't realize how much of a nag a load of dishes can be, always chanting, "clean me, clean me, clean me..."  It can get really loud sometimes, but today it was nice and quiet not a peep to be heard from a filthy cup, a dirty pot, or a soaking bowl. I just might get addicted to this.  But don't tell my husband, then I might hear a whole other type of nagging.

I just might have a busy day a head of me today, I need to make bread, go grocery shopping and make dinner for a friend of mine who just had a baby. Plus I need to do all the other things around here. So good thing I have my energy and drive back. It is amazing how you have no idea how much pain you were in, how much each day was a struggle, how dark and glumly life was, until you get some sunshine back.  I was in a really dark place, worse than Forks.  I really hope I don't start to slip backwards. I hope my forecasts remain bright, warm and eighty degrees for a good long while.  I am sure my family does as well. 

Oh yeah, I added 20 more reps today, lifting weights, but I think that will be my max.

6:30 work out

So after a week of not being able to workout, because I got too busy during the day, I got up early and worked out today.  It was easy to get up, since my mind was so full of worry I couldn't sleep.  I was worried about all sorts of things. Things I can do something about and things no one can change.  But it does feel good to be all done with it. I walked for 30 minutes, then I worked out with weights for about 45 minutes.  Weights take a while because you need to give your self about 30 seconds of rest between certain sets.

I am laying here, thinking about all sorts of things I think I can accomplish today; sewing, cleaning, drawing, shopping; painting; facebooking; reading.  But I am certain of two things, ok, maybe, maybe three, I will be a mother today, I will eat something and I will shower.  Of those two things I am sure you can guess which one is the maybe.  But since I am sitting here without any support for my girls, I will say the odds are greater than a normal day that I will get in the shower. I hate letting them swing free. Besides someone might get a black eye if I leave them lose.

I am hungry though, not a huge surprise there, when am I not hungry?  But honestly I am doing better on the eating front, I am finding if I have boring food around the house, I am less likely to eat more than I need to.  So buy no junk or anything that sounds extra yummy, and maybe I will do better weight wise.

My teenager has a need to know policy, and he seems to think we are not on the list of need to know.  Well atleast I am on that list.  He seems to comminucate fairly well with his father and step dad. But most of the time I get a response in the realm of "don't worry about it".  This is very annoying, but I am finding it is a great way to start answering questions.  So if you talk to me in the near future, save yourself the trouble and just know the answer will be don't worry about it.

I am also struggling with how to talk to my husband, about our children's sleeping arrangements, and the few things I want to do to the kitchen.  Nothing really big, just two window treatments, a bench and some framed art work. I would say everything would be less than 100 bucks for the kitchen.  But I don't know how to get him to see that I think it would be worth it in the long run. Maybe if more people read my blog I could get some suggestions.  But maybe I need to take my own advice and don't worry about it.