I really am doing myself in, really.

I have had some really bad events happen in my life recently, which as increased my stress levels, which decreases my will power and invites in all sorts of negative thoughts, "give in", "eat it, you will love feeling stuffed", "no one can do this, give up", "you stink and have bad breath", "even if you lost weight, your hubs won't want you", "make yummy food, full of fat, you will love it", "cheese is your friend". 

No cheese isn't my friend, neither is bacon, nor chocolate. But they aren't the enemy either, what is the enemy is my own brain. My own self is stopping me, you can't move forward in life if you constantly fill your brain with negativity. But how do you stop all that negativity? How do you tell your self to shut the fuck up?

Sorry for the language, it is just where my head is.

I gained way too much weight this last weekend, and I am kicking myself, because these are pounds I have to lose all over again, which sucks, I could be under 200, I bet if I wasn't gaining and losing the same 5 pounds. Which makes me even more upset and stressed, which causes me to reach for the extra slice of pie. "Piiiiiiieeeeee....."

I wish I had a cheerleader, someone who could make me feel worth it. I guess in a way I do, but I don't always rely on them, I am not an overtly religious person, I mean I am, but I don't like preaching it, and showing it off. But maybe I should try to rely on the lord more. And not be ashamed of it. Not hide it. If my talking about my love for the lord turns people off so be it. There is plenty that others do that turn me off, i.e. twerking, not even sure if that is spelled right, but please girls knock that crap off, no one wants to have a butt waving in their face, except creepy gross men, which you really don't want in your life, unless you have daddy issues, and if that is the case, get some help and put the ass down.

I guess I need to knuckle down and start saying I am worth it, whether I believe it or not at this point, because a point will come where I do believe it. If I can believe all the negative things, then surly I can believe the positive as well. Wish me luck, or in other words pray for me, or just go twerk, you messed up little girl.