Rolling deep fog.

Suicide is a very complex issue, why a person would do it, how it affects their loved ones. Lots of questions are always left unanswered, things left unsaid, feelings never shared.

Some say it is an easy way out, that they are weak and selfish, but do you really know, do you know the voices in their minds that could not be silenced? Do you know the demons that consumed all the light in their lives?  Or how long they fought over and over to crawl out of the void that surrounds them? 

These are not passing thoughts of fancy, coming and going on a whim, like the latest fads catching your eye, but rather ones that roll slowly in, inch by inch, like a slow moving fog, settling down and clouding out any and all light, until you are left in complete grey, devoid of color and sight, and it is so dense that you can't see those right there in front of your reaching out to help you. Because in their minds, they are all alone. Carrying with them a despair that is so hard to carry, they become numb to everything, shutting everyone, and everything out.

Some may say it was a good thing, that they are now at peace, in a better place. Free from the pain and hurt.

While on paper that may seem so, that they are free of the pain and suffering that drove them to act on a decision they can never take back, it isn't true, freedom does not come through death. Yes their temporal pain may be gone, but they are not free of consequences of their choices.

They will now know the pain they caused their loved ones, more than they ever would have in real life, because they no longer have the isolating, desperate thoughts dominating their minds, they can now look beyond themselves and see how much their choice, as some call it, really changed the path their loved ones were on, because once a person dies, those close to them are never the same, never.

While they may feel as if they are doing their loved one a service by ending their lives, that they are making it a better place. This is false thinking, a logic that can't be worked out in their minds, because they are not able to see beyond themselves, it is not selfish of them, because they believe they are a burden, with their deaths they are freeing the world of the undeserving, they may even see it as a gift they are giving us.

With suicide, the pain they wish to escape does not dissipate and fade away, it passes on to the living. Death leaves a void, never to be filled by any amount of time. Those left behind get no closure, get no peace. They are drug into that slow moving fog, lost, wanting to find peace, and to feel no pain.

As a mentally sound person this does not make sense to us, we can see the flaws in these thoughts, but we have light and direction, we can see beyond ourselves, the mentally ill do not always have this luxury, to them death is just another way to find comfort and light, because in heavy darkness, the small spark of death promises so much, it can be a fantastic beacon that can't be denied.

The one thing that is never changeable, never reversible, never to be undone is death.

Mental Health needs more understanding, more compassion and more support. We need to no longer be ashamed or afraid, we can no longer sit by and do nothing, we need to reach out, we need to be a voice that brings change, stand up for those who can't. We need to be the light, we need to change how the weak in our society are treated. We need to focus on loving others, not finding fault and cause to destroy each other

Stand up for yourself, make your voice be heard, you are not alone. No one is alone. The spark of death isn't the only thing to lead you out of the fog. Speak up, let us hear you, again and again.

A quiet Sunday.

I am sure once I get this first sentence finished my babies will be waking up. They have been asleep for hours, and I have gotten restless.  So I am almost certain this will be the time they wake up.

I got my hair cut and dyed this last week, and so far no one, not a single person has noticed. Sure I don't get out much, but I thought someone might notice at church, but I guess I am just about invisible there. Hardly anyone talks to me, and I hardly talk to anyone ether, so it isn't all their faults. I need to be more out going. But when you are wrestling babies the whole time it is a little hard to do so.

I like the shorter hair. It feels a lot lighter. For those who wouldn't know, mine was down my back almost to my waist. Now it is just below my shoulder. I dyed my hair, because I was tired of my teenager pointing out all my gray hairs, he had given me, over all these years. So it is about my regular color. A nice, plain brown.  But I do feel younger with it cut. I need to get a curling iron to make it look straighter, I have what my mother would call naturally wavy hair. I call a touch frizzy. (Don't you hate it when you spell a word so wrong that spell check has no clue what you meant?  Freazy, freezy, freezie)

Ok, so that is a little lame and boring. Wow, your hair again, who cares lady, shave it bald already, we don't give a crap about your hair) Let me try a different jaunt. My therapy. I have been going slowly, and it has been going slowly. I want it to be over with, yet I feel as if there might be something else there I need to work on, or work out. I hate having memories that I can't recall, or bring up. I know that I have had several traumatic events in my life, I almost died from drowning, when I was very young, I know someone sexual abused me, but who I don't know, and I know that something scary happened at  church once. I know I have survived all of these events, I know I may never remember them, I know I can grow and work through them, but I have a feeling, in order for me to free of all the baggage I have, I need to truly figure out what it causing a lot of the pain and hurt I have. Why do I hate myself, why do I feel like I am worthless, why do I feel like I shouldn't try at anything? Why did I try so hard to get attention growing up, why did I feel like no one was there for me and that I was all alone?

Sure some of these feelings may be coming from my hormones I have lingering inside of me, since I weaned my youngest baby, but I think it is more than that.

Do we really need to have past memories clear as day before us, in order to let them go and work through them?

It doesn't matter what I look like, what sort of shape I am in physically, or how I dress, those things won't make me feel better. I need to find a way to let go of all the negativity that runs through my head. Here is an idea of what I mean by that.

My husband makes this sighing noise, "auggg". Every time he isn't happy with something or someone, it is loud, I can hear it from another room. I have told him over and over it bothers me, but I don't think he truly gets what it does to me.  Each one is like a little knife cutting into me. "you suck, you stink, this dinner is gross, you are dirty, you smell, your kids are awful, you are a lousy wife, you are a lousy mother, you're a slob, can't you clean anything..." Yes, I know he isn't saying these things, I know these are the things that I think, and make up in my head, I know if I was a happier person it would sound more like, "you're so hot, why can't I keep up with you"  but it doesn't. I joke about one day I might end his life, with multiple stab wounds, and I got to say what will set me off will be one of those sighs. I hear them all day long, I am not kidding, he finds something to sigh about at least 50 times a day, so with just the shear number of them you would think I would now be able to block them out, as the meaningless sound effects an old man makes, but that hasn't happened either. 

I thought I was doing so much better, and maybe this is my body and mind rebelling against me working on my demons, and so they will all be gone. But if that is the case, I want this over sooner rather than later, thank you, very much, messed upped mind of mine.

BY the way, the babies are still sleeping, it is nice, too bad my husband had to wake up, start running his mouth, thinking he was funny. Really dude, I just let you sleep for three and 1/2 hours, and this is how you repay me. Well screw it buddy, next week I sleep and you get to stay up on the computer for hours.

New Outlook, New Design, What do you think?

I was thinking a while back that I wasn't too happy with the look of my blog, it was too depressing. So I decided to mix it up a bit. I am feeling more uplifted so I figured my blog should reflect that. I am so happy to have gone to therapy, it took a while to take that step, but I'm thinking it is really working. Both because I have a great therapist and because I was ready. You really need to be willing to go, if you are there for the wrong reasons you are just wasting your time and theirs.

I don't feel as angry or as mad. I don't hurt as much, and mostly, what I think is the best part is that I don't find myself wishing pain on others. When you hurt inside and have for a very long time, you just want others to feel the same way you do. You want then to feel your pain, so maybe they can understand you better. But that isn't fair to others, they have their own pain to deal with, you don't need to share.

I am also realizing I know what it means to be hungry and full again. I always thought that I was an emotional eater, but now I know I was. I had so much pain, hurt and despair going on, I couldn't really feel anything else.  My body couldn't tell when I was hungry, or when I had too much to eat. But I am learning again how uncomfortable it is to be full.

Well I have more work to do, have a great day!