Sunday, March 25, 2012

A quiet Sunday.

I am sure once I get this first sentence finished my babies will be waking up. They have been asleep for hours, and I have gotten restless.  So I am almost certain this will be the time they wake up.

I got my hair cut and dyed this last week, and so far no one, not a single person has noticed. Sure I don't get out much, but I thought someone might notice at church, but I guess I am just about invisible there. Hardly anyone talks to me, and I hardly talk to anyone ether, so it isn't all their faults. I need to be more out going. But when you are wrestling babies the whole time it is a little hard to do so.

I like the shorter hair. It feels a lot lighter. For those who wouldn't know, mine was down my back almost to my waist. Now it is just below my shoulder. I dyed my hair, because I was tired of my teenager pointing out all my gray hairs, he had given me, over all these years. So it is about my regular color. A nice, plain brown.  But I do feel younger with it cut. I need to get a curling iron to make it look straighter, I have what my mother would call naturally wavy hair. I call a touch frizzy. (Don't you hate it when you spell a word so wrong that spell check has no clue what you meant?  Freazy, freezy, freezie)

Ok, so that is a little lame and boring. Wow, your hair again, who cares lady, shave it bald already, we don't give a crap about your hair) Let me try a different jaunt. My therapy. I have been going slowly, and it has been going slowly. I want it to be over with, yet I feel as if there might be something else there I need to work on, or work out. I hate having memories that I can't recall, or bring up. I know that I have had several traumatic events in my life, I almost died from drowning, when I was very young, I know someone sexual abused me, but who I don't know, and I know that something scary happened at  church once. I know I have survived all of these events, I know I may never remember them, I know I can grow and work through them, but I have a feeling, in order for me to free of all the baggage I have, I need to truly figure out what it causing a lot of the pain and hurt I have. Why do I hate myself, why do I feel like I am worthless, why do I feel like I shouldn't try at anything? Why did I try so hard to get attention growing up, why did I feel like no one was there for me and that I was all alone?

Sure some of these feelings may be coming from my hormones I have lingering inside of me, since I weaned my youngest baby, but I think it is more than that.

Do we really need to have past memories clear as day before us, in order to let them go and work through them?

It doesn't matter what I look like, what sort of shape I am in physically, or how I dress, those things won't make me feel better. I need to find a way to let go of all the negativity that runs through my head. Here is an idea of what I mean by that.

My husband makes this sighing noise, "auggg". Every time he isn't happy with something or someone, it is loud, I can hear it from another room. I have told him over and over it bothers me, but I don't think he truly gets what it does to me.  Each one is like a little knife cutting into me. "you suck, you stink, this dinner is gross, you are dirty, you smell, your kids are awful, you are a lousy wife, you are a lousy mother, you're a slob, can't you clean anything..." Yes, I know he isn't saying these things, I know these are the things that I think, and make up in my head, I know if I was a happier person it would sound more like, "you're so hot, why can't I keep up with you"  but it doesn't. I joke about one day I might end his life, with multiple stab wounds, and I got to say what will set me off will be one of those sighs. I hear them all day long, I am not kidding, he finds something to sigh about at least 50 times a day, so with just the shear number of them you would think I would now be able to block them out, as the meaningless sound effects an old man makes, but that hasn't happened either. 

I thought I was doing so much better, and maybe this is my body and mind rebelling against me working on my demons, and so they will all be gone. But if that is the case, I want this over sooner rather than later, thank you, very much, messed upped mind of mine.

BY the way, the babies are still sleeping, it is nice, too bad my husband had to wake up, start running his mouth, thinking he was funny. Really dude, I just let you sleep for three and 1/2 hours, and this is how you repay me. Well screw it buddy, next week I sleep and you get to stay up on the computer for hours.

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