Writing this blog.

I love being able to write as I please, saying anything I want, but it is also hard knowing not a single person is really reading it. It sort of effects my opinion of my life. But maybe it is just my writing, maybe I need to be funnier, or more honest, or maybe that is the problem, maybe I am too honest and maybe I just can't be funnier. I would love to have a following, sure that is a bit ummm, narcissistic, but isn't all blogging that way. I mean why put your stuff out there, if you don't think others would enjoy it.

I also haven't told anyone about it, I guess I am too scared, I don't want to put myself out there and have people I know reject me. It is much easier to have the whole world reject me, than have people I know think I am loud, brash and silly. I am sure they know those things about me already, but it really isn't the same. I am putting myself out there saying things I don't tell just anyone, and instead of just telling my close love ones, I am telling everyone.

I am letting everyone know that I am fat, lazy and unmotivated, that I wish I was a better person, that I can be jealous and bitter and that I know all of this about myself.  I guess the only way I can vindicate myself is by becoming a better person, the one I long to be. I have turned to cooking, because that is easy enough, I can totally control it, and I get to do most of it in secret. It isn't like my two youngest boys are going to tell anyone. I have seen myself grow and improve just in the few short weeks I have been working on cooking. If I am going to hang so much of my self esteem on how my food turns out, why can't I make it better, by expanding my abilities.

I like to cook, I love to eat, I want to share this with others. But I am so much more than just a cook. I am a mother, wife and friend. I can create more than just food, I can create clothes, art and redo furniture. I am funny, and witty, I am smart, probably smarter than I give myself credit for. I need to remember these things. Maybe that is part why I am blogging, as a journal to look back on. Improving myself one step at a time.

So if I pop on here and go off on things that are different than you expect so be it. It isn't like anyone has ever read more than one thing that I have posted. I could write about anything on here and not get any action, and that is really ok, because like the rest of America I do this for myself, because I think I am so awesome, who wouldn't want to know more about me?

An idea!

I think I have stumbled upon and  idea that will make me happier, by making my hubby happier. But I don't want to spill the beans on what it is, just in case he is the one reader I have on here. But I report on how it goes it goes daily for a week and we will find out if it works and if it worth the effort. I am hoping it won't be too much work really, just more of how to look at my relationship with my husband.  I know I can't change him, and I know he knows he can't change me, but that doesn't mean change can't happen with the marriage. We can both grow and learn and evolve into something different together.

I need to learn to be less critical and more supportive. Which isn't always easy. But I am learning, that when I am soft and loving with my boys, they lesson better. So maybe that will work with my hubby.  I know if I cheer him on, he will step up to the challenge, like my children do. So we shall see.
 
I hope I am able to pull this off, that I am able to change and make things better. Because at this point this is really about me, and not about anyone else. But if it creates a better feeling in the home so be it.

Post shopping peace.

Nothing like grocery shopping to wear out two little boys. I really enjoyed this trip, the boys got along, nobody started screaming, and I was able to get everything on the list. Even with a few extra's we still came in the lowest I have spent in weeks.  Yippie, the hubs will be happy. Sure I still need to pick up a few things at Costco, but that is a whole other story. We don't need to worry about that right now.

I do feel bad though, I thought my toddler had enough to eat for lunch, until we get into the store and he starts screaming for chips, like he hasn't eaten in days. Luckily enough, I was in the produce section and was able to give him an apple from a bag of mini Gala's. He was content the rest of the trip. He also ate the whole thing, I can't believe how much he polished off. Good for him, peel and all.

If you have lived in a large city your whole life, like New York, and have never had the joy of driving to a super sized grocery store, I feel sorry for you. We take it for grated, but they have everything right there. They also stock so much new and different stuff.  Plus you get all sorts of variety. You can get all your shopping done in a matter of minutes really.

Plus you also get to miss the chance to park next to strangers that park too close to your car, or maybe that you keep pumping into in the store, only to have them park right next to you and you leave at the same time, and then you get to inadvertently cut them off in the parking lot. And then you worry about them following you home and stalking you. Watching you through your bedroom windows waiting to ponce, all because you were an ass in the grocery store. Not that I have ever heard of that happening.  Or maybe have someone leave a empty cart right behind your car, when the cart rail is two stalls down. Or better yet, leave a dent in your car. That is always fun.

I also got everything put away. Now if I can just find the energy to clean the kitchen and put the folded laundry away that has been sitting out for days. While my two little sleeping angels rest, before they wake up as screaming terrors.

I really wished my scale worked, we got it super cheap, and one day you weigh 275, the next 230, then back to 260, never the same. I have a feeling I have lost some weight, mind you not a whole lot, but some, and if it is just from getting better foods and no junk, then I will be extra happy. Because if I can get back on track working out, then maybe the weight will fly off, and I will be one hot sexy Mamma again, man it has been years.

Shopping list

I am happy, I am making my shopping list for the week. I am going to be brave, or maybe crazy, and go shopping with just the little boys and I.  I have been trying very hard to buy healthier options and stay away from junk food. The only bad food we are getting these day is ice cream and corn chips. Which I don't eat everyday.  We would go out for ice cream when we were dating, so it has more of an emotional attachment to us than other foods, such as cakes or pie. The chips are one of the vice's my husband has, he has been pretty supportive of me buying healthy and not a bunch of junk.  So I can't complain about getting a bag of chips once in a while.

They say the best food for you is in the outside aisles, like the produce, dairy, meat and grains. So I am proud to say that in fact that is where I do most of my shopping. I love to get produce, I try for what is is season. Also I try for the more colorful options, like red or black grapes verses the the green. Salad greens instead of iceberg. I look at the sugar amount on the yogurt, there are some really yummy tasting ones out there, but that is because they have a really high sugar count, like 27 g's. You should aim for 12g's or lower.

But another thing I love doing is finding new things to try, like different sauces and curries, or maybe different chilies or noodles. You can open up a whole new world for your family. Like the Coconut basil curry my family likes. Never would I have thought my husband would eat it, but he likes it, and even request it. I also found different rice I like, like Jasmine, and found the best way to make rice on the stove. Heat it up with a little oil first, once you can smell the rice, you then add the water, let it come to boil, then cover and reduce the heat so it simmers for 20 minutes. Remove from the heat and let it sit covered for ten minutes, then fluff with a fork and enjoy. It always come out soft and fluffy. 

I am lucky because the store I shop at sells things in bulk, so I can try little bits before I make a bigger commitment to something I might not like. I am also able to get raw nuts at a descent price. I love sliced almonds in all sorts of things, in my cereal, on my salads, mixed in plain rice with butter. It is an easy way to add nuts and fiber to your diet.

So here is to hoping that my shopping goes off without a hitch, that the babies cooperate and that I remember everything on my list. 

The wrong answer.

I was on the phone with my hubs last night, talking about what to do about dinner. He gets home really late, so it isn't very often that I will make dinner with him in mind. Once in awhile, mostly because he won't eat what I make, and if it is something that he wants like tacos, he will want to make them. So when I asked about maybe me making spaghetti last night, he didn't respond the way I would have liked. I told him I had some fresh basil I wanted to use up so I wanted to make dinner. I asked if he wanted just plain meat, or if I could make meatballs. I knew the answer before I asked, I in my mind I was hoping for something different.  I guess I wanted a major change in his personality and taste in food and have him say, "meatballs would be awesome." But that didn't happen, he said just plain meat, and it was in a tone like he was tired of all this weirdo cooking I have been doing lately, although it has been making me much more happy lately.  So the perk I was getting at the thought of making something new and different went right out the window and I began to simmer. I was getting really hot about it and said screw it. I didn't make dinner for us, I made a salad for me.

I couldn't ever imagine getting married to someone who just doesn't care about food, and I don't mean someone who will eat anything in front of them, that would be nice some days. Instead I have someone who doesn't get any sort of joy from food, or from cooking, or eating.  He doesn't like trying new things, and in fact would prefer it if I didn't cook most days, because of the mess.

But that flies in the face of my new cooking plan, my new way of looking at food and eating it. I want to conquer the way food has control of me. I want it to work in my favor. I need quick healthy foods I can reach for, and since I am no longer buying junk food, I need to have leftovers and quick fix snacks at my disposal. I can't go and open a box of crackers or eat a handful of chips. No longer is that sanity saving chocolate sitting in the fridge. So I need creative, fun and different options, food bores me quickly. I can't eat soup everyday, I don't want a sandwich everyday day.  I have been lucky enough to be able to eat salads several times a week, but only because I throw so many toppings on it, that it is never the same salad day to day. But for dinner I have been wanting to stretch my imagination.

So here I was asking if I should make spaghetti, something easy and very normal, and that most any cook can turn out easily. But he response burst my bubble. Because I know he would find fault with how I made it. All my effort would be for not. So why should I set myself up for failure? Why waste time making something so simple, to have it be criticized. I am sure you are thinking, well why don't you just tell him how you feel, let him know it hurt your feelings. Well I have, many times, and still nothing has changed, and really it shouldn't. I don't want him to change me, so I can't expect to change him. So until it truly sinks in, and until he changes on his own, I will need to avoid this landmine, I just need to cook for myself and my kids. I need to find joy, even in cooking mundane, boring foods. Because if I want to get past the emotions I have with food I have to do it on all levels, even the lowest level. I need to learn that my self esteem is not tied to food.

Why it is, I have no idea, maybe because we were super poor growing up, maybe it was because I could cook anything growing up and my family was grateful. Maybe it has to do with my relationship with my mom, but that is a whole other can of worms I don't want to open right now.  Maybe because I know it is a talent that I have. If that is the case, if it is a true talent I have, I need to foster and help it grow. So that is why I want to take it to another level.

Sorry if you are tired of reading about my hubs, and if I sound down today. In truth I have been down all week, just not in the place to care. I am not sure why, I think everyone has a week like this. Hopefully, I can bounce back by the weekend.

Making Spaetzle, wasn't as fun as saying it.

So for some cray reason I wanted to try to make spaetzle, so after waiting and thinking about it for a few days I went ahead and did it. I used a recipe I found online. I have never eaten it before, and obviously never made it before, so I had no idea what it would taste like, or what it should even look like really.

The recipe called for a ton of nutmeg, and that made me really leery, I grew up in a house that didn't use nutmeg even if we had it. It is a strong taste I am still trying to get used to, in small bits added to things like pan cakes and desserts. So I didn't add the whole 1/4 teaspoon it called for, but the amount I did use was too much. But other than that, I don't think I would have changed anything about the recipe itself.

Making it was an experience, I have a few tools in the kitchen, but I don't have everything, and there is no way I could justify buying a grater just to do spaetzle. So I used my over sized slotted spoon, but it happened to be the spoon I would have used to get them out of the water.  So that was a slow process and caused them to possibly overcook, because they cooked really fast, so fast I wasn't able to rinse the batches off with cold water, so they might have been a touch overdone, but I have no idea if they were. 

They had a pretty good texture, not too doughy, they tasted like a mix between pasta and rice. I wanted to keep it pretty plain when I "dressed" them, so I could truly taste them, since it was my first time. But I made a mistake, I added too much thyme. I placed them in a frying pan with butter, added some cream, parmesan  cheese, and the thyme, it was too assertive with the nutmeg. I couldn't eat too much of it, but my toddler loved it, he took over eating my plate.  Also the frying pan was too small, I couldn't get the spaetzle to brown enough first.  

So next time I will be more prepared to cook the spaetzle, and have something better in place to remove it from the water faster, and have a bowl of cold water standing by to cool it off. I am sure that will make it lighter. And lastly, I think I will use just a very very small dash of nutmeg and skip the thyme all together. I think they would be good in a really creamy cheese sauce.

I grew up in a home where we did not eat a lot of pasta, so with anything close to a pasta texture, takes me a bit to get used to it. So a good way to get used to it is covering it with cheese, and maybe bacon, ooohhh bacon.

I am sure that some people would think that cooking something new isn't all that challenging, but it is too me. It opens up a whole new way for making things and adding to my over all knowledge. Cooking involves a lot of science, so it effects more than just my waist line. Cooking also has a lot of social aspects, why certain countries cook with certain food, and what the staples were, and how people survived on what they had. I can't imagine how someone even came up with cooking spaetzle the first time. I am sure it started with a desire to have smaller dumplings, and grew from there, making them smaller and smaller. If I am remembering correctly, Germany didn't eat a lot of potatoes in the middle ages, so I can understand why they have a lot of starchy meal without potatoes in them.

From this first time, I learned that it is a very bland starch that needs a lot of flavor added to them. But they are very delicate and need to be handle with a soft hand. Sorta like me. Hahahahaha.

Sunday Dinner

My hubby told me that he really liked the roast I made today. He said it was really good. When I tasted it I had a feeling he would like it, only because I wasn't too crazy about the taste. Isn't that funny?  I like my things to be savory, and love to add things that will make pork sweet. My husband prefers things to be seasoned, but not sweet, or sweet and spicy.  With him in mind I set about seasoning it and it paid off. Both him and my teenager liked it. So that makes me happy.

It was a picnic pork roast. It was a cut that came with a joint in it, I would say from the hip part of the leg. It was about four lbs, with the fat and skin still on it. I seared it in a very hot cast iron pan. That is currently sitting on the stove waiting to be seasoned again. Anyway, back to the roast.

I seasoned it with salt, pepper and some cumin. I then layered the bottom of the slow cooker with 2 small sliced sweet onions, with four cloves of garlic, a half of bunch of parsley, about a teaspoon of ginger, with a cup of water. I placed the roast on top. In the hot cast iron pan I added worcestershire sauce about 2 TBS, then about 1/2 of cup of low sodium soy sauce and about 1/4 cup of steak sauce to deglaze the pan. I then topped the roast with that and cooked it for about 6 hours on high. 

When we got ready to eat, I made sure I put some of it away first. I have learned that if you leave all the meat on the plate, you won't have leftovers, so take them first, call them firstovers and then you will have some for either a sandwich,or fried rice later in the week.

What I didn't like was the roasted garlic taste, for some reason I have never been a fan. I can tolerate it at this point, but if it was just me I would have left out the garlic, or maybe minced it really fine. And I would have added brown sugar. To me that would have been really yummy, and maybe some pineapple juice. But I knew that my husband would love the garlic and the cumin. At least I know what he likes and I can play to that when it is a meal we will both be eating. Most nights of the week it is just me and the boys, so I can make anything really. But I don't always want to go to all the extra work.  

Tomorrow, I will need to make more bread. I need to get more loaf pans, so I don't have to make it so often. But I can honestly say that is something I don't fear anymore, making wheat bread. It just took a little more practice and a little help from my mom. Thanks mom!