Writing this blog.

I love being able to write as I please, saying anything I want, but it is also hard knowing not a single person is really reading it. It sort of effects my opinion of my life. But maybe it is just my writing, maybe I need to be funnier, or more honest, or maybe that is the problem, maybe I am too honest and maybe I just can't be funnier. I would love to have a following, sure that is a bit ummm, narcissistic, but isn't all blogging that way. I mean why put your stuff out there, if you don't think others would enjoy it.

I also haven't told anyone about it, I guess I am too scared, I don't want to put myself out there and have people I know reject me. It is much easier to have the whole world reject me, than have people I know think I am loud, brash and silly. I am sure they know those things about me already, but it really isn't the same. I am putting myself out there saying things I don't tell just anyone, and instead of just telling my close love ones, I am telling everyone.

I am letting everyone know that I am fat, lazy and unmotivated, that I wish I was a better person, that I can be jealous and bitter and that I know all of this about myself.  I guess the only way I can vindicate myself is by becoming a better person, the one I long to be. I have turned to cooking, because that is easy enough, I can totally control it, and I get to do most of it in secret. It isn't like my two youngest boys are going to tell anyone. I have seen myself grow and improve just in the few short weeks I have been working on cooking. If I am going to hang so much of my self esteem on how my food turns out, why can't I make it better, by expanding my abilities.

I like to cook, I love to eat, I want to share this with others. But I am so much more than just a cook. I am a mother, wife and friend. I can create more than just food, I can create clothes, art and redo furniture. I am funny, and witty, I am smart, probably smarter than I give myself credit for. I need to remember these things. Maybe that is part why I am blogging, as a journal to look back on. Improving myself one step at a time.

So if I pop on here and go off on things that are different than you expect so be it. It isn't like anyone has ever read more than one thing that I have posted. I could write about anything on here and not get any action, and that is really ok, because like the rest of America I do this for myself, because I think I am so awesome, who wouldn't want to know more about me?