I was on the phone with my hubs last night, talking about what to do about dinner. He gets home really late, so it isn't very often that I will make dinner with him in mind. Once in awhile, mostly because he won't eat what I make, and if it is something that he wants like tacos, he will want to make them. So when I asked about maybe me making spaghetti last night, he didn't respond the way I would have liked. I told him I had some fresh basil I wanted to use up so I wanted to make dinner. I asked if he wanted just plain meat, or if I could make meatballs. I knew the answer before I asked, I in my mind I was hoping for something different. I guess I wanted a major change in his personality and taste in food and have him say, "meatballs would be awesome." But that didn't happen, he said just plain meat, and it was in a tone like he was tired of all this weirdo cooking I have been doing lately, although it has been making me much more happy lately. So the perk I was getting at the thought of making something new and different went right out the window and I began to simmer. I was getting really hot about it and said screw it. I didn't make dinner for us, I made a salad for me.
I couldn't ever imagine getting married to someone who just doesn't care about food, and I don't mean someone who will eat anything in front of them, that would be nice some days. Instead I have someone who doesn't get any sort of joy from food, or from cooking, or eating. He doesn't like trying new things, and in fact would prefer it if I didn't cook most days, because of the mess.
But that flies in the face of my new cooking plan, my new way of looking at food and eating it. I want to conquer the way food has control of me. I want it to work in my favor. I need quick healthy foods I can reach for, and since I am no longer buying junk food, I need to have leftovers and quick fix snacks at my disposal. I can't go and open a box of crackers or eat a handful of chips. No longer is that sanity saving chocolate sitting in the fridge. So I need creative, fun and different options, food bores me quickly. I can't eat soup everyday, I don't want a sandwich everyday day. I have been lucky enough to be able to eat salads several times a week, but only because I throw so many toppings on it, that it is never the same salad day to day. But for dinner I have been wanting to stretch my imagination.
So here I was asking if I should make spaghetti, something easy and very normal, and that most any cook can turn out easily. But he response burst my bubble. Because I know he would find fault with how I made it. All my effort would be for not. So why should I set myself up for failure? Why waste time making something so simple, to have it be criticized. I am sure you are thinking, well why don't you just tell him how you feel, let him know it hurt your feelings. Well I have, many times, and still nothing has changed, and really it shouldn't. I don't want him to change me, so I can't expect to change him. So until it truly sinks in, and until he changes on his own, I will need to avoid this landmine, I just need to cook for myself and my kids. I need to find joy, even in cooking mundane, boring foods. Because if I want to get past the emotions I have with food I have to do it on all levels, even the lowest level. I need to learn that my self esteem is not tied to food.
Why it is, I have no idea, maybe because we were super poor growing up, maybe it was because I could cook anything growing up and my family was grateful. Maybe it has to do with my relationship with my mom, but that is a whole other can of worms I don't want to open right now. Maybe because I know it is a talent that I have. If that is the case, if it is a true talent I have, I need to foster and help it grow. So that is why I want to take it to another level.
Sorry if you are tired of reading about my hubs, and if I sound down today. In truth I have been down all week, just not in the place to care. I am not sure why, I think everyone has a week like this. Hopefully, I can bounce back by the weekend.
No comments:
Post a Comment