Suicide, and what is left behind.

I couldn't sleep, and instead of tossing and turning and keeping my husband up, I figured I needed to get up and let all of these thoughts out of my head.

I don't want anyone to get the wrong picture here, yes I knew Justin, yes he made me laugh and smile, and yes he had a way to make you want to wipe that smirk right off of his face, but my loss isn't the same as my husbands, nor is it the same as his children's, or his families, I can't tell you what they feel, but I know how I feel, and I know the thoughts his passing has brought up in me. My intent is not to offend, but to help others.

First off, What the Hell, Really, you self centered asshole, why the eff would you do this to your loved ones? What the hell, I mean really, what a self centered asshole, jerk thing to do, you complete douch, don't you know you have now messed up your kids for life, for forever? What about your parents, what the hell?? Really, man??  Your siblings, it wasn't enough for your family to go through this once, but twice now? Really?? What about your friends, the ones that had your back, who loved you like a brother, who stood by your side, regardless, even after you pushed and pushed and pushed them away.

I mean really, if your weren't dead I would kick your ass.

Ok, so that seems bad, hurtful and cold, but it is just one set of thoughts that are running through my head since you decided you couldn't take no more.

But here are some others;

What more could have been done, what did you need to get out of all that darkness? What more should have been done? Did you feel loved enough? Did you need more tough love? Did something happen to you that you couldn't share, did someone damage you? Who hurt you, and left you in this state? Was it us? Was it someone who loved you? Did you need more? Did you take too much? Did we give you too much? Could you have learned? Could you have changed? What needed to be done? Did we give up on you too soon?

You are going to be missed, more than you can ever imagine, and by more than you realize, your last choice is one that will leave ripples through out time.

I wish there was a magic word that would have pulled you out of this, I wish there was a way to bring you back, to get you to see all the love the world had for you. That you could realize that wasn't your only choice, that it didn't need to end this way, that you were better than this, that so many really wanted you to shine.

You have left behind love ones that are broken, spent and left incomplete.  You have left a hole that no one else will ever be able to fill. You left, left us, left Jaime to pick up the pieces, left your children to face this world with out one more fighting in their corner, you left your parents, even after the pain you saw them go through before, losing another child, You left your siblings and friends, you left. Just left, you made your choice and found it a fitting answer, for everyone left behind to question. 

While you think you got the last word you didn't. You may have ended it on your terms,  we get the finally say. We get to decide how we will remember you. How you will be held in our hearts.

The pain is fresh, the hurt and betrayal is new, shock is still holding on tight, but this won't last, the pain will get softer around the edges, the betrayal will fade, and the shock will lift as the reality of it will settle in, as we look around and realize that the world hasn't stopped moving, that time still moves on, and that is when we will remember you, the one that was the real you, the one you didn't think we saw anymore, your smile, your twisted sense of humor, your smarts, and talents, your love and friendship.

That my friend is the last word we will have, the peace we will feel knowing you are no longer struggling, that you know just how much you are truly loved and missed. We will carry a piece of you with us. Not that it is close to really having you here, but it is all we are left with, so it is all we can carry with us.  Peace for you and for your loved ones.

Peace to you Justin.

Hickies?? Making out? Do kids do that anymore ?

When was the last time you got a hicky? I don't even know if I am spelling that right.  Do kids even give hickies anymore? 

Well I just got one tonight.  Crazy right?  What is a 40 year old lady doing with a hicky?  Making out with her husband, that's what. 

It is right on my neck,  it's going to be a pain to hide.  Hubs said I should just say, "yeah so we got on hot and heavy", and maybe I will.  Especially if my teenager is around. 

Sorry it has been a while.  I am completely a mess.  I am back to my original weight,  and I am bummed about it.  I keep getting too sick to work out,  and we started marriage counseling.  At least that is going on.  Not too bad so far.  And get this the sex had been better since we started,  who knew? 

TMI?

Tough!  My blog.  Don't like it,  go start your own.  Oh wait you already have one.  Who doesn't?  Oh yeah my mom, that's who.  (Regular show anyone?)

I am having mixed feelings about Christmas,  maybe I will share them another day. 

After proof reading this maybe midnight isn't the time to update my long neglected blog. My bad. Yikes I am really showing my age,  off to bed I go. 

Rolling deep fog.

Suicide is a very complex issue, why a person would do it, how it affects their loved ones. Lots of questions are always left unanswered, things left unsaid, feelings never shared.

Some say it is an easy way out, that they are weak and selfish, but do you really know, do you know the voices in their minds that could not be silenced? Do you know the demons that consumed all the light in their lives?  Or how long they fought over and over to crawl out of the void that surrounds them? 

These are not passing thoughts of fancy, coming and going on a whim, like the latest fads catching your eye, but rather ones that roll slowly in, inch by inch, like a slow moving fog, settling down and clouding out any and all light, until you are left in complete grey, devoid of color and sight, and it is so dense that you can't see those right there in front of your reaching out to help you. Because in their minds, they are all alone. Carrying with them a despair that is so hard to carry, they become numb to everything, shutting everyone, and everything out.

Some may say it was a good thing, that they are now at peace, in a better place. Free from the pain and hurt.

While on paper that may seem so, that they are free of the pain and suffering that drove them to act on a decision they can never take back, it isn't true, freedom does not come through death. Yes their temporal pain may be gone, but they are not free of consequences of their choices.

They will now know the pain they caused their loved ones, more than they ever would have in real life, because they no longer have the isolating, desperate thoughts dominating their minds, they can now look beyond themselves and see how much their choice, as some call it, really changed the path their loved ones were on, because once a person dies, those close to them are never the same, never.

While they may feel as if they are doing their loved one a service by ending their lives, that they are making it a better place. This is false thinking, a logic that can't be worked out in their minds, because they are not able to see beyond themselves, it is not selfish of them, because they believe they are a burden, with their deaths they are freeing the world of the undeserving, they may even see it as a gift they are giving us.

With suicide, the pain they wish to escape does not dissipate and fade away, it passes on to the living. Death leaves a void, never to be filled by any amount of time. Those left behind get no closure, get no peace. They are drug into that slow moving fog, lost, wanting to find peace, and to feel no pain.

As a mentally sound person this does not make sense to us, we can see the flaws in these thoughts, but we have light and direction, we can see beyond ourselves, the mentally ill do not always have this luxury, to them death is just another way to find comfort and light, because in heavy darkness, the small spark of death promises so much, it can be a fantastic beacon that can't be denied.

The one thing that is never changeable, never reversible, never to be undone is death.

Mental Health needs more understanding, more compassion and more support. We need to no longer be ashamed or afraid, we can no longer sit by and do nothing, we need to reach out, we need to be a voice that brings change, stand up for those who can't. We need to be the light, we need to change how the weak in our society are treated. We need to focus on loving others, not finding fault and cause to destroy each other

Stand up for yourself, make your voice be heard, you are not alone. No one is alone. The spark of death isn't the only thing to lead you out of the fog. Speak up, let us hear you, again and again.

Today was a very busy day, really.

So we left early, ran errands, checked phone prices, finally got new phones, I hope these work better. the last ones we straight from hell, the worst ever, or maybe it was the carrier hard to say really.

 I also got a reward meal, at Sizzlers, yes I know not the fanciest of places, but I am a sucker for their Malibu Chicken, if you haven't had it in a while you should it is so much better than before, and so is the salad bar, they now have pop corn chicken for the boys.

But the best part of today was that I challenged myself, I often thought about running to the rec center, while the Hubs drives the boys down, and tonight in 90 degree weather I did it, on the spur of the moment, not fully ready nor planned for, but I did it, I was slow, so slow, I was hot, and I chaffed in all the wrong places, (is there a right place to be chaffed?) I wasn't properly hydrated, and I had to walk some, it was a total of 3.5 miles, but I did it, in less than an hour, with most of it walking to be honest, but really I can use this as a jumping off point and try it again, with proper water, proper chap stick, proper pockets and a fully charged ipod. Better chaff protection. And I know next time will be faster and better.

I also went swimming with the boys once I got there, so I feel pretty good about today, I might even do some arm and ab work before I shower.

Good night, sweet cheeks.

Carrot Juice

I guess I should have taken a pic, I juiced some carrots and other veggies last night, but it can be a lot of work, maybe next time I will just toss it all in a crock pot and let it cook to mush and blend it up as soup.

I have been out walking already today, so that is a good start.

Just need to learn to be comfortable with feeling hungry. Which I am not really, just have a void that I try to fill, by not feeling, just eating.

Yeah, Yeah, yeah....

So I am sure you have heard this rant from me before, but here it is again, because well the weight is here again, add to the fact that I turn 40 next month, that hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday, and I realized I don't want to weigh this when I turn 40, so here I go again, but this time it is 47 days to 40 count down, I really want to drop at least 10lbs between now and my birthday. So please pray for me, I am going to need it.

I am going cold turkey, off everything yummy, and on to everything lean and green.

I am getting stressed out, so I better stop thinking about it, and writing about it, I hope I can keep up with blogging about it, we shall see.

Just a thought I had running around in my head last night.

Ok, so I am LDS, yep a Mormon, and while I use this post to talk about my life struggles, I don't really preach from here, but I felt fake by not expressing my views on whether our church treats women the same, it isn't really about the Priesthood, I don't think, I think that is picked because it is clearly one difference between men and women in our church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I think this is about feeling less than, not as good as, and I don't feel that way as I head to church on Sundays.

***please note what I am writing is my own personal beliefs, and feelings, I do not claim to be an expert nor a spokesperson in anyway for the church, but just for me and my testimony.***

Sure don't get me wrong, sometimes I felt like we focus more on the Priesthood and the rights and privileges that come with it, but that is because I was looking for that, when another sister in my ward pointed out my flaws on this point, and I realized that maybe my family life was one of the causes for my oversight, I grew up with six brothers and no sisters, I often heard, "This is for the boys..I want my boys to..girls can't come with", you get the point I am sure. If you look for the negative, or for only what you want to see, you will find it, but it doesn't mean the opposite isn't there to be found as well. And just because I felt like there was more time spent on it, never did it mean I have wanted or longed to have the Priesthood, or that I resented it. I realize that the Priesthood is a calling and blessing that needs to be honored, and respected, because it blesses everyone within its reach, male or female.  But so is Womanhood, it is a calling and blessing that needs to be honored and respected, because it too blesses everyone within its reach, male or female.

But even if I feel like we focus on the Priesthood a bit more than Relief Society (a large women's organization in our church, we have our own female leaders, and our own meetings and classes) this does not mean I feel like women are second class citizens, because we aren't, if anything we are greater than, we are held is greater regard, we are built up and protected. The church leaders through out time have called for the men to respect and cherish the women in their lives, that women are the greatest gift the lord has given them.

Of my six brothers, four are very active in the church and hold the priesthood, as my father did and both my grandfathers and many uncles, cousins and friends, as does my husband and my many brother in laws, I have benefited from having the priesthood in my life, without being ordained. This is not to say my two other brothers are less than for not holding the priesthood, they are both righteous men, who love their families and who's blessing help their families as well. It isn't because they are men, or because they are or aren't priesthood holders, it is because of their faith and the faith of those around them.

Really when it comes right down to it, the blessings that come from the Priesthood are received because of a persons own faith, not the men exercising their Priesthood callings, but the individual on the receiving end, whether it is blessing, the sacrament, or Temple ordinances. I am entitled to all the same benefits and privileges of the righteous priesthood holder because of my faith, not my sex. The priesthood isn't given out to men, just because they are a man, they have to be found worthy to be a priesthood holder.

I love being a woman in my church, I love the Young Woman's program and the Relief Society, I love having the bond with the women in my ward, I would miss this if we were all given the priesthood, we would no longer have our own meeting and classes, we would be with the men for everything, we would be one of the rank and file, that to me is sad, that I wouldn't be seen for the woman I am, but just another ordained Priesthood holder.

Or maybe that isn't what some see as our future, maybe they just feel that some woman should receive the Priesthood, special ones, that are truly worthy and regarded in high esteem by the Lord. I don't know how making us all the same makes us equal, well maybe it would, but we wouldn't be special, neither would the men, and again that makes me sad, to be made the same as man, which isn't the way we were designed. Why not embrace your differences, while honoring the Lord and his plan for us?

One last note, one thing I think some miss in the church is that for a man to enter the Temple they must be a worthy Priesthood holder, but as women, we just need to be worthy, we are in the lords eyes (I feel) closer to the Lord than man, just in our nature, and with this, we are enough, just who we were, we do not need to be ordained to enter the Temple, this is an extra step men have to achieve to enter. And as all members know, the Temple is the Lords House and we are all entitled to the blessings found there, and viewed as we are, and will be, based on our faith and obedience, not our positions in the church or our sex. 

I love the women in my ward, and my family and my friends, whether they are in the church or not, and I love that we are special and unique in the eyes of the Lord, Priesthood or not, because it is our own faith that matters, regardless of who we are and where we are in life.

I am sure this might be seen as ramblings by a brainwashed sheep, who doesn't see just how the Man is keeping her down, but trust me, I know how the lord feels about me, and that is the only Man, that ultimately matters.