There are some things I will always be proud of, and one of them is that I have never ever tried anything alcoholic. Not a sip. Being from a very small town, it was a very easy thing to do on the weekends, as a teenager, to go out and get drunk. I was even at some of those parties, not many just a few. But I always said no. I was later promoted to be a designated driver in my twenties for my friends. But I still didn't drink. My friends knew that I wouldn't and they didn't try to get me to. I was once at out with a sister in law, running around doing errands, in the middle of the day no less, and I asked about going some place to get a drink, she responded with "I am not going to go to a bar with you". I then let her know in no uncertain terms I didn't and won't drink and I meant a drive thru, like McDonalds. I am not certain, but I hope she felt stupid after make such an assumption. There are days I crave a fun, fruity drink, but that is only Kool-Aid, with added lime or lemon juice. Or maybe a smoothie, filled with fruit, or maybe turned into a shake. I think of it as a little break from the norm, a very mini vacation.
I am sure by now you are wondering why the heck I am talking about drinking if I don't drink. Well I will tell you why.
I read an article the other day about stay at home mom's who became alcoholics. They started with just a little drinking, and then the problem grew and got worse. I don't know what it feels like to be drunk, or a little tipsy. So I can't relate on how that would feel. But what I can relate to is that sometimes being a parent can be mind numbing. How it can push you to the edge and leave you hanging there, for hours on end. The constant demands and expectation, the lack of sleep, lack of adult conversation. Not only that your family puts on you, but ones you put on yourself. To always have the kids looking cute, to have the kitchen clean, to have food on the table, to be attractive and attentive to your spouse. Those never go away, that constant nagging, telling you over and over you are a mess, and it won't get better. That you should give up. And even if you get to the point where you can put yourself first and workout, you feel guilty that you aren't spending that time with the babies. It is an endless cycle.
So if Alcohol gives you that break, a little time out, takes you to a place where you feel better about yourself, you feel more confident, more able to bear the boredom, and the minutiae of staying at home, then I can see how it all gets started. I can also say I am so glad I have never drank before. Because I have to say if I had, there is a good chance I might be one of those alcoholic drunks. Not so much because I don't love being a stay at home mom, and not because I don't love my children and my family. Not because I am not grateful everyday I get to stay home. But because you can become very weak in spirit at times, and without a break, those times will come more often and last longer. So sneaking a drink here and there, would become easier, and become a very long, and large slippery slope.
So I am glad that I can say I haven't ever drank before, because after all this time I know I have the strength and desire not to do it. But I have also learned how to make things work on my own, how to take a time out when it is needed, how to say, yes I can work out today, and not feel bad about it. How I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, when the darkness descends. Now, I am not perfect, I get depressed, I get lonely, I feel like a failure, but I know that me, myself and I, and with help from the lord, I can pull myself up. That I can lift my head up and say tomorrow will be a better day. And that is another thing I will always be proud of, that when it comes right down to it, I can rely on myself. Not something from a bottle to make things better. By ME, MYSELF, AND I.
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