Wants and needs.

Is it bad to want and need things? 

Before you answer you need to know where I am coming from. I grew up poor with a mentally ill mother and a workaholic father. Neither gave me much in the line of material things nor in emotional needs. I was left alone with my siblings for hours on end night or day for months on end.

Sometimes with no food, or running water or clean clothes, or toilet paper even.  So you can imagine we didn't learn very many coping skills. On any level.  Because when your energy is spent on basic needs, you can't learn emotional lessons.  And it still affects me to this day. Being isolated and alone.

I love my husband but look for reasons to fight with out even realizing it. I want to push him and every one else away. I feel like I have to fight for love and attention. Damn it, notice me. Love me. Pay attention to me.

I was sexually abused and no one knew. I was made fun of on a daily basis for the way I looked and smelled.  I was an outcast even at church and in my own family. I wore shoes until they fell apart with no socks to speak of. I had no roll model to teach me hygiene.  I was the smelly kid, for years. I even missed school because I had no clothes to wear. My mom had to make me pants, which ended up coming apart at the seams.

I was neglected.  Ignored and forgotten.  I can think of many women in my life who just did nothing. Aunts, teachers and church leaders. I even had some make fun of me. And they knew, I mean really, how could they not know? I was let down over and over. I just wanted to be loved and accepted.  Once I didn't get that from those who loved me, I moved on to the jerks and idiots who love damaged girls.

And here is the kicker, I know my childhood sucked and I know I was let down, but all I can say is that was life, be stronger cause no one cares.  Suck it up. Move on.

I really want to say, love yourself. Take care of yourself.  Build yourself up.

But, yep there is always a but, I say why? Why bother, who cares, it doesn't matter.  Won't make a difference. Give up and move on.

So not only do I reject others I reject myself. I can't even open up and love me. I can't want or need to love myself because I am not worth it.

This bothers me. But I don't have the skills to make it right. I don't know how to change it.  How to open up and accept love and let others in. How to find value in myself.

So really is it bad to want and need things? Is it bad to want to love myself and those around me in a healthy way? To need others? Really?  And how do I do it?