Hormones, aren't they a mysterious thing?

So after having my last baby, and at the same time getting my tubes tied, I realized I had some rather unfortunate side effects. Some awful ones in my opinion. To be blunt, for the first time in my life I had to find where the KY jelly is located in the grocery store. Or as my husband and I call it, I love Hawaii. (that is another story, if you want to hear it let me know, but since no one reads this, I guess I don't need to worry about that)  Anyway, I was also having head aches, and dizzy spells, and suffered from more migraines, which just stunk. I even went to see a dr about it, not knowing that a tubal could cause all of these issues.  But before we did anything too crazy about it, like getting it reversed we decided to wait it out until I was done nursing my youngest.  Because that also messes with your hormones as well.

Well I don't know what happened, or what I did different, or if it was just a matter of time, but some of these side effects seem to have gone away.  I realized it one day out of the blue when I was really hungry.  Like I hadn't eaten in weeks. I couldn't stop eating, and I knew I was full. Also the thought of being with my husband didn't make me shiver in the wrong way.  I am happy for the change, don't get me wrong, and since we have misplaced the I love Hawaii, and haven't needed to find it, I am even happier. But at the same time, it makes me ponder just how strong and effective hormones are.

Also, why do they make me so hungry now?  I had thought  I was doing so much better on my new way of eating, that food had lost it control over me.  But that is now out the window and seems to be super hard to follow. I am hungry all the time, and horny all the time. I need them to maybe level off. That way overeating wouldn't be so much of a struggle and so I don't feel so frustrated everyday.  Also I am back to having a hard time getting to sleep.  Maybe I should do some research, but I am afraid of what I might find. Maybe I should just wait a few more weeks, and things will swing back the other way.  Sure I won't want to do it, but I also won't want to eat everything in the fridge either.  Which would you prefer, not having enjoyable sex or having control over your eating habits?  Satisfied or skinny?

Just how messed up am I?

Ok, here is something to prove just how screwed in the head I am when it comes to how I feel about myself. Last weekend I was at a party for my Sister in Law.  I had the two youngest boys there with me and my husband was with us as well. It was a nice party, but for most of the time I was suffering from some cramping, since I was distracted most of the night, I didn't pay attention really.  But then a few nights ago, I had the same cramps, and several other symptoms that were rather discerning.  Add to it my family history of very young deaths due to heart attacks.  So I emailed my dr, who recommended I have a stress electrocardiogram done. Which I had yesterday. Everything looked good, my heart appeared healthy. I was happy to hear this yesterday. But today, I am bummed, and I am not so sure why, I don't feel motivated, I feel like I want to crawl back into bed.

Yes I am tired, last night was another long one with the babies. I didn't get into bed until after 11, almost midnight. Then the baby woke up two more times. So maybe that is part of it. But I think I wanted an excuse to be less productive, a reason to explain why I need to take things extra slow. Like, well I wish I could work on that, but I have this heart issue. I at one time in my life was able to run 5 miles at a time, now I can't go up a flight of stairs with out wanting to die. Maybe my husband is right, maybe I need professional help. I just feel like I keep going in circles, thinking I can fix this, thinking I have the answers, that I have a break through as to why I acted this way. But then I am back to square one.  Is it because I don't love myself? Is it because I gave up on what my inner self truly wants? Is it all because I am just tired?

Well no matter what it is, I still need to do the things I need to make my life work. I still have babies to feed, food to cook, and some nasty tile to demolish, so I better get cracking.  I gotta whip out the nipples, bust out the hammers, and get my ass to the grocery store. Maybe I can delve into my psyche another day.  

Internet brain?

I have turned on the computer several times today, and other days in the past with a clear intent, a reason to get on, you know, look something up, send someone an email, listen to a certain song.  But by the time it starts up, and I get all my pages loaded, I totally forget why I got online in the first place, then I start messing around with my email, facebook, etc, and don't remember until I have turned off the computer and walked away. That I was supposed to do something specific.

I am now calling that internet brain.  Sure some of it is because I still suffer from pregnant brain, but a lot of it is because I have a clear routine all in place for when I get online. I check the news, I check my two email accounts, I jump on facebook, and maybe check my bank balance. Once all of that is done, 30 minutes has gone by, and I am being paged away from the computer by real life.  Real life being my children, or the bread I am making, or maybe even someone else wanting the computer. So I wonder off, and about ten feet away from the computer, I hit myself in the head because I have remembered I forgot to look up, research, email that something that was so important that I couldn't hold onto it for 30 minutes.  So I have to try to remember the next time I get online.

I hate internet brain. But I have to say, I have tried very hard to remember what I got online for this time, I wanted to.... Oh crap, I have lost it again. Maybe tomorrow.

Musing for today, is that the right use of the word?

So I realized that I tend to blog when I am upset or feeling sad, so I wanted to be more self aware, and try blogging when I am in a good mood. So here goes.

The funniest thing I have said today when taken out of context: "Your toothbrush isn't for your Bum, it is for your teeth."  I found my self saying that to my toddler, in case you were wondering. He spends a lot of time buck naked to help him realize when he needs to use the potty, so when he found his tooth brush this morning, he started to "brush, poke and attempt to clean" all sorts of body parts today.  But thankfully, he stopped in time and no extra sanitation will be needed for his brush. 

Also, it never fails, it seems to be the instant you realize other people will be looking at your children, is when you noticed the big stain on their clothes. You know, like when you are getting them out of the car seat to take them into the grocery store, and you are then screwed, because you have no way of taking care of the spot. So just embrace your inner slob and go with it.

I was talking about a lady I know from church, and in our church we call each other brother and sister, bet you can't guess what religion I am now??  Anyway, I was telling my teenager about Sister So and So, and he said "why don't you use her first name, using Sister So and So, sounds a bit cultish don't you think?"   I guess he is right, but that is part of my issues, I don't like letting my guard down and using first names is one of the first steps of letting it fall at church. I am just not comfortable with that yet. Even with some ladies I have known for years. Sorry Sister So and So's, you will be Sister So and So for a while still.

I am honing in on how I want the kitchen to look, I am so excited about it, I could end up with a whole new kitchen by the end of the month, yippie, so inspired, just need to make sure I don't flake out, and fall back on my favorite excuses, too tired, too poor, too busy with the babies.

One other thing, just because I call my baby a parasite does not mean I don't love him, I very much do, but unless you are a nursing mother, you just don't get it. Maybe you are a nursing mother and still don't get it, well that isn't my problem then, isn't??  It is yours, because you choose to be offended.

Have a great day!

ARRGGGGGG!!!! SUPER ARRRRGGGGGGGG!!!!

WTF, yeah I did it, WTF, I want to really drop the F bomb, but I need to be patience and show restraint.

Why is it that my toddler always does the same thing he knows is wrong. I don't know how to get through to him, I don't know what punishment will work. Or should I say what discipline, or behavior modification needs to be applied?  I have tried speaking to him softly, I have tried time outs, I have snapped and yelled, I even, oh my gosh, spanked his diapered bum, and even tried to divert his attention, I have put his toys in time out, yep toys serve time out here. But nothing, nothing seems to work.

He really loves to put things in the dogs water. I mean any and everything, my cell phone was the worst, but it runs the gambit, from spoons, soft baby toys, to dog toys and oranges. I don't get it, he knows it is wrong, because he gets very quiet when he does it. He then makes his sad face when we find it, well at least sometimes he does, other times he is quite proud of himself. Like he did something great and awesome. 

Now, I am sure you know he does it for attention, like most of what he does at this age, and since his little brother has come on the scene.  To counter act this,  I have tried quietly removing the items and not making a fuss about it, but to no avail, he still does it, without any hesitation. He is a smart child, he knows it is wrong. I just want to understand it, why the fascination with the dogs water, why must he drop everything into it.

There are times he goes days with out touching it, other days he does it a dozen times, getting water all over the kitchen floor and soaking himself in the process.  It really has gotten to me, it is just a real pain. I would love to know how to deal with this. Sure I can google the issue.  I can read all sorts of books, but what suggestion are they going to give me that I haven't already tried?  The best part is how these experts all contradict each other, do it this way, no do it that way, never do this, always try this. Read one and you are a genius, read another and you are a big fat idiot, lucky that your children haven't been taken away by the state.

I think that every parent needs a book written for each specific child.  I am sure you know that even in families how you handle your children varies, you don't do the same punishment for everyone, because each child responds in their own way.  So I guess I need to find a way to write a book on each child, that would be of use to no one else but my husband and I. But one of these days I am sure I will have figured out a way to get him to stop, even if it is when he is a teenager and I have to enlist the help of his girlfriend.  We will by then be able to get him to realize that the dogs water is not in fact a toy and that it is a pretty gross thing to toss your food into, you little raccoon.

Husband experiment, part three.

So my husband has read my blog, everyone of them, he says that he feels bad about my life, that I am struggling. He is right, I am but I also realize I don't always think to blog when things are going good. He also said that I make he sound like a jerk. Which he isn't really, we just have very different ways of looking at things. We are very much alike, yet we can be completely different as well. Sometimes those things work together and make us better, sometimes they work against each other and bring on the fights.  If only he would realize I am always right, would his life be so much easier. Or if he would stop doing dumb stuff that bugs me, and just do what I tell him to do, everything would be paradise, not really, but it is a nice fantasy isn't it?

But he read the parts about my experiment, so I am glad I didn't completely spell it out for him. He might not have liked my motivation for it. But it seems to have helped.  He seems less stressed and more willing to talk, and the best side of it, is that I don't think I have had to put my self out trying this. It was really a change in how I looked and interacted with him. I was more patience, listened more, and I showed more affection. Like touching his arm, holding his hand, giving longer hugs. I read that men need twice as much touching as woman, to release the same amount of the feel good chemicals the body makes, maybe that is why they see love as more of a physical thing, than us women do.

So I guess the moral is, kiss and love your hubby more, be softer and more gentle, why treat your children with a soft touch, if you don't so the same thing with your husband. It isn't giving in to him, or bowing down to him, it is just a softer approach. It is how a mans brains seem to work. I have 6 brothers and it took me this long to realize that most men, respond so much better to a tender heart, than a cold one. Some one who builds them up, and makes them feel wanted and needed. 

We woman tend to go after men like our fathers, so it makes sense men would want something that was a model of a mother, maybe not theirs per-say, but someone who loves them, cuddles them, and thinks they are the best thing going. But if this isn't something you feel you can do, then pass on it. It isn't babying them, or letting them run over you, it is just a hug, or a touch, or a wow, what a great job. How hard is that?  It worked for us, and is really simple and easy to do anyway, when you get right down to it, it is just showing your husband that you love him in a different way than you might have thought he needed.

Bread Again

I made more bread, it was a different recipe, I am not so sure I like it as much as the original. I bought some dough enhancer, man using that stuff is like using steroids, the bread just grew and grew and grew. I don't know if I could make bread again without it.  It was a bit hard to find, because I was looking in the wrong spot in the grocery store, I needed to look in the food storage section of the store. It was right there next to the wheat gluten. Some of the bread I brushed with melted butter to make it all soft, but the rest I left hard. There is nothing wrong with crispy bread. One thing I have found with making bread in my part of the country is that you need to always add more flour. But that is normal I think for most places.

But again, my hubs didn't try it, but everyone else really seems to enjoy it. Especially the toddler, he has been tossing it around like a ball, does that tell you how crusty the crust is?

I am happy that I am becoming an old hat at making bread. Makes me feel as if I have accomplished something. I have realized I have four areas I want to work on, cooking and baking, decorating and being creative, sewing, and then working on my health. Maybe one of these days I can find a way to tie it all together.  Right now, I am in the middle of thinking about my kitchen and making it more personal, painting it and adding a back splash. I tend to think that I have two small children, when would I have the time. Then I talk to my sister in law who has 6 kids and she is right now in the process of redoing her computer room, while her husband and oldest child is out of town. Last time he left town she added on to the balcony in their garage to make room for more storage. She is an amazing lady, doing all sorts of things. Baking, sewing, cooking, all while raising 6 kids. She puts me to shame, I don't know where she gets all of her energy, but she does motivate me. If she can do it, so can I.

So watch out hubby here I come. Well here comes the kitchen that is.