Just how messed up am I?

Ok, here is something to prove just how screwed in the head I am when it comes to how I feel about myself. Last weekend I was at a party for my Sister in Law.  I had the two youngest boys there with me and my husband was with us as well. It was a nice party, but for most of the time I was suffering from some cramping, since I was distracted most of the night, I didn't pay attention really.  But then a few nights ago, I had the same cramps, and several other symptoms that were rather discerning.  Add to it my family history of very young deaths due to heart attacks.  So I emailed my dr, who recommended I have a stress electrocardiogram done. Which I had yesterday. Everything looked good, my heart appeared healthy. I was happy to hear this yesterday. But today, I am bummed, and I am not so sure why, I don't feel motivated, I feel like I want to crawl back into bed.

Yes I am tired, last night was another long one with the babies. I didn't get into bed until after 11, almost midnight. Then the baby woke up two more times. So maybe that is part of it. But I think I wanted an excuse to be less productive, a reason to explain why I need to take things extra slow. Like, well I wish I could work on that, but I have this heart issue. I at one time in my life was able to run 5 miles at a time, now I can't go up a flight of stairs with out wanting to die. Maybe my husband is right, maybe I need professional help. I just feel like I keep going in circles, thinking I can fix this, thinking I have the answers, that I have a break through as to why I acted this way. But then I am back to square one.  Is it because I don't love myself? Is it because I gave up on what my inner self truly wants? Is it all because I am just tired?

Well no matter what it is, I still need to do the things I need to make my life work. I still have babies to feed, food to cook, and some nasty tile to demolish, so I better get cracking.  I gotta whip out the nipples, bust out the hammers, and get my ass to the grocery store. Maybe I can delve into my psyche another day.