I hate that I don't feel comfortable in a fast food restaurant, what I hate even more is that my husband doesn't seem to understand this. I have been this way for years and he still doesn't seem to get it or understand it, and I am not sure he ever will. He said, "well you can eat at other sit down places, so it doesn't make sense to me." So now I feel to fat to eat at any restaurant. I can bet you money that he doesn't get that either and doesn't really care. Hey, he will get to save money by not having to take me out anymore. He upset me, and he knows it, and do you think he is going to apologize, well don't hold your breath, cause it ain't gonna happen. To him this is all my own fault, because I am being hormonal or some sort of nonsense. I would always prefer to just go through the drive thru, than park and go inside, especially with two little kids in tow. By the time we get them out of the car and into the restaurant, we could have our food and be on our way.
I am still hungry, I didn't want to get something to eat for dinner and feel like a zoo animal on display for everyone driving by to see, so I just got something small, and it wasn't enough. I have felt like crap all day, I have just wanted to eat something to feel me up, to feel full and complete. But that wasn't going to happen. Why doesn't he get me, even before we got to the place I asked, "we are just going to go through the drive thru right/", ummm, no. It wasn't until we had the babies out of the car that he said he was willing to use the drive thru, well that is a bit late. Even after we ordered the food he wanted us to take it to go, after he told them we were staying. I just want him to love me, and hold me, and let me know that it is ok.
When we were dating I was a lot skinnier and he told me he would never date someone who weighs over 250 lbs, because they are gross. That he isn't attracted to women that big. Well that is where I am at now, so how am I supposed to believe it when he tells me he loves me, that he finds me attractive? I don't believe it, I don't believe most of what comes out of this mouth when it comes to how I look. Maybe that is one of the reasons I am this fat still. Maybe I want to feel loved by him no matter what, but at this point, that isn't going to happen.
That is one reason I need to change the tape playing in my head, I need to say screw him, and just get skinny for myself. Maybe one day I will have the power to do just that.
This week has been a complete downhill slide for me, I was on a path that was headed in the right direction, but all week long it has been one big pity party for me. I am sure some of this is due to my tubal ligation, to me nursing, and being stuck in the house all day long. But I am also sure that some of it is just because I am feeling depressed and would be feeling depressed regardless of my situation. Being skinny won't make me happy, having money won't make me happy, having more friends won't do it either. Just me can do that, and as far as this week goes, it is a complete bust. Sorry for being such a downer. But I want to feel better, I want to do better. I didn't get like this overnight, or even in a year, so I know I can't change overnight, or even in a few months. All I can do is take one day at a time, and keep going on this journey I am on.
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