So I was able to see my therapist again and I have to tell you it was a very emotional experience. After discussing my past last time, she recommended I try a trauma therapy. I won't go into details about the treatment itself, because you really need a trained therapist to help you with it. I wouldn't want anyone to try it on their own and get even more screwed up because I wrote about it on here, and then that person feels the need to come and hunt me down and serve me with legal papers because they want to sue my ass. I mean they can try and I am sure there is a jury out there that would let them win, and award them millions of dollars, but I don't have millions of dollars. Being a stay at home mom, the only thing I have in millions is guilt and regrets, and you don't have to sue me for them, I will gladly give them to you for free, Sucker. So you will need to speak to a certified therapist about it, if you are interested, and by certified, I don't mean go ask google.
So she walked me through this process and it brought up trauma from an event very early in my childhood, that I wasn't fully aware of. I didn't remember all of it, but I did remember enough of it, especially the pain, I would equate it to the pain I felt when I found out my father died. I had no idea that was still lingering inside of me. And after having it released, I can see how it affected so many aspects of my life. I can say I feel less anger now, and I feel calmer. Going to bed at night has been a stressful time for me, I didn't like being left alone with my thoughts and fears, but the night I got home, I easily went to bed with out a second thought about it. I can also see how it has made it easier to get past things that happened later in life. I held a lot of resentment towards my parents, because of my moms bipolar roller coaster and my father's working man's denial. I haven't been able to let go of and that has become much less. Which is a nice burden to let go of.
She also said that I would have all sorts of good memories come back to me, and I have had a flood of them come at me. I realized that I remember running around with a cousin of mine when we were very little. Just before I turned three. Why this is important is because she was burned all over her body when she was three, and I always thought of her after she was burned, but I remember her before that happened. It was sort of like a puzzle coming together. I have a lot of memories from when I was younger. They all seem much happier now.
I don't know if I will need to try it again or not, but it would be worth it, all the pain it brings up, because you get to work through the pain and let it all go. It is nice to be able to release all of it. At this point my only wish would be that I had a few days without any pressing responsibility (yes, that is a nice way to say a break from being a SAHM) to fully process everything. When you are running around wiping noses, butts and counter tops, you don't get to totally take everything in and have the full effect take place. You feel completely stimulated because your brain is bombarded with memories, while being bombarded with request all at the same time. Which is leaving me a bit frazzled. But over all, it has been very beneficial to my mental health.
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