Working it out.

I went to see a therapist last week. So it was ok, I enjoyed having someone to talk to and listen to me.  It allows me to think about my life and what it really important. I had a interesting thought later that same night about my upbringing. How I was forced into the roll of a caregiver and how this role has affected many of the aspects of my life. From how I interact with my brothers, the boyfriends I have had, to how I raise my children. Also, I realized that I can't trust those that are supposed to be my caregivers. So in the past I picked people who were distance and unable to give me the care and protection I needed. I picked people who were too self involved to really truly care about me. But I don't think my husband is that way. He cares for me greatly, and I am learning the ways in which he shows me that.

This really helped me realize that my brothers are my brothers and my children are my children. There is a difference I didn't fully see before. I also know that I can't be blamed for how I was a caregiver when I was younger and that I need to let go of that guilt and regret. Honestly, would you expect a 7 year old girl to know how to be a caregiver? No, so I need to let that go. Also I need to break habits that I took on when I was that young and watching four younger children than me, with out much support from others. I couldn't control everything, like where we lived, what we had to eat or didn't have, I couldn't control what sort of resources we had. But those are things I can control now. I need to own those things, and make things better with what I have.

I hope to be able to work on this, I know things don't change over night. But it really was an eye opener. It made me realize that perhaps I keep drama loving people in my life, because I then could be their caregivers. Why perhaps I choose certain men in my life, so I could "mother" them. But why that didn't work, because I too needed someone to "mother" me. I am always looking to my mother to fill that role, but I need to accept the fact that she isn't ever going to be able to not, the way I want her to. So I need to accept her for how and who she is. That is hard, your mom is supposed to be your mom, not a bipolar crazy, all drugged up.

I am also hoping to get some insight into why I can't finish things, why I can't succeed, and become better.  Like this morning, I know I need to work out and lose weight, I read an article about preventing diabetes, which is huge in my family, by working out with weights.  Something that I started to do months ago, but with the holidays I let slide.  I started walking again but I kept putting off the weights. Why? That is what I want to know, why? I know I need to, I have been able to in the past, I know how it makes me feel, why would I not be motivated any longer? That is something I want an answer to. It would be able to help me with all sorts of things. But until I figure that out, I just need to do it, just start lifting weights, just clean the house, just work on my art work. Because tomorrow is coming no matter what. Life still marches on, even if I don't want to join the band.