Feeling lonely

With the weather turning bad,  and my belly getting bigger, I feel less inclined to head outside.  Since I am going no where, I am feeling even more alone.  I was lucky last week my husband was home for three days during the week, which was really nice. But two were busy days, getting ready for thanksgiving company. We had to cook and clean, it was a mess. We didn't get along very well.  We both have different ideas on what to clean.  He wanted the basement cleaned, but that wasn't even on my radar, as far as I was concerned we weren't going to have any reason for anyone to go down into the pit. But he felt like he might have to show it off.  Why?  Who wants to see every nook and cranny of someone elses house, if you aren't buying it, why do you care?

I won out, and we focused on the upstairs.  I ended up cooking everything for dinner, with the only help being that the 1st helped me peel potatoes. Which was nice. I do have to say that hubs did help me clean up and put everything away.  He loved my apple pie, which was nice, he likes so little of what I make.  All he ate for dinner was Mashed potatoes, KFC gravy, and turkey, and one of the rolls I made.  He doesn't like to eat weird things, or funky things.  But I guess that is his choice.  But when you are like me, I find value in myself by, what people think of my cooking, not sure why, I am sure it is something from my past.  But I want everyone to love my food, and enjoy what I make.  But that doesn't happen. I guess it is one more thing to add to my list of things to fix.

Speaking of things to fix, I am getting better, I have been putting my dishes away, and I cleaned out a corner of the bedroom.  Also part of the closet. For me that is huge.  It was messy for years, and I tackled it today.  I just hope my husband likes it, and doesn't get upset that I took time and effort to clean that, and not unload the dishwasher.  I can't do it all. I would love to, but not at this point.  What I did today was probably too much to do.

I am sure I seem like a lazy slob, and I admit that I am, but don't I get some credit because I want to do better and I am taking very small steps to do so.  I mean come on, I had the TV off for hours today. Cut me some slack. I was also able to get some reading time in. Which I don't get enough of. I guess I just want some love and attention, I am trying to reach out. Maybe I need to do more, and whine less.

268 pounds

The last time I went to the doctors that is what I weighed, I was it was an amount in English currency, but I am not that lucky. That is a lot, but not the most I have ever weighed, I was more when I had the 2nd. But after I had him I lost over twenty pounds in just a couple of weeks, so most of it was the baby. 

I know that is part of the reason I am having a hard time getting around. I find myself turning around three times, like a dog does before he lays down.  But I do this while I am trying to figure out how I am going to bend over to pick something up, or knee down to get something from under the couch.  I hate that about my couches, that they are open on the bottom and everything just pushed under.  Oh well.  It can be a lot of work just getting down low and then trying to get back up. I don't think my family understands how much easier it is for them just to pick it up, then to have me try. Like cleaning out the lower rack of the dish washer, or taking clothes out of the dryer, and forget about cleaning out the tub. The tub floor has become no man's land. I asked the 1st to clean it before thanksgiving, so that will be nice. He does a really good job. Over all he is a great kid, but he can be a handful at times.  The best was when he admitted on Saturday that he does things to push our buttons, just to see our reaction. What I think he doesn't get is that, hubs and I are very good at that as well.  He didn't invent this game, and with time he will grow tired of it, because we will always have a come back for him. 

I am more active now then I was when I had the 2nd, but that is because I stay home with the 2nd.  Having a toddler to chase around makes you move a lot more.  But I am also eating a whole lot of junk.  I just don't have the patience to cook something.  Grabbing something out of a bag, or nuking something is much easier.  I do have a lot of fruit on hand, but it just doesn't ever sound good. Like it seems to sweet, or something. I have been able to eat bananas this time.  Last time they gave me the worst kind of heart burn.  I can say with a bit of certainty that this baby will end up coming out bald.  My first was, I didn't have much heart burn with him either. The 2nd came out with a full head of hair, it wasn't a surprise.

I guess I need to find quick healthy foods, that don't seem to sweet.  Easy things to make and cook in the microwave.  I know they have them out there, I just don't spend much time in the freezer section when I shop. But I guess I will need to re think how I shop, and try to eat better. but that will start after this thursday. No way I am going to do a healthy turkey dinner.

It snowed. Cranberry Sauce Recipe.

Well, we finally got some real snow, it wasn't the first snow, but it was the first to stick around and cause a lot of problems.

I had something in mind to blog about, but I forgot.  Which isn't a surprise, with my prego brain I can't seem to remember anything. I have some in laws coming for thanksgiving dinner, so I am a bit stressed that way.  I am sure it will work out fine, but I have a long list of things to clean and cook, and not much time or energy to do it all.  I am going to focus on the sides first. Make some ahead of time. Like the cranberry sauce, if you have never made any you really should.  It kicks the canned stuff to the curb. Tt is so easy; bag of cranberries, a cup of liquid, and a cup of sugar, then you boil until the berries burst, which is 10 to 15 minutes, depending on your stove and where you live.  I always add some seasonings, like maybe a bit of cinnamon, or a touch of cayenne, with some of the liquid being juice, from either lemons, or oranges, and add a bit of zest from either as well.  So as you can see it is really easy, and not too expensive and the taste is way better.  Plus you can customize it as well, I know some people even put jalapeno's in theirs. 

I was also going to make rolls ahead of time, and the one pie I was going to make.  I was going to take it really easy, I am cooking a roast and a breast in crock pots.  Much easier than the oven, and much juicier.  I guess I don't have too much to worry about.

I still haven't decided what to do about getting help. I wish I had more energy, more desire and more drive, maybe that is related to being pregnant, maybe it isn't.  Why am I putting this off?  Why do I not want to admit defeat?  Why does the thought of seeing someone make me blue?

Therapy

Since my hubs mentioned therapy, I have been thinking about it.  I have to say it makes me sort of sad. I know he is right, and he just wants the best for me, and the rest of the family. He says he is willing to work it into his schedule, which is big, because he works such long hours, so I can stay home with the kids.

But I am just hesitant, what if there is something really wrong with me, what if I need major help. Do I need another thing that makes me feel like a failure?  Does getting therapy mean I am a failure? My mother has a major mental health illness, she has dealt with it basically as long as I have been alive.  Does this mean I am more like my mom than I want to admit?  Does this make me weak?  I did seek counseling when I was in college, it helped, and I responded really well. Maybe I am so low that I don't realize just how badly I need it. Maybe I see everything is shades of gray and black, and don't realize how many colors I am missing. I guess I need to think about this some more.

Need Help

My hubs wants me to seek mental health help.  Wants me to find someone to talk to, I guess that says it all.

Can't Sleep

I woke up early this morning in a slow panic.  You know where you are kind of hazy, but slowly realize something is amiss. I realized that I hadn't felt the baby move in a long while. So I started thinking all sorts of crazy, sad thoughts.  I got up and went to the bathroom to see if that would make a difference, nothing.  I started thinking back to the last time I was sure I felt something.  Usually about 20 minutes after I eat, he will start to disco, but I didn't remember him doing that last night.  I was a bit out of sorts last night, I was mad at everything body and everything, and I really wasn't certain why.  I just kept dropping the F bomb, and getting pissy with everyone. I even stormed out of the house after no one wanted to cook dinner. I ended up getting Panda Express, (which has some really tasty honey walnut shrimp, by the way).

I left the house looking like a rag-a-muffin, I was wearing slippers, pants with the elastic shot, that kept slipping down, with a too tight t shirt, that hugged my, somewhat prego-somewhat fat belly, just a tad too much.  I also threw on a jacket that my hubs says, "looks like an old bathrobe."  My hair was all a mess, tied up in a messy bun.  So in other words, I looked like a crazy cat lady, that hadn't showered in weeks, and needed to take her meds. I didn't think I was going to have anyone see me, I used a drive through, but I got a wild hair, and decided to find some shoes for number 2.  I figured looking deranged I could try a second hand place and fit right in and to my surprise, or should I say horror, someone from church was there.  I played like a ninja and strolled right on by, with one hand holding up my slipping pants. I am pretty sure she didn't see me, or if she did, I looked like such a mess she didn't want to get involved so late at night.  No luck on the shoes though, the best pair smelled like smoke, and that is just too much baggage. So I figured where can I go next, where no one is likely to know me, and I probably wouldn't be back to anytime soon??  I ended up going to Sears, a Sears that was in a old beat down, depressing Kmart building.  No one ever seems to really shop there, I don't know why it is still opened.  But I was right, I fit right in, it was close to closing, and the only other customers were in their actual pajamas's.  Sure my get up wasn't much better, and I am sure my bare belly was showing at one point, but at least I knew I wasn't wearing actual bed attire.  So I felt like I was more than appropriately dressed for the occasion, even if I had to keep a hold of my pants so they wouldn't fall down. All I can say is, when the heck did little kid shoes get so dang expensive?

Anyway, back to this morning, since I was distracted last night I wasn't certain the last time I felt the baby move.  So I ended up wide wake poking and prodding my belly, trying to get a reaction. I was laying really still, and focusing on every movement my body made.  And then finally 15 minutes later, I felt a nice strong kick, then another, then another.  It feels so good to be kicked from the inside.  I just started to glow. It is like when you go to the doctors office and you get to hear the heart beat, I don't think there is a more comforting sound, except maybe hearing your baby sleep, while you stand in the door way checking on them in the middle of the night.  Such quiet sounds can bring such inner peace.  So I am all calm now, but I still can't sleep. It is pretty late in the morning now, maybe I should just give in and find something productive to do, like fix that elastic in my pants before someone gets more of a show they bargained for. 

Rectal Bleeding

I have to say I hate hemorrhoids, they are the worst. If you haven't ever had one, let me describe it to you.  Imagine someone using a rotating blade inside your rectum, nicking it here and there. Then imagine every time you have a bowel movement, it rips the scab right off, and you start bleeding all over. Now there is the inbetween time, when everything is healed, nothing hurts when you poop, then bang out of nowhere they come back, and you get the scabs ripped off again. They suck, the worst part is, they have to be really bad before you can have surgery, so I would hate to see what really bad feels like. I can only imagine the amount of blood you would have to be passing in order for the option of cutting and sewing up your anus sounds better. 

I have dealt with them for some time, after my 1st was born was when they got really bad. REALLY bad, but I think it was more that I didn't have a bowel movement for two weeks after and got really backed up, well it has to come out sometime, and when it did it left its mark. They flare up from time to time, I like to say that my bum is on fire, and those close to me knows what that means. Sure you can apply cream and ointments, but it still takes time.  If you break your leg you get to rest it, you break your jaw they wire it shut, but honey there is nothing they can do with a bleeding bumhole, you still have to poop.

What I want to know is who was the first person who decided that shark oil would help a bum out. Now, don't get me wrong, when your bum is on fire, there isn't much you wouldn't try to put the burning out.  But shark oil?? I guess if you thought about it enough you could see the person coming to the conclusion, well I guess it can't make it worse. But what did they try first, I hope it wasn't chile oil, I am sure it wasn't but, hey people did weird things back then, maybe they tried leaches first, could you imagine?  "Well they suck blood, you're bleeding, wanna try it?"  The thought of them makes my rectum pucker.

I have to say I am quite glad to live in an era that has the bum all figured out, they I can apply the right things and over a few days the pain slips away, I am so glad the cure isn't leaches.  Bring on the shark oil anytime.

Crabby Hubs Two!!

Well, I feel silly, I just found what I had started before the 2nd, turned the computer off. It isn't finished, I don't remember what else I wanted to go on about, but I guess this part is good enough to add. But at least I found how to retrieve saved material, yippie.  

He is still extra crabby.  And it is all my fault. I was in the dentist office and since it has been years since he has been to the dentist, I set up an appointment.  Well it was a good thing I did, he had three cavities that had to be filled. I guess because they were so deep and old fillings had to be removed it caused him extra pain.  It seems the pulpy insides were disturbed and now are throbbing from inflammation.  He found this out after his second return visit. He could be in pain for weeks or months even.  But because I made the appointment it is all my fault.

So any pain he has to endure is all my fault. So any question I ask, or anything that happens is my fault also. The right shows weren't recorded last night, my fault.  Soda was spilled on his pants, my fault. He doesn't want to eat dinner my fault. The dogs barking my fault. At this point I say give me a break.

oh man

Why do teenagers need to push limits, why do they like to see us squirm?  I did it, and I thought it was funny, I guess that is why they do it. My son kept asking me question about what he could and could not do, that would make me stop loving him. he was surprised by some of my answers. I think it is important to love your children, but they also need to know there are limits to that love. Like if my child purposely killed another person, cold blooded killed them, I would not be able to keep loving them. Sorry if that shocks or offends, but really, can I say go right ahead do as you wish, I will love you no matter what. What do you think that is telling a child??

Don't get me wrong, I love my son, there isn't much he could do to make me stop loving him but there are limits.  Like if he decided to start using drugs, became addicted and that took over his life. I would have to cut him off. He now knows this. He knows that if he started using we would stop loving him, that I think is good motivation for him to to start. When someone one uses drugs they know they are making a choice to end their lives, whether it is today or thirty days from now, an active drug user will die from that choice.

Now, if he wanted to change religions, or didn't want to go to college, or married someone I didn't like, I would still love him. If he decided to start a cult and shave his head, I would still love him.

Good Morning

I had a great morning, it has left me in a great mood. I had a wonderful time at church. It was nice being able to listen to the lesson, and take it to heart.  I was able to be prepared for the message I would hear, so it made a great impact on me.

Friday was also a good day. I took a long shower, shaved parts I haven't in weeks. I even took time to paint my toes nails and my finger nails. It took me pointing it out to hubs before he noticed.  But he thought they were "sexy". Which is nice to hear. It made me feel better. And it kept me busy for a bit.

I wish I could have this feeling more often, I feel light and free.  I don't feel weighed downed and burdened. Maybe it has something to do with saturday, I was able to get out of the house three times without the 2nd, it was nice.  Having to chase a baby, calm a baby, and entertain a baby, takes a lot out of you. So getting out, even if it was to have the tires checked, and run to two different groceries stores, it was still nice. I was able to take my time, and not rush.

I spent sometime with the 1st, he is a good kid, but sometimes he can be a bit of a pill.  After all, aren't all teenagers. He comes back with that snarky attitude and looks at you like your the crazy one.  He doesn't get how his tone and attitude effects those around him. He thinks he is being normal, and kind, yeah right. The best is when I use it back on him, he just loves that. He just responds with an eye roll that makes me wonder just how far back the human eye can go. But he is a big help, and could be a lot worse, so I am not at all complaining, so Mr. Universe you don't need to use this as a reason to show me just how lucky I have it. I know I am lucky, I know that he gets good grades, he goes to church, and helps with his younger brother.

But with the weekend over, I can look back and see that it was a good one all the way around. Lots of plus's, I hope that it leads to a great week, that I keep feeling lifted up.

Wishes

I almost wish I had some followers, only so they could give me some feedback. Maybe some ideas on what I should be doing.  How I can make things better.  I get really lonely, and start to think all sorts of really sad thoughts.  Mostly because today is a friday, I spend the day waiting.  Waiting for my hubs to come home.


Maybe I shouldn't just wait, maybe that is my problem.  It makes the day just drag on. He leaves early in the morning and gets home super late at night. I should maybe go to the library, or go grocery shopping. Or maybe I can turn it into a day of pampering, like painting my toe nails, do my hair all sexy like, or pluck my eyebrows. In other words my big hair beast that live above my eyes.  That is actually a good idea, let's see if I have the energy to do something different today. 

Crabby Hubs Two!!

Nevermind, I had it all written, then 2nd came along and turned the computer off so I guess I lost it all.  Now you will never know why my hubs is continuing to be crabby. Not that it matters. Man today just might end up blowing big chunks.

Yogurt, yogurt everywhere.

I hate taking antibiotics.  You have to eat yogurt, so things don't go down hill. If you don't know what I mean, then count yourself as part of the blessed.  These pills are making me feel sea sick, for a lack of a better word. I need a long nap, but until the 2nd needs a long nap, it isn't going to happen.

Speaking of the 2nd, he got yogurt for breakfast, being sick, I am being lazy and just fed him in his play saucer.  But this particular one bounces.  Which was cute when he first started doing it, but now it gets a bit old, and loud.  Not only does it annoy us humans, but it seems to get on the nerves of the dogs as well. For some reason they start to go after each other.  So when the bouncing started this morning, I took him out of the saucer.  Well he took off with the yogurt, and needless to say, I have yogurt everywhere.  Just goes to show that a touch of laziness ends up biting you in the end. Sure my lovely dogs will do the one thing I love about them and will lick up what they find, but I am doubting that they will lick off the TV screen.  So lesson learned for today, because it will soon be forgotten, suck it up and eat up to the table. Contain the mess, not spread it around.

So I guess my path to being a better person is going in reverse. Figures, with a load this big, you can slip down hill very easily.  But maybe once I feel better and I am off these meds I will be back on track. Sorry to let everyone and no one down at the same time.  I have to say this is liberating, I haven't even told hubs that I am writing this. Not that he would be bothered, well maybe depending on how much I vent, or share. I will try to be careful, but knowing me I am now, that doesn't carry much water. Maybe the new me, down the road will be much more discrete, hahahahaha, yeah right.

Crabby Hubs!

What the heck did I do to make my hubs so crabby. Holy caboly, just ask a simple question and he jumps all over me, and not in a good way. 

Maybe I need to feed him better. I guess cold cereal every night gets old. But that isn't my fault, I made dinner for me and the kids, it was good rice and sausage. But he won't eat anything that was made 30 minutes before he gets there.  Since he gets home after seven most nights, I end up making dinner for the rest us way earlier. So he misses out.  But believe it or not, he is happy about it. He doesn't tend to like anything I make, he has issues with all sorts of everyday meals.  Can't stand meat loaf, doesn't like creamy casseroles, forget anything with mushrooms. What does that leave???? Not much.

So it is cold cereal for him, I make sure I have the good stuff, fruit loops, lucky charms, coco puffs.  So really can he complain??? 

Maybe it would help if I jumped all over him in a good way more often. Does more sex make men happy?

Don't you just love being sick?

I knew last night that I was getting sick, you can just feel it. It is the type of sick where I have to see a doctor to get the right meds. It used to be that you could call the doctor and let them know what it was that you had, and they would call something in.  But not anymore, doesn't matter how often you get a particular illness, they still want to see you.  I know it is to protect them, but then it leaves a person suffering until they can get an appointment.  Oh well, I should find a positive spin, I guess I can say that I have had this enough to know that I am not going to die. That the pain will go away soon enough.

I did have a nice night out with the hubs last night, he took me out to dinner. It was nice to get out on an election night, being able to miss all the updates. We also took time to vote. (yes, I feel like that is bragging, but if you don't vote, don't complain).  I was hoping we could do a little more last night, but sex is the last thing you want to think about when you have an UTI. That's what got me into this mess to start with.

I have to say that just taking this step to improve my life is causing me to look at things more positively, and be more proactive.  It makes me feel lighter, and less weighed down. I feel like a better mom, and wife.  But don't get me wrong I know I have a long way to go. Trust me I am still a cranky bitch. But there is a bit less of an edge. Just a tiny bit less.

Man, I wish I could drop my 2nd off somewhere for a few hours, so I can cuddle up in bed, and just lay there, undisturbed for a while. Where's the day care for stay at home mom's, I guess that is part of the trade offs.  I get to see all the joyous moments, while dealing with all the bad. The first words, with all the teething, first steps, with all the dirty diapers. ALL THE DIRTY DIAPERS, so many of them.

I guess I better get going, I have a busy day ahead of me.   

lunch

Today for lunch I did something I have never done. At least never done with the 2nd.  We didn't have a kitchen table for the longest time, nor did we have a chair for the 2nd to sit in.  Well we picked up a table, and used his Bumbo, and we had lunch together up to the table. He was quite happy, and made a rather nice mess of himself. To add to it, we had the TV off. 

I know that sounds silly to some, but I hate quiet, I hate that there is no background noise.  Maybe it comes from being in a large family, if there is no noise, you are all alone and the house is empty. I feel alone enough that I don't need silence to keep me feeling alone. But it was nice having the tv off for a while. I was able to move around the kitchen taking care of small things while he ate.

He must have been happy. When we finished up, and I cleaned him off, I said it was nap time.  He turned towards me, gave me a kiss and went down easy peasy.  Don't you love it when the baby goes down easy for their nap.

I need to focus on what I want to fix first. I think I will try to be a better mom.  Everyone should benefit from it, much more than they would if I started with how I looked. I am sure my hubs would love it if I started grooming better, but the kids don't care.  Well the 1st might care, only cause he is a teenager, and  he gets embarrassed by me all the time.  But I think working on the mom side will also help my self-esteem, I need something to boost the way I feel about myself.  I struggle with all sorts of negative thoughts, thoughts that don't help anyone. So if I can look back on the day and see improvements, that should help remove some of those self loathing thoughts that occur.  You know those thoughts you get at the end of the day, while you toss and turn trying to sleep, the ones that just don't float away, the ones that sink to the bottom of your brain, and weigh you down. Maybe after the great lunch today, I will have a better nights sleep.

Maybe this time...

Well I got all mess cleaned up. I have to say this is a bit weird, writing to no one, yet everyone at the same time.

What I was trying to say before is that I am a work in progress, and I need to find my way.  I have lost faith, desire, and ambition.  I have lost my self confidence, I used to have so much, I was so outgoing, I was nice and friendly and willing.  Now I am a huge crab, and I tend to bite back, when I should just shut up and smile.

I don't know how to shut up and smile anymore.  Is that a bad thing, should more people just throw it all out there, or should we all try to get along?  I set up a facebook account and I have said way too much on there, and wish I hadn't, but other times I wish I had said more.

Like to my idiot cousins, I want to tell them to grow up, do for yourself and quit blaming the world for your life. But they could say that right back to me.  What would happen if I actually told them to grow up, nothing except they would say nasty things back to me, and tomorrow would end up the same. So that is why I started this blog, here I can say what I want, how I want, and maybe that will help me get back to where I want to be.

But maybe I don't want to go back, maybe I want to go forward...

My first post, is that what all of them are titled?

Why am I doing this, well it isn't to make friends, it isn't for attention, hopefully I can vent, yell scream, and do just about what I want, and no one will see it, and if someone does happen by, I guess that is fine because, they won't know who I am.  I want to b anonymous, and it turns out I started out by spelling anonymous wrong. 


Well that is why I am here isn't it, because my life is a mess. I am a stay at home mom, who is realizing her life is a mess. I am overweight, underactive, overfeed, and undergroomed.  I have two children with another on the way.  Crap, I gotta go, the 2nd just broke a bowl on the floor. It was a nice attempt don't you think?