I really am doing myself in, really.

I have had some really bad events happen in my life recently, which as increased my stress levels, which decreases my will power and invites in all sorts of negative thoughts, "give in", "eat it, you will love feeling stuffed", "no one can do this, give up", "you stink and have bad breath", "even if you lost weight, your hubs won't want you", "make yummy food, full of fat, you will love it", "cheese is your friend". 

No cheese isn't my friend, neither is bacon, nor chocolate. But they aren't the enemy either, what is the enemy is my own brain. My own self is stopping me, you can't move forward in life if you constantly fill your brain with negativity. But how do you stop all that negativity? How do you tell your self to shut the fuck up?

Sorry for the language, it is just where my head is.

I gained way too much weight this last weekend, and I am kicking myself, because these are pounds I have to lose all over again, which sucks, I could be under 200, I bet if I wasn't gaining and losing the same 5 pounds. Which makes me even more upset and stressed, which causes me to reach for the extra slice of pie. "Piiiiiiieeeeee....."

I wish I had a cheerleader, someone who could make me feel worth it. I guess in a way I do, but I don't always rely on them, I am not an overtly religious person, I mean I am, but I don't like preaching it, and showing it off. But maybe I should try to rely on the lord more. And not be ashamed of it. Not hide it. If my talking about my love for the lord turns people off so be it. There is plenty that others do that turn me off, i.e. twerking, not even sure if that is spelled right, but please girls knock that crap off, no one wants to have a butt waving in their face, except creepy gross men, which you really don't want in your life, unless you have daddy issues, and if that is the case, get some help and put the ass down.

I guess I need to knuckle down and start saying I am worth it, whether I believe it or not at this point, because a point will come where I do believe it. If I can believe all the negative things, then surly I can believe the positive as well. Wish me luck, or in other words pray for me, or just go twerk, you messed up little girl.

Up late last night.

I couldn't sleep last night, I thought about blogging something on my phone, but two thumbs go way too slow, for my brain, and my brain late at night isn't all that fast, so that should clue you in to how slow I can text.

I am really struggling with these last five pounds, I get close to 220, then I bounce back up to 222, it really stinks, I can't seem to get past this hump, during my reunion I let it all loose, didn't work out enough and got up to 232, so I guess it is amazing I am back down to 222, but still, if I had stayed good maybe I would be under that. Why is my body and mind doing this to me?

Why am I fighting this so hard, like today is friday, the store where I shop has the best fried fish on fridays, I really shouldn't eat it, but right now my mouth is drooling just thinking about it. I just want to buy a pound and eat it all, with tartar sauce dripping down my chin.

Why do I think like this, why aren't I geared towards hitting my goal, denying myself to reach it? Why am I fighting it, why do I go off the deep end on weekends? Why can't I find the will power to stay healthy. all week long, thursday night rolls around and I am making bread pudding with butter and syrup?

I know I have been like this with other weights in the past, 240 was awful, I mean awful, it was over christmas time, what a mess. So I know I can get past this one as well, I just wish it wasn't such a struggle.

I also went back and read some of my past post, I gotta say, I am pretty funny, I forgot some of what I wrote, but then again it was over two years ago. I think I have come much further, I have gained more insight, and I know I have so much further to go. But at least I going, I am trying to move forward, even if it is only as fast as honey on a cold winter day. It is still something, maybe one of these days my stove will get turned on and my honey will just flow, and run like the dickens.(I did have the word ooze in there, but that sounds pretty gross, not a thought I want before I go shopping, things oozing, good things don't ooze, wounds ooze, poop oozes, not yummy stuff like honey, or whip cream)

So stay with me, all you regulars, from far off places like France and Ireland, Russia and Thailand, unless you just read me to make fun of fat lazy Americans, if that is the case, then screw you buddy, and go watch Jersey Shore and feel superior over those drunks, and leave this stay at home mom alone. Everyone else, enjoy the ride and have a nice day.

Watch out fried fish here I come.

Super yummy dipping sauce!

I whipped up this sauce for lunch today, I wanted something different from ranch or bar b que sauce. It is equal parts nonfat plain Greek yogurt, fat free zesty Italian dressing and about a teaspoon of mustard. 
It was super yummy with panko breaded chicken strips.
I left out sweetern but honey or sugar would be a nice touch.
It would taste fanatic on fish or fries.
If it is too runny for you add more Greek yogurt.

You can also spice it up with pepper flakes, or hot sauce.
Enjoy!

Yeah it been a while, sorry.

My last post I said I would post once I lost those dang 5 pounds, well it still hasn't happened, and I can't avoid it, I got to face the truth head on. So here is a new post, at the same weight, and it is about marriage, enjoy!

One thing I have learned while being married is that while it is about getting to know someone you love, it is also about getting to know yourself, more than you ever thought possible.

Because whether you like it or not, your spouse will pick up on your habits, good and bad ones. And your spouse will have a very canny way of showing you your true self, how much of a slob you are, how well you listen, or what is truly important to you.

So before you get married realize a good strong marriage has to survive two people getting to know themselves and liking who they have become, and still loving each other through it all. I have learned and accepted many things about myself, and I know I have a many more to learn, and so does my spouse.

I just don't think people really appreciate this notion before marriage, nor understand it. And once you begin to realize it, you make a choice to keep at it, and become more self aware, or you throw in the towel and deem it too hard, or not worth while, or you really learn your true nature and your spouses true nature and decide you no longer want to be a couple.

Then you have to learn a whole new lesson about grief and loss.

Just a few thoughts I have had this weekend, thanks for reading.