Damn it

Really, I was on a roll, thought I was getting somewhere, with a new entry, but nope, I was typing something that just disappeared to who the hell knows where. 

I am just darn tired of standing on the edge of this enormous cliff thinking I gotta just take a leap of faith.  But you know what, that is all bull crap. Because who says the only way down is to jump? 

Maybe there are some stairs, or even better, an elevator with some sweet instrumental 90's grunge music playing?

Who the hell tells people that in order to succeed you have to take a leap of faith and jump.  That is sadistic, really, "hey want to take a chance on yourself,  jump off this cliff and hope something flies out of the sky and catches you or else you are mince meat."

Who came up with that?  Was it from Satan in the Bible tempting Jesus to jump?  I wouldn't put it past that bastard.
And just for that reason we need to stop using that (oh dang it, what is the right word, analogy, symbol, metaphor?) Well whatever it is, you know what I mean. 

Damn it, why can't we say, "look, try it,  see what happens, we are here to support you, you won't fall"? No we all have to be selfish aholes, "jump and see what happens", while we sit back eating pop corn waiting for the show, oh how we love to see people fail in this world.  We love to see people get knocked down and be beat to a pulp before we are willing to embrace them and cheer them as they climb back up that damn lonely cliff. 

Like what the hell, we can't just be there and be happy for them just to try something new and different?

But don't take any of this too serious,  I am just a sad, lonely, 40 year old lady, leaning over the edge of this same damn cliff for decades now, watching the bottom get further and further away, as life hands me more responsibilities, kids, hubs, house, bills, pets, ...on and on. Waiting for the leap I take, to be all that I have inside of me to be.

Well screw it I say, where the hell is that elevator anyway?

What are your priorities?

Over in Egypt, Christians are being beheaded, while in America Christians are being condemn for which movies they choose to watch, time get our priorities in order Americans, while we bicker here, a greater evil is taking over over the world, true hate in the name of religion. How much longer are we going to let petty differences distract us from the real issues?

I don't care what name is on the Church you attend, I don't care how many Gods you may or may not worship, but I do care about other humans and their right to worship freely. Or not to worship as they wish, freely.

But killing others because a God told you to is not acceptable.

Stop the hate, spread some love. Pray, wish, hope, work, for greater understanding and acceptance.

Hate is hate regardless of the reasons or direction it is sent.

Faith can work miracles and knows no limits or conditions to whom you do or do not pray to.

Let us come together as humans to protect all other humans. If we do not we are no better than those doing the killing.

"...love one another, as I have loved you." John 15:12

"...Be not afraid, only believe."
Mark 5:36

50 Shades of Grey, my thoughts, it isn't sex, but connections women want.

Ok so here's the deal, and I know this is going to offend some of you, but that is alright, because offense can always be easily found.

Here I go, even though I am a very opened and honest person, this isn't something I do with ease, because really, it is opening me up for all sorts of judgement, from all sorts of people.

Do you realize what you are saying when you call something "trash, smut, sleazy, and nasty?" You are also implying that those who have taken part of those experiences are "trash, smut, sleazy and nasty,"

I am not in your bedroom, and you are not in mine, which I am sure we are all glad for, but for some reason it is perfectly fine to put on blast your feelings about what may be going on in others relationships. Yes certain movies and books may not be your cup of tea,but we aren't all the same, how boring would that be? I would not judge you for what you enjoy, but it is ok for you to judge others?

Ok, I will stop beating around the bush and I will just come out and say it, I am talking about 50 Shades of Grey, no I am not endorsing it, I am not going to tell you to read it, but I am going to ask that you take a step back, think a moment.
The majority of the readers are mothers over the age of 30.
Mothers over the age of 30.

Instead of beating these women up, making them feel as if they need to hide and be ashamed, why don't we maybe think about why this book resonates with so many. I mean come on, 100 million copies have been sold, and that isn't counting ones borrowed from friends and libraries and read as ebooks.

So please don't act like you don't know anyone who might have read these books. Don't act like you are better than because your sin is different. Do not call these wifes, mothers, friends, neighbors, "trashy, smutty, sleazy and nasty."

Instead take a moment to think about what these ladies might be missing in their lives.

Please don't say, oh they are all closet gold diggers, or they are just dirty old women, wanting some unrealistic fantasy, that they are wanting something that can't be reached and that isn't healthy.

Well to me, maybe they are wanting a connection, maybe they want someone to notice them, to want and desire them? Maybe they feel lost and alone and just wish to feel connected to someone who loves them.

Maybe they need a change in their lives.

No, these aren't diluted females, waiting for their own Christian, these are moms, and I have to assume many of them are married moms. They don't expect handsome men to stop them on the street and offer them helicopter rides.

But they would love a man to kiss them passionately in an elevator, or maybe in the kitchen and who can shame a woman for wanting that?

They want more of a connection, more love.

So when you say, "oh but if this book replaced the sex scenes with diarrhea episodes would you still read it", that is just silly. There is more to these books than sex. Just like if you judge this book, you are judging more than just the author.

So I am asking you to stop the judging and maybe think of ways to help these women connect with their spouses and partners.

I ran across this TEDxCu talk, (after watching one on domestic abuse a cousin posted), and while I watched it, I realized this is what we should be promoting, healthy relationships, rather than shaming others. There is a reason there is a market for these books, why it hits a nerve with so many. Not because of just the sex, (before you attack me for being naive, yes I know some just wanted the sex aspect, but that isn't the only attraction to these stories and even if they just wanted to read the sexy bits, is it your place to judge others?)

So please take the time to watch this video and think about the couples in your life, and how maybe more attention to the loss of sexual connection in relationship would make the world better, instead of tossing hate and judgement around.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ep2MAx95m20

Suicide, and what is left behind.

I couldn't sleep, and instead of tossing and turning and keeping my husband up, I figured I needed to get up and let all of these thoughts out of my head.

I don't want anyone to get the wrong picture here, yes I knew Justin, yes he made me laugh and smile, and yes he had a way to make you want to wipe that smirk right off of his face, but my loss isn't the same as my husbands, nor is it the same as his children's, or his families, I can't tell you what they feel, but I know how I feel, and I know the thoughts his passing has brought up in me. My intent is not to offend, but to help others.

First off, What the Hell, Really, you self centered asshole, why the eff would you do this to your loved ones? What the hell, I mean really, what a self centered asshole, jerk thing to do, you complete douch, don't you know you have now messed up your kids for life, for forever? What about your parents, what the hell?? Really, man??  Your siblings, it wasn't enough for your family to go through this once, but twice now? Really?? What about your friends, the ones that had your back, who loved you like a brother, who stood by your side, regardless, even after you pushed and pushed and pushed them away.

I mean really, if your weren't dead I would kick your ass.

Ok, so that seems bad, hurtful and cold, but it is just one set of thoughts that are running through my head since you decided you couldn't take no more.

But here are some others;

What more could have been done, what did you need to get out of all that darkness? What more should have been done? Did you feel loved enough? Did you need more tough love? Did something happen to you that you couldn't share, did someone damage you? Who hurt you, and left you in this state? Was it us? Was it someone who loved you? Did you need more? Did you take too much? Did we give you too much? Could you have learned? Could you have changed? What needed to be done? Did we give up on you too soon?

You are going to be missed, more than you can ever imagine, and by more than you realize, your last choice is one that will leave ripples through out time.

I wish there was a magic word that would have pulled you out of this, I wish there was a way to bring you back, to get you to see all the love the world had for you. That you could realize that wasn't your only choice, that it didn't need to end this way, that you were better than this, that so many really wanted you to shine.

You have left behind love ones that are broken, spent and left incomplete.  You have left a hole that no one else will ever be able to fill. You left, left us, left Jaime to pick up the pieces, left your children to face this world with out one more fighting in their corner, you left your parents, even after the pain you saw them go through before, losing another child, You left your siblings and friends, you left. Just left, you made your choice and found it a fitting answer, for everyone left behind to question. 

While you think you got the last word you didn't. You may have ended it on your terms,  we get the finally say. We get to decide how we will remember you. How you will be held in our hearts.

The pain is fresh, the hurt and betrayal is new, shock is still holding on tight, but this won't last, the pain will get softer around the edges, the betrayal will fade, and the shock will lift as the reality of it will settle in, as we look around and realize that the world hasn't stopped moving, that time still moves on, and that is when we will remember you, the one that was the real you, the one you didn't think we saw anymore, your smile, your twisted sense of humor, your smarts, and talents, your love and friendship.

That my friend is the last word we will have, the peace we will feel knowing you are no longer struggling, that you know just how much you are truly loved and missed. We will carry a piece of you with us. Not that it is close to really having you here, but it is all we are left with, so it is all we can carry with us.  Peace for you and for your loved ones.

Peace to you Justin.