My husband!!!

I wanted to post something about my husband, and I don't think he will believe any of it, nor do I think he will read this one, after reading all the other things I have posted about him. But let's give it a try.

I love my husband, I would not want to be married to anyone else but him. I know he loves me. How do I know this, because he works hard all week long, so I can be a stay at home mom. He works two jobs, over 60 hours a week. He gets up early and comes home late. He wears out everyday, to show the boys and me that he loves us.

Not only does he work hard, he is also very responsible with the money he earns. My father worked hard, but when it came to money, that is a whole other issue. But my husband has a great head for money and math and saving. I don't know where I would be financially if it wasn't for him. Maybe living out of my 18 year old truck, with all my fabulous shoes and purses. But I know for a fact I wouldn't have a house, nor a nice car, and most of my student loans would not be paid off. He would be a very rich man if he hadn't married me, but he did, sucker!!!

He knew how much debt I had, but he still loved me enough to take it all on. He also knew I had a child, which he took on with open arms. Now granted they don't always see eye to eye, but he loves him, and you can tell. He wants the best for him and the other two younger children. He likes to challenge him, and show him just what he can do when he applies himself. He has brought rules into a situation where there weren't many.  I wasn't raised with a lot of discipline, or structure. My mom was gone a lot, due to being manic, depressive in other words bipolar,  my father was work 60 to 80 hours a week on average, some weeks over 100.  That happens when you work on a farm and need to get the hay in. So with no parents, and not much rules, I tend to be a bit lacked in my parenting. Don't get me wrong, with my first son, he didn't really need any, he was and is a good kid.  But what I missed growing up was some one caring about my grades, someone who went to my sporting events, someone who challenged me and let me know that I could go to college, that I was smart enough and able enough. (actually after going to three different schools, I can say just about anyone with a pulse can make it to college) But I wasn't shown this nor encouraged to do this. This is something that I am doing with my children, and my husband has helped out with this is a great way.

My husband also has a great belief and strength when it comes to his religious beliefs, and that helps our family out as well. When I want to throw in the towel he is a great example of faith, and it helps to keep me going. He loves the lord.

He is also a very neat person, this has encouraged me to be better at housekeeping, I understand how much more peaceful and enjoyable a clean house can be. He will help around the house, doing laundry, washing dishes, taking care of the yard. Putting clothes away, cleaning the toilet a task I abhor, do to growing up with 6 brothers. He also appreciates the hard work I put into cleaning and taking care of the home.

He is also a great sounding board, he will listen to my issues and problems, he will try and help me out and build me up.

He also has a very funny sense of humor, that is one thing that I loved about him when we were dating, he thought I was very funny. But in all honesty, he also is very funny as well, he knows just what to do to make me laugh. Which is important in a marriage.

We are just like every other couple out there, we have our issues, and we will fight and scream and yell, but some how, some way we find a way to get along. We love each other and want to be together forever. I know I would not be the person I am today without him, now would I have the life I have if he wasn't in it. He loves my children and myself in many ways, and never fails to show us.

Thanks Babe, I love you!!!!

I really hate my body issues.

I hate that I don't feel comfortable in a fast food restaurant, what I hate even more is that my husband doesn't seem to understand this. I have been this way for years and he still doesn't seem to get it or understand it, and I am not sure he ever will. He said, "well you can eat at other sit down places, so it doesn't make sense to me." So now I feel to fat to eat at any restaurant. I can bet you money that he doesn't get that either and doesn't really care. Hey, he will get to save money by not having to take me out anymore. He upset me, and he knows it, and do you think he is going to apologize, well don't hold your breath, cause it ain't gonna happen. To him this is all my own fault, because I am being hormonal or some sort of nonsense. I would always prefer to just go through the drive thru, than park and go inside, especially with two little kids in tow. By the time we get them out of the car and into the restaurant, we could have our food and be on our way.

I am still hungry, I didn't want to get something to eat for dinner and feel like a zoo animal on display for everyone driving by to see, so I just got something small, and it wasn't enough. I have felt like crap all day, I have just wanted to eat something to feel me up, to feel full and complete. But that wasn't going to happen. Why doesn't he get me, even before we got to the place I asked, "we are just going to go through the drive thru right/", ummm, no. It wasn't until we had the babies out of the car that he said he was willing to use the drive thru, well that is a bit late. Even after we ordered the food he wanted us to take it to go, after he told them we were staying. I just want him to love me, and hold me, and let me know that it is ok.

When we were dating I was a lot skinnier and he told me he would never date someone who weighs over 250 lbs, because they are gross. That he isn't attracted to women that big. Well that is where I am at now, so how am I supposed to believe it when he tells me he loves me, that he finds me attractive? I don't believe it, I don't believe most of what comes out of this mouth when it comes to how I look. Maybe that is one of the reasons I am this fat still. Maybe I want to feel loved by him no matter what, but at this point, that isn't going to happen.

That is one reason I need to change the tape playing in my head, I need to say screw him, and just get skinny for myself. Maybe one day I will have the power to do just that. 

This week has been a complete downhill slide for me, I was on a path that was headed in the right direction, but all week long it has been one big pity party for me. I am sure some of this is due to my tubal ligation, to me nursing, and being stuck in the house all day long. But I am also sure that some of it is just because I am feeling depressed and would be feeling depressed regardless of my situation. Being skinny won't make me happy, having money won't make me happy, having more friends won't do it either. Just me can do that, and as far as this week goes, it is a complete bust. Sorry for being such a downer.  But I want to feel better, I want to do better. I didn't get like this overnight, or even in a year, so I know I can't change overnight, or even in a few months. All I can do is take one day at a time, and keep going on this journey I am on.

Failure makes me eat.

I was seating here watching the Project Runway lead up show and I kept going in the kitchen to get something to eat. First it was cereal, than chips, then I was going to warm up left overs, after I dived into some cheese, that is when I realized I was emotionally eating. I wasn't hungry, I was just trying to stuff myself so I would feel something else besides failure.

I have been around sewing machine my whole life, I remember just being a very little girl, four years old, with my mothers help sewing  pajamas for my doll that would match the one she was making for a not yet arrived little brother. I can picture the fabric, a soft flannel, with a plant motif on it, in green and beige's. Since then, I would sew all sorts of things, creations that were all my own, without a pattern most of the time because we couldn't afford them. I even remember taking a skirt my mother had for years and trying to turn it into shorts, which I found out, you can't do. I never confessed to it, and I don't know if she ever knew. We were poor and she was manic, so I had to take things into my own hands. I even went to 4-H, and learned more sewing techniques, but I didn't ever take home ec, because I could already cook and sew, and even if it would have been an easy A, I wasn't one that wanted to be bored out of my gored at school. When I made a skirt that was a bit on the edge for my small town, I loved getting complements on it. But it was just a dream I had to become a actual designer,  and before I knew it I was married with a baby.  We were also poor, so to focus on anything other than making ends meet was just crazy. 

After I was divorced and ended up at college, I started to think about what I truly wanted to do with my life, that is when I had an epiphany, I wanted to design furniture not clothes.  I wanted to become a fabric designer really. So that is what I focused on,  interior textiles. But remember that child I had, he was missing his father, so I transferred colleges in a different state, and ended up at one that was getting rid of their apparel and design department, so I was stuck with awful math classes. Again being poor, and having a child I was sharing with his father meant; I needed to make choices to survive, not ones that would challenge me, or let me live my dream.  I took an entry job at a craft store, which was a nightmare, I was selling all the things I wanted to be buying, to redo my home and to sew my dream outfits. After eight months I quit.  Since I was soon to remarry I needed a new job fast, I ended up working for an insurance company. No chance of meeting my dreams there, but it did pay really well. Well enough I stayed for almost five years. Until our second child was born.

Now that I have been a stay at home mom, my dreams are even more unattainable. I loved watching shows like America next top model, for the clothes and designers, not the drama, also Project Runway of course, and HGTV's next design star, but now I am finding that I can't do it, I don't want to do it anymore. Watching these shows, with all the idiots that make it on there, makes me really sad. Makes me realize that I have let life pass me by, and I can't seem to get back on that train.

So that is why I was running to the kitchen to eat, because I wanted to stuff all those raw emotions watching this show was bringing up. "you suck, you are a failure, you won't even do anything in life". So I turned off the show, shut the fridge and hopped on here, thinking I could write about my frustrations rather than eat them. But I can't also avoid my dreams. I need to turn them into goals and quit blaming others when I can't complete them. I need to accomplish projects around the house and reset the soundtrack in my head. I need to remember that most of the people chasing their dreams on tv aren't also raising two little boys and a teenager. I am also not completely over the hill. I can still make time, and get things going. I have five years before the youngest will be in school, that is plenty of time to get things in order, and make some goals come true. Even as I type this I feel better, not good enough to watch Project Runway just yet, but good enough to go snuggle with my baby and to keep the fridge closed for a while.

Task completed.

Well I was mostly right, which I am most of the time. Just don't ask my husband that question. We got the new door up without drawing any blood, but it did take three trips to home depot to get it done. The task took a lot longer than I think we planned on. I also have to admit, I was the first one to drop a F-bomb. But it got things moving a lot faster. Sometimes my hubs likes to over-think things, and dropping some F bombs here and there tends to speed things up. Yes, we did fight some, but made up before we went to bed.  At least I think we did.

We were also able to get a few more things done in the yard today, without too much hassle. But I stayed out of it and let my teenager help my husband. It went so smoothly because he was greatly motivated, the teenager that is, the ability to get to his fathers house faster always seems to speed him up, and makes him a lot happier, and a whole lot less cranky. So we use it every now and then. No we do not use spending time his father as a weapon, but as a tool. He loves being at his fathers, and actually spends more time there than here, and on the days he is to go back over, he likes to move that along sooner than later.

Today, I wanted to get the kitchen ready to paint, if you have ever painted you know darn well that getting things prepped takes a whole heck of a lot more time that the actual painting, and it is also a total pain. Washing down the walls, taping everything off, getting the supplies and paint picked out. This particular color has taken years. When we first moved in we painted just a few rooms with the promise of getting everything else done in due time. I had planned on painting the kitchen yellow, had it all picked out, but it was vetoed. So I put the samples away and left them for another day. about two years later I settled on maybe either green or purple. Green has won out, I want to add touched of copper to the room, I would love to add a back splash, but that is a pipe dream at this point. So is painting really, but you can't get mad at a woman for not getting her projects done, and at the same time, not let her do them. Right?

So I have the color picked finally, after another two years. So if I am lucky and play my cards right, we just might have a freshly painted kitchen before the weekend is out. But than again, it might just take another fours years.

I have all my life loved doing various things, one of them happens to be redecorating, not just a house, but anything really. I will be just about anywhere and I think about how I would redo the place, what colors, textures and art work I would add. I have even gone to school for this, but I have lost my sense of self too much to do anything more than day dream about it.  Maybe, along with the changes I am making to my eating, I can make changes to my determination and my mind set and just do it, and push myself.  Maybe I can get my house in order and get my mind in order. But it is one step at a time, and I have been pushed in all sorts of directions, and been pulled in many others.  I have said it before and will say it many more times, it is a journey and you can't get there in one day, especially if you don't have a map.

Finishing projects around the house, with the hubs.

This is a bad idea, a really bad idea. I am not sure we know what we are doing, and I am pretty sure we will end up in a fight. We have very different ways at looking at things, and understanding how things work. We also have different skill sets. Such as, I am able to stay calm and rational, while he is one that is quick to freak out. I maybe a little wrong about that part, but who is writing this blog anyway?  I am also very creative at making up words for what things are called, is it my fault my hubs does not have very good translating skills to follow what I am saying?  Maybe I need to stop blogging and start praying that everything will go the right way.

We were able to get a screen door for pretty cheap, but it was second hand, so we have to figure out how to install it all on our own. We have been watching videos on you tube, and lets just say some of those experts are clearly idiots, trying to be the next Bob Villa, but are failing in a spectacular way. So they aren't much help.

I am sure we can find an "expert" at the big box stores, but that is one thing I am scared of really, they are just as clueless most days. But they act like that vest they wear comes with some sort of special powers, the ability to become invisible, as well as be a master carpenter/painter/gardener/plumber/etc. So they will either run and hide from you, or they will go on and on about things they don't get, or my personal favorite, talk down to you while telling you that you can't possible do it the way you want to, and that you will be lucky to make it out of the house alive after you are done.

If we weren't asking for punishment enough, we are going to have the teenager help us. This should be an added joy.  I have a guess that by the end of the day, two of us won't be talking, someone will be bandaged in some way, and we will have made three trips to the home repair supply store. But I know we will have a new screen door in place, finally after having it lean up against the side of the house for months now. And we will resume talking to each other once we have settled down and realize that the task is completed and no one needed to be hospitalized.

Company over

So I was looking forward to my brother and sister in law coming over. I spent hours cleaning and stressing about what to make for dinner, what snacks to have on hand, getting the shopping done, making the bed, having everything just right. They came and spent the night, and we had a really great time.  But I realized just how quickly I fall back on my bad habits when it comes to food.

Trying to be the perfect hostess, I made a point of buying food I hadn't in about a month. I didn't think it would be such a big deal, but it turns out it was. I got Doritos, which I love and ended up eating most of the bag. I couldn't stop thinking about them, as along as they were in the house. I wanted to eat them non stop. I also got the ingredients to make Muddy buddy's, on the back of the Chex box was a recipe for lemon buddys, and I am a total sucker for lemon anything, so I got what I needed to make those also. Well guess who ended up snack non stop for two days??  Me, and it sucked, my body felt different, I was more sluggish, feeling all bloated and all I could think about was food. I hadn't realized how much food had become a drug to me. After four weeks I was doing so much better, craving sweets less, eating healthier things, and eating way less throughout the day.

But after this weekend I am totally back to where I was before. I can't stop thinking about food again. I keep going to the kitchen looking for something to eat. I want something salty and crunchy, something sweet and yummy.  So it again feels like I am going cold turkey. Speaking of which, wish I had some cold turkey, to make a nice big salad, but I wasted my food budget getting crap for the weekend. I have learned my lesson, I don't care who is coming over, next time I am sticking to my guns. If it isn't something I would normally buy, I am not going to bring it into my home. I know my limits, I know what I can handle, and Doritos is not it. I just hope I am able to get back to where I was before friday night and soon. I can't keep looking for something we don't have, I can't be held hostage by food any longer. 

Long night.

I was able to sleep in today, that was nice. But having a ton of things to do today isn't nice. Shower, dress, feed the babies, clean, shop, laundry, cook, clean some more, take care of the babies. ARRGGGG.....let me go back to bed. Maybe the clean house fairies will show up.

I would blog more, but my life is too boring I guess.

Husband experiment.

So far so good. I was nice and kind, I was extra touchy feely. I spoke with soft words and offered help. I didn't feel I was putting myself out, just reacting to him in a different way. It seemed to help, we both went to bed happy, no regular monday night fighting, which was a nice change. Now lets just hope it can continue.

Writing this blog.

I love being able to write as I please, saying anything I want, but it is also hard knowing not a single person is really reading it. It sort of effects my opinion of my life. But maybe it is just my writing, maybe I need to be funnier, or more honest, or maybe that is the problem, maybe I am too honest and maybe I just can't be funnier. I would love to have a following, sure that is a bit ummm, narcissistic, but isn't all blogging that way. I mean why put your stuff out there, if you don't think others would enjoy it.

I also haven't told anyone about it, I guess I am too scared, I don't want to put myself out there and have people I know reject me. It is much easier to have the whole world reject me, than have people I know think I am loud, brash and silly. I am sure they know those things about me already, but it really isn't the same. I am putting myself out there saying things I don't tell just anyone, and instead of just telling my close love ones, I am telling everyone.

I am letting everyone know that I am fat, lazy and unmotivated, that I wish I was a better person, that I can be jealous and bitter and that I know all of this about myself.  I guess the only way I can vindicate myself is by becoming a better person, the one I long to be. I have turned to cooking, because that is easy enough, I can totally control it, and I get to do most of it in secret. It isn't like my two youngest boys are going to tell anyone. I have seen myself grow and improve just in the few short weeks I have been working on cooking. If I am going to hang so much of my self esteem on how my food turns out, why can't I make it better, by expanding my abilities.

I like to cook, I love to eat, I want to share this with others. But I am so much more than just a cook. I am a mother, wife and friend. I can create more than just food, I can create clothes, art and redo furniture. I am funny, and witty, I am smart, probably smarter than I give myself credit for. I need to remember these things. Maybe that is part why I am blogging, as a journal to look back on. Improving myself one step at a time.

So if I pop on here and go off on things that are different than you expect so be it. It isn't like anyone has ever read more than one thing that I have posted. I could write about anything on here and not get any action, and that is really ok, because like the rest of America I do this for myself, because I think I am so awesome, who wouldn't want to know more about me?

An idea!

I think I have stumbled upon and  idea that will make me happier, by making my hubby happier. But I don't want to spill the beans on what it is, just in case he is the one reader I have on here. But I report on how it goes it goes daily for a week and we will find out if it works and if it worth the effort. I am hoping it won't be too much work really, just more of how to look at my relationship with my husband.  I know I can't change him, and I know he knows he can't change me, but that doesn't mean change can't happen with the marriage. We can both grow and learn and evolve into something different together.

I need to learn to be less critical and more supportive. Which isn't always easy. But I am learning, that when I am soft and loving with my boys, they lesson better. So maybe that will work with my hubby.  I know if I cheer him on, he will step up to the challenge, like my children do. So we shall see.
 
I hope I am able to pull this off, that I am able to change and make things better. Because at this point this is really about me, and not about anyone else. But if it creates a better feeling in the home so be it.

Post shopping peace.

Nothing like grocery shopping to wear out two little boys. I really enjoyed this trip, the boys got along, nobody started screaming, and I was able to get everything on the list. Even with a few extra's we still came in the lowest I have spent in weeks.  Yippie, the hubs will be happy. Sure I still need to pick up a few things at Costco, but that is a whole other story. We don't need to worry about that right now.

I do feel bad though, I thought my toddler had enough to eat for lunch, until we get into the store and he starts screaming for chips, like he hasn't eaten in days. Luckily enough, I was in the produce section and was able to give him an apple from a bag of mini Gala's. He was content the rest of the trip. He also ate the whole thing, I can't believe how much he polished off. Good for him, peel and all.

If you have lived in a large city your whole life, like New York, and have never had the joy of driving to a super sized grocery store, I feel sorry for you. We take it for grated, but they have everything right there. They also stock so much new and different stuff.  Plus you get all sorts of variety. You can get all your shopping done in a matter of minutes really.

Plus you also get to miss the chance to park next to strangers that park too close to your car, or maybe that you keep pumping into in the store, only to have them park right next to you and you leave at the same time, and then you get to inadvertently cut them off in the parking lot. And then you worry about them following you home and stalking you. Watching you through your bedroom windows waiting to ponce, all because you were an ass in the grocery store. Not that I have ever heard of that happening.  Or maybe have someone leave a empty cart right behind your car, when the cart rail is two stalls down. Or better yet, leave a dent in your car. That is always fun.

I also got everything put away. Now if I can just find the energy to clean the kitchen and put the folded laundry away that has been sitting out for days. While my two little sleeping angels rest, before they wake up as screaming terrors.

I really wished my scale worked, we got it super cheap, and one day you weigh 275, the next 230, then back to 260, never the same. I have a feeling I have lost some weight, mind you not a whole lot, but some, and if it is just from getting better foods and no junk, then I will be extra happy. Because if I can get back on track working out, then maybe the weight will fly off, and I will be one hot sexy Mamma again, man it has been years.

Shopping list

I am happy, I am making my shopping list for the week. I am going to be brave, or maybe crazy, and go shopping with just the little boys and I.  I have been trying very hard to buy healthier options and stay away from junk food. The only bad food we are getting these day is ice cream and corn chips. Which I don't eat everyday.  We would go out for ice cream when we were dating, so it has more of an emotional attachment to us than other foods, such as cakes or pie. The chips are one of the vice's my husband has, he has been pretty supportive of me buying healthy and not a bunch of junk.  So I can't complain about getting a bag of chips once in a while.

They say the best food for you is in the outside aisles, like the produce, dairy, meat and grains. So I am proud to say that in fact that is where I do most of my shopping. I love to get produce, I try for what is is season. Also I try for the more colorful options, like red or black grapes verses the the green. Salad greens instead of iceberg. I look at the sugar amount on the yogurt, there are some really yummy tasting ones out there, but that is because they have a really high sugar count, like 27 g's. You should aim for 12g's or lower.

But another thing I love doing is finding new things to try, like different sauces and curries, or maybe different chilies or noodles. You can open up a whole new world for your family. Like the Coconut basil curry my family likes. Never would I have thought my husband would eat it, but he likes it, and even request it. I also found different rice I like, like Jasmine, and found the best way to make rice on the stove. Heat it up with a little oil first, once you can smell the rice, you then add the water, let it come to boil, then cover and reduce the heat so it simmers for 20 minutes. Remove from the heat and let it sit covered for ten minutes, then fluff with a fork and enjoy. It always come out soft and fluffy. 

I am lucky because the store I shop at sells things in bulk, so I can try little bits before I make a bigger commitment to something I might not like. I am also able to get raw nuts at a descent price. I love sliced almonds in all sorts of things, in my cereal, on my salads, mixed in plain rice with butter. It is an easy way to add nuts and fiber to your diet.

So here is to hoping that my shopping goes off without a hitch, that the babies cooperate and that I remember everything on my list. 

The wrong answer.

I was on the phone with my hubs last night, talking about what to do about dinner. He gets home really late, so it isn't very often that I will make dinner with him in mind. Once in awhile, mostly because he won't eat what I make, and if it is something that he wants like tacos, he will want to make them. So when I asked about maybe me making spaghetti last night, he didn't respond the way I would have liked. I told him I had some fresh basil I wanted to use up so I wanted to make dinner. I asked if he wanted just plain meat, or if I could make meatballs. I knew the answer before I asked, I in my mind I was hoping for something different.  I guess I wanted a major change in his personality and taste in food and have him say, "meatballs would be awesome." But that didn't happen, he said just plain meat, and it was in a tone like he was tired of all this weirdo cooking I have been doing lately, although it has been making me much more happy lately.  So the perk I was getting at the thought of making something new and different went right out the window and I began to simmer. I was getting really hot about it and said screw it. I didn't make dinner for us, I made a salad for me.

I couldn't ever imagine getting married to someone who just doesn't care about food, and I don't mean someone who will eat anything in front of them, that would be nice some days. Instead I have someone who doesn't get any sort of joy from food, or from cooking, or eating.  He doesn't like trying new things, and in fact would prefer it if I didn't cook most days, because of the mess.

But that flies in the face of my new cooking plan, my new way of looking at food and eating it. I want to conquer the way food has control of me. I want it to work in my favor. I need quick healthy foods I can reach for, and since I am no longer buying junk food, I need to have leftovers and quick fix snacks at my disposal. I can't go and open a box of crackers or eat a handful of chips. No longer is that sanity saving chocolate sitting in the fridge. So I need creative, fun and different options, food bores me quickly. I can't eat soup everyday, I don't want a sandwich everyday day.  I have been lucky enough to be able to eat salads several times a week, but only because I throw so many toppings on it, that it is never the same salad day to day. But for dinner I have been wanting to stretch my imagination.

So here I was asking if I should make spaghetti, something easy and very normal, and that most any cook can turn out easily. But he response burst my bubble. Because I know he would find fault with how I made it. All my effort would be for not. So why should I set myself up for failure? Why waste time making something so simple, to have it be criticized. I am sure you are thinking, well why don't you just tell him how you feel, let him know it hurt your feelings. Well I have, many times, and still nothing has changed, and really it shouldn't. I don't want him to change me, so I can't expect to change him. So until it truly sinks in, and until he changes on his own, I will need to avoid this landmine, I just need to cook for myself and my kids. I need to find joy, even in cooking mundane, boring foods. Because if I want to get past the emotions I have with food I have to do it on all levels, even the lowest level. I need to learn that my self esteem is not tied to food.

Why it is, I have no idea, maybe because we were super poor growing up, maybe it was because I could cook anything growing up and my family was grateful. Maybe it has to do with my relationship with my mom, but that is a whole other can of worms I don't want to open right now.  Maybe because I know it is a talent that I have. If that is the case, if it is a true talent I have, I need to foster and help it grow. So that is why I want to take it to another level.

Sorry if you are tired of reading about my hubs, and if I sound down today. In truth I have been down all week, just not in the place to care. I am not sure why, I think everyone has a week like this. Hopefully, I can bounce back by the weekend.

Making Spaetzle, wasn't as fun as saying it.

So for some cray reason I wanted to try to make spaetzle, so after waiting and thinking about it for a few days I went ahead and did it. I used a recipe I found online. I have never eaten it before, and obviously never made it before, so I had no idea what it would taste like, or what it should even look like really.

The recipe called for a ton of nutmeg, and that made me really leery, I grew up in a house that didn't use nutmeg even if we had it. It is a strong taste I am still trying to get used to, in small bits added to things like pan cakes and desserts. So I didn't add the whole 1/4 teaspoon it called for, but the amount I did use was too much. But other than that, I don't think I would have changed anything about the recipe itself.

Making it was an experience, I have a few tools in the kitchen, but I don't have everything, and there is no way I could justify buying a grater just to do spaetzle. So I used my over sized slotted spoon, but it happened to be the spoon I would have used to get them out of the water.  So that was a slow process and caused them to possibly overcook, because they cooked really fast, so fast I wasn't able to rinse the batches off with cold water, so they might have been a touch overdone, but I have no idea if they were. 

They had a pretty good texture, not too doughy, they tasted like a mix between pasta and rice. I wanted to keep it pretty plain when I "dressed" them, so I could truly taste them, since it was my first time. But I made a mistake, I added too much thyme. I placed them in a frying pan with butter, added some cream, parmesan  cheese, and the thyme, it was too assertive with the nutmeg. I couldn't eat too much of it, but my toddler loved it, he took over eating my plate.  Also the frying pan was too small, I couldn't get the spaetzle to brown enough first.  

So next time I will be more prepared to cook the spaetzle, and have something better in place to remove it from the water faster, and have a bowl of cold water standing by to cool it off. I am sure that will make it lighter. And lastly, I think I will use just a very very small dash of nutmeg and skip the thyme all together. I think they would be good in a really creamy cheese sauce.

I grew up in a home where we did not eat a lot of pasta, so with anything close to a pasta texture, takes me a bit to get used to it. So a good way to get used to it is covering it with cheese, and maybe bacon, ooohhh bacon.

I am sure that some people would think that cooking something new isn't all that challenging, but it is too me. It opens up a whole new way for making things and adding to my over all knowledge. Cooking involves a lot of science, so it effects more than just my waist line. Cooking also has a lot of social aspects, why certain countries cook with certain food, and what the staples were, and how people survived on what they had. I can't imagine how someone even came up with cooking spaetzle the first time. I am sure it started with a desire to have smaller dumplings, and grew from there, making them smaller and smaller. If I am remembering correctly, Germany didn't eat a lot of potatoes in the middle ages, so I can understand why they have a lot of starchy meal without potatoes in them.

From this first time, I learned that it is a very bland starch that needs a lot of flavor added to them. But they are very delicate and need to be handle with a soft hand. Sorta like me. Hahahahaha.

Sunday Dinner

My hubby told me that he really liked the roast I made today. He said it was really good. When I tasted it I had a feeling he would like it, only because I wasn't too crazy about the taste. Isn't that funny?  I like my things to be savory, and love to add things that will make pork sweet. My husband prefers things to be seasoned, but not sweet, or sweet and spicy.  With him in mind I set about seasoning it and it paid off. Both him and my teenager liked it. So that makes me happy.

It was a picnic pork roast. It was a cut that came with a joint in it, I would say from the hip part of the leg. It was about four lbs, with the fat and skin still on it. I seared it in a very hot cast iron pan. That is currently sitting on the stove waiting to be seasoned again. Anyway, back to the roast.

I seasoned it with salt, pepper and some cumin. I then layered the bottom of the slow cooker with 2 small sliced sweet onions, with four cloves of garlic, a half of bunch of parsley, about a teaspoon of ginger, with a cup of water. I placed the roast on top. In the hot cast iron pan I added worcestershire sauce about 2 TBS, then about 1/2 of cup of low sodium soy sauce and about 1/4 cup of steak sauce to deglaze the pan. I then topped the roast with that and cooked it for about 6 hours on high. 

When we got ready to eat, I made sure I put some of it away first. I have learned that if you leave all the meat on the plate, you won't have leftovers, so take them first, call them firstovers and then you will have some for either a sandwich,or fried rice later in the week.

What I didn't like was the roasted garlic taste, for some reason I have never been a fan. I can tolerate it at this point, but if it was just me I would have left out the garlic, or maybe minced it really fine. And I would have added brown sugar. To me that would have been really yummy, and maybe some pineapple juice. But I knew that my husband would love the garlic and the cumin. At least I know what he likes and I can play to that when it is a meal we will both be eating. Most nights of the week it is just me and the boys, so I can make anything really. But I don't always want to go to all the extra work.  

Tomorrow, I will need to make more bread. I need to get more loaf pans, so I don't have to make it so often. But I can honestly say that is something I don't fear anymore, making wheat bread. It just took a little more practice and a little help from my mom. Thanks mom!

My relationship with food

To be perfectly honest, I do not know what my relationship with food is. I wish I knew. I love it, I get all sorts of pleasure from it, whether it is eating it or making it. I love taking my time to make something, whether it is something I have made a hundred times before, or if it is the first time I have made it, and the only thing that makes it all worth it is if someone enjoys it. Sure I will like it, but I want someone else to truly enjoy it. I want to wow someone, but that does not happen all the often anymore. I live with my husband, a teenager and two small boys, they make it very hard on me, they have a very different relationship with food.

My hubs is super picky when it comes to food, and he always seems to criticize my cooking.  He is so picky he doesn't ever let me make the easy things like tacos, or spaghetti, I can't even make the hamburgers.  If I do make them because he is busy or will be home super late, he finds a way to remind me that he likes the way he cooks better. He will be eating the food, and yet can't say wow babe thanks, that was good. It is always something like, next time when you make this can you do XY and Z instead??? It isn't as if I add extra stuff, or that I cook with different ingredients than him. I open the same type of sauce and cook the same noodles, but I make them taste different than what he wants. Maybe the meat isn't in small enough chunks, or too big of chunks. Maybe I salted the noodle water and he doesn't. It isn't as if I add mayo to the sauce, or put ice cream in the taco meat. It is always small things, but do they really change the meal, or make it inedible?  Not really, but he can't just be happy, he has to make his suggestions or tell me how it wasn't as good as when he makes it. 

He doesn't seem to get that this does not help me and that it hurts. I mean it is good enough for you to eat it, why can't he just be grateful??  The worst is when he acts like he enjoyed eating a particular meal, he will even say nice things about it, then the next time I suggest making it, he tells me everything that was wrong with it, or that he didn't like it anyways. So I feel as if he lied to me and that I really can't trust his opinion and what he tells me about food or anything else. I am not even sure he knows that he does it.  When I remind him that he seemed to like it, he looks at me like I am crazy and becomes more negative about it.  This makes my cooking anything even harder, because I never know what he wants or expects from me. He is also bothered that when I cook I don't use a recipe most of the time, and so things won't taste just the same next time.

My teenager can't be bothered to tell me what he thinks of my food as he eats everything in sight. The most I will ever get from him is either "meh" or it was "good." Not much else. He used to love my cooking, loved tasting things for me, loved giving me input. But know he seems to think I am an idiot that needs all sorts of help, but I can't expect it from him. It is a miracle to get him to help in the kitchen anymore. Even if it is just to get something off the top shelf for me.

My youngest boys aren't ones that can provide input other than "ummm good" from the toddler.  The other is still nursing.

I feel empty and alone when it comes to my food quest, that I am here taking this path all on my own. I am also a stay at home mom, with a limited income, so I don't have many pleasures or escapes, so I think I have made cooking one of them. I know grocery shopping has become one. I enjoy finding new products to try in the store and love creating something new. I find cooking a challenge, and can really get a boost of self esteem from it. But just imagine what could happen if someone was to respond in a positive way over something I have made., what that would do for me.  I want to explore food, and the way it makes me feels and my emotional response to it. Why do I crave certain things, why I am driven to conquer certain things, like bread. I want to understand why I find passion in cooking and eating.

I wish I didn't feel an emotional connection to food, I wish I could just see it as something that helped me live. But it is so much more. It makes me feel good, it can make me feel guilty, I can have pride in something I make, but also feel completely devastated when something doesn't work, or if someone doesn't like what I make. How do you think it makes me feel when I make a dinner I know on else wants to even try?

I know I am not the only one that feels this way. I know that for many people food is much more than a means to an end. Maybe I need to realize that I am the only one that I can control, and that I will have to find a way to find joy in myself and my food. That I can't rely on others, but that brings me back to feeling all alone.

If you have to rely on yourself for all your happiness and joy, you feel isolated and cut off. Why be married and have a family then? Why be social animals?  I don't think it is healthy for humans to be expected to find all their joy from themselves. I think we need that from others also, my problem is that I tie my self esteem to food, whether it is making it or eating it, and I have a family of people who don't give a crap about whether I feel good about my cooking, and my relationship with food good or bad. They don't understand that it seems to make me who I am and what I am about. I mean come on, I didn't get this big without having some sort of relationship with food. I am just trying to turn it around to a healthy one. One that makes me a better person. So in the end I guess I am on my own, and will always will be. And that to me is just sad. Makes me want to go find something good to eat.

Comfort food, isn't it great?

So the other day about a week ago, I was having a hard time of it. Just a rough day, I don't remember all of it, but my Great Aunt had passed away, and that was enough to make me want to feel comforted, and as an over weight woman in America I have learned to do that with food. It is a shame that is something we turn to, but I guess you can say it could be something worse.  But at the same time, being overweight has killed millions and millions of people, so not much else is worse really. That is one of the reason I started this blog, to get away from turning to food as a crutch, also to track my becoming a better person. A healthier person, both physically and emotionally.

But on this day, I didn't care, I wanted to feel full and warm, and not have a care in the world about it.  So I turned to a dish that I love for its creaminess.  I saw a version of it made on a cooking show, but I think I have  changed it up enough to write it up on here.

 1/2 half pound bow tie pasta cooked and drained, in the same pan with the noodles, add frozen peas and carrots about a cup and a half, actually to the water before you start to drain the pasta, so it defrost the veggies. With the pasta and veggies,  add 4 TBS of butter, and a half of cube of cream cheese. Leave the burner on med low, to melt the cheese, add diced ham about 3/4 of a cup, and 3/4 cup of sour cream, 3 diced scallions, salt and paper to taste, along with garlic powder about a teaspoon. mix together. Top with parmesan cheese and serve warm.

You could add what ever meat you had leftover, turkey, chicken, pork, what ever you have on hand that is precooked. Also you can change the veggies like maybe mushrooms, maybe add red onions or peppers.  If you want a deeper cheese flavor some really good ones would be muenster or havarti, either would be good. Or heck, good old cheese from a jar would work, you know that processed cheese food product you find on the shelf, not in the dairy aisle.  If you are the type that needs a bit of a crunch, you can always top with chow mien noodles, or crushed croutons. What is good about comfort food is that you can make it completely your own. Think about it, what comfort food doesn't taste better with either more cheese, or topped with bacon, or drizzled with chocolate?

My sons sometimes like this, depending on their mood that day.  But I can say for a while it helped my mood, made me feel safe. But I did make sure I got on the treadmill the next day.  And to be honest, that worked so much better, because it didn't come with a side of guilt, like too much comfort food can.

Flan, yeah I said Flan.

After wanting to make spaetzle all week, for some crazy reason I took a left turn and decided to make flan. I had company coming over for dinner and thought, hey why not give it a try. So I did. It was my first time ever. I have made a baked custard before but it isn't quite the same thing.  I have had flan before and sometimes it is awesome, other times it is really, really bad. Like super gross bad.

 I think the hardest part was getting the sugar cooked just right, you don't realize just how much that flavors the flan until you mess it up. I was so worried about shaking the sugar that I forgot the part about turning the burner down. Now it wasn't burnt, but it was close to it, and left a bitter taste on the flan. It got really dark also. I knew as soon as I poured the caramel on the dish that it cooked to high, because it got hard right away. It shouldn't have, it also cracked as soon as I poured the cold egg mixture on it. Another bad sign, I should have went with my gut and re did the sugar, next time I will know.

 I was also worried about mixing the eggs too much because the recipe warned about leaving too much foam, how it would effect the texture, so instead I ended up with patches of egg whites that weren't mixed in enough and got really hard. So it was a bit weird in spots.

Also, it was too thin, if I am going to use the same pan I need to make a larger patch.

I added blueberries also, I thought they were a nice touch. I don't think they effected anything other than the color.

I enjoyed making this, I have always been scared to mess with melting sugar, but it was really easy.  I won't be scared next time, and should be able to pull it off better. I need to think of other things I can use this sugar technique on, like maybe on the bottom of cinnamon rolls, or pineapple upside down cake. It would help make the cake more moist and yummy.  Oh man, it is making me drool just thinking about it.  Yummy, yummy caramel goodness.

So how did my flan turn out over all? I would say it was a 4, maybe a 5. It wasn't super gross, just needed to be tweaked a bit. Maybe in a few weeks I can make another one, when my teenager is around and he can honestly critique me, and eat all the left overs.  And yes this time I have photos, enjoy!

As you can see the top one is after it was turned over, the bottom is the top side, which I think looks prettier.

I am not sure why I wanted to make this, I was first introduced to flan years ago when I was just a teenager, and they had made the instant kind, out of a box. I have had it since in restaurants, and surprisingly the box was one of the best.  I think I thought it was a super hard thing to make, but in the end it really wasn't. If you have any sort of egg making skills, you should be able to make this. Just beware of the temperature of the sugar while you are melting it, and however the sugar ends up tasting, that is mostly how your flan with taste, so if you burn it, you are screwed. Also, beat your eggs really really well, you need to break up those proteins, so you have a creamier texture, if it gets foamy, just scrap off the foam, or let it settle for a bit. I have to say I think a little foam would be better than weird hard chunks of egg whites floating in it.

I have to say though, that I was a chicken and that I didn't end up serving it too my company, just too soon, instead they got breakfast for dinner. I served pan cakes with sugar and lemon, like they do in England, and she loved them.

Again, more crying.

So I have made bread again and finally it is soft, I think it is all in the baking time, you really can't go by the recipe time, if I did it might have been burned. 

 I was also able to make pad thai again, this time without any meat, but with bean sprouts, it defiantly needs the bean sprouts.

It was nice making those again, I got help with the pad thai a second time around from my teenage son. Something he rarely does any more.

 Right now I am suffering small heart breaks, I am trying to get both the little boys to nap, neither have slept today, so I know they both need it. But they are now currently trying to out scream each other. My youngest can get to sleep on his own at night, but during the day it is impossible to get him to sleep.  He doesn't cry back to sleep at night, just slowly talks himself to sleep. But during the day, that is impossible to get. He just cries and cries. What am I doing wrong?

 It is hard to have a heavy heart some days. Nothing extra ordinary has happened this week, nothing awful, or horrible, or even stressful, but I am feeling a bit down and blue.  I am sure it is related to my tubal ligation, which by the way sucks. Why can't we get more info when it comes to procedures done on women? Why do I have to find out after it is over and done with, rather than before. I know this isn't in my head. I know I am not crazy.  We are going to wait until I am done nursing to figure out what is due to the nursing and what isn't, than we are going to look into getting it reversed, all because neither of us wanted these side effects.

They are crying so much I won't be surprised if someone calls to report me to someone, but what else do you do when your baby won't go to sleep?