A quiet Sunday.

I am sure once I get this first sentence finished my babies will be waking up. They have been asleep for hours, and I have gotten restless.  So I am almost certain this will be the time they wake up.

I got my hair cut and dyed this last week, and so far no one, not a single person has noticed. Sure I don't get out much, but I thought someone might notice at church, but I guess I am just about invisible there. Hardly anyone talks to me, and I hardly talk to anyone ether, so it isn't all their faults. I need to be more out going. But when you are wrestling babies the whole time it is a little hard to do so.

I like the shorter hair. It feels a lot lighter. For those who wouldn't know, mine was down my back almost to my waist. Now it is just below my shoulder. I dyed my hair, because I was tired of my teenager pointing out all my gray hairs, he had given me, over all these years. So it is about my regular color. A nice, plain brown.  But I do feel younger with it cut. I need to get a curling iron to make it look straighter, I have what my mother would call naturally wavy hair. I call a touch frizzy. (Don't you hate it when you spell a word so wrong that spell check has no clue what you meant?  Freazy, freezy, freezie)

Ok, so that is a little lame and boring. Wow, your hair again, who cares lady, shave it bald already, we don't give a crap about your hair) Let me try a different jaunt. My therapy. I have been going slowly, and it has been going slowly. I want it to be over with, yet I feel as if there might be something else there I need to work on, or work out. I hate having memories that I can't recall, or bring up. I know that I have had several traumatic events in my life, I almost died from drowning, when I was very young, I know someone sexual abused me, but who I don't know, and I know that something scary happened at  church once. I know I have survived all of these events, I know I may never remember them, I know I can grow and work through them, but I have a feeling, in order for me to free of all the baggage I have, I need to truly figure out what it causing a lot of the pain and hurt I have. Why do I hate myself, why do I feel like I am worthless, why do I feel like I shouldn't try at anything? Why did I try so hard to get attention growing up, why did I feel like no one was there for me and that I was all alone?

Sure some of these feelings may be coming from my hormones I have lingering inside of me, since I weaned my youngest baby, but I think it is more than that.

Do we really need to have past memories clear as day before us, in order to let them go and work through them?

It doesn't matter what I look like, what sort of shape I am in physically, or how I dress, those things won't make me feel better. I need to find a way to let go of all the negativity that runs through my head. Here is an idea of what I mean by that.

My husband makes this sighing noise, "auggg". Every time he isn't happy with something or someone, it is loud, I can hear it from another room. I have told him over and over it bothers me, but I don't think he truly gets what it does to me.  Each one is like a little knife cutting into me. "you suck, you stink, this dinner is gross, you are dirty, you smell, your kids are awful, you are a lousy wife, you are a lousy mother, you're a slob, can't you clean anything..." Yes, I know he isn't saying these things, I know these are the things that I think, and make up in my head, I know if I was a happier person it would sound more like, "you're so hot, why can't I keep up with you"  but it doesn't. I joke about one day I might end his life, with multiple stab wounds, and I got to say what will set me off will be one of those sighs. I hear them all day long, I am not kidding, he finds something to sigh about at least 50 times a day, so with just the shear number of them you would think I would now be able to block them out, as the meaningless sound effects an old man makes, but that hasn't happened either. 

I thought I was doing so much better, and maybe this is my body and mind rebelling against me working on my demons, and so they will all be gone. But if that is the case, I want this over sooner rather than later, thank you, very much, messed upped mind of mine.

BY the way, the babies are still sleeping, it is nice, too bad my husband had to wake up, start running his mouth, thinking he was funny. Really dude, I just let you sleep for three and 1/2 hours, and this is how you repay me. Well screw it buddy, next week I sleep and you get to stay up on the computer for hours.

Day light savings sucks.

I have a screaming headache, a massive screaming headache and there is one thing to blame for it, Day light savings. I get that it brings a hour of light later in the day, but we really need to get rid of it. Do you know how many people die from day lights savings, oh I know you think I am being funny, but getting up earlier has cause people to have heart attacks, causing them to die. It messes with you people, it really does. I say we get rid of it all together, but who am I to say anything, just a lowly blogger who isn't even brave enough to admit who she is.

I know what would get rid of this mountain of pain, a nap, a sweet, sweet nap, something nice and long. But until the babies are asleep, it will escape me, dang, day light savings, you and nine o'clock start time for church. The babies are super crabby, but neither are sleeping. Everyone is on edge, well except for my hubs, he is sleeping, yep, he crawled into bed as soon as the babies were put into their beds. I stayed up to make sure they stayed in bed to sleep. But so far it isn't working, and to be honest if my solitaire games weren't sucking, I wouldn't mind so much. Dang, Pyramids!

Maybe if I had something to watch on tv, but there is nothing. I am too tired to think of something fun to look up online, even a piano playing, nut cracking, t shirt wearing cat can't save me. But that does bring to mind two things I love, one, Once Upon a time, if you can watch this, do, it is a good show. You'll want to punch the evil queen, well drop kick her off the face of the earth is more like it. Having a villain to hate is always nice. 

Also, the band Snow Patrol,  I haven't heard one of their songs I don't love. I am a bit of a ocd music freak in that I will listen to a song over and over and over, and yesterday I listened to some of theirs about 20 times. So check them out, yeah all three of you who read this from time to time.  I just found out they are coming to town, but tickets are sold out, any chances I can get my hubby to take to see the one in Seattle? Hahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahaha, yeah right, I thought that was funny also. Not a chance, not a chance in heck. Oh well, it would have been a nice anniversary trip. Especially since we haven't gotten out in years, since the babies showed up.

I am going to go out and shake my fist at the sun, it's her dang fault that I am in all sorts of pain, that bitch.

Have a nice day!!

Just gets better and better.

Wow today we are off to a rip roaring start and it is just getting better and better. We can't get along today for anything. But this is nothing new, never is. We always fight and yell and scream over some of the dumbest things. We have the same fights over and over. We can't seem to get past it. Maybe there is something we need to figure out. Maybe we will never get it figured out. All I know is that for it to be a typical saturday, we have to be fighting about who got up earliest, who is ignoring the kids, what are plans our, who is going to clean what, and what to watch, etc.

Oh well, it could be worse. Way worse. I could live somewhere where I have to walk 5 miles to get fresh water, or where I have to worry about someone taking my children and making them slaves in sex den. Or maybe I can be in North Korea, where no one has anything to eat, they have no freedoms, and no hope. I think that is the worst of all lives, a life with out hope.

You can be the poorest person, in the most dire circumstances and if you have hope, you find a reason to keep going, you will look for the good in others, you will keep on keeping on. The opposite, you can be the richest, most well connected person around and if you don't have hope, none of that will matter. You will always look for the worst in others, always distrust others, and never find peace or happiness.

By the way, why is it that in Hollywood, only a rich white person can save a poor (Black, Hispanic, Asian) person, and why is it that only a poor (Black, Hispanic, Asian) person can save a rich person?

Can middle income people, save other middle income people?  I know it doesn't make sense, but when does my blog seem to make sense?

Also, how is the weather there in Russia?

Just when I think I can get out, I am pulled right back in.

I was on a good path, I was heading in the right direction. but my gps, has gotten all wonky and I am back to being all sorts of shades of blue. I guess dwelling on my childhood week after week is really getting to me. I wish I had set this up to go through it faster, so I wouldn't have all of this dragging out for so long. I hate to think of what we talk about this coming week. WE meaning the therapist and I.

I wish I could find the energy to be funny and witty, but it just isn't in me. This is one of those moments that I wished I had a ton of readers, so they could send me some positive vibes.

I hope everyone has a great day!  I just want to curl up and ignore the world.