hate myself

I just wanted to post that I was hating myself today, I am in the middle massive pity party.  It has been going on all weekend and I just can't shake it.

20 more reps

So for the third day in a row I have gotten up early to work out. So far it has been nice, being able to get it out of the way, also I have been able to shower right away also, so much better than running around in sweaty clothes. Today was a little harder since my youngest woke up early, and often last night.  It can make a person very tired. I think he is getting sick, and he seems to have lots of pooping problems.  I should load him up on juice so he can just clean himself out once and for all.  I seem to talk about poop way too much on here.

I am also finding I have way more motivation and stamina, especially when it comes to cleaning the house. Last night was probably the first night ever I have gone to bed with out any dirty dishes in the sink, not a one.  It was nice to wake up to an empty sink.  You don't realize how much of a nag a load of dishes can be, always chanting, "clean me, clean me, clean me..."  It can get really loud sometimes, but today it was nice and quiet not a peep to be heard from a filthy cup, a dirty pot, or a soaking bowl. I just might get addicted to this.  But don't tell my husband, then I might hear a whole other type of nagging.

I just might have a busy day a head of me today, I need to make bread, go grocery shopping and make dinner for a friend of mine who just had a baby. Plus I need to do all the other things around here. So good thing I have my energy and drive back. It is amazing how you have no idea how much pain you were in, how much each day was a struggle, how dark and glumly life was, until you get some sunshine back.  I was in a really dark place, worse than Forks.  I really hope I don't start to slip backwards. I hope my forecasts remain bright, warm and eighty degrees for a good long while.  I am sure my family does as well. 

Oh yeah, I added 20 more reps today, lifting weights, but I think that will be my max.

6:30 work out

So after a week of not being able to workout, because I got too busy during the day, I got up early and worked out today.  It was easy to get up, since my mind was so full of worry I couldn't sleep.  I was worried about all sorts of things. Things I can do something about and things no one can change.  But it does feel good to be all done with it. I walked for 30 minutes, then I worked out with weights for about 45 minutes.  Weights take a while because you need to give your self about 30 seconds of rest between certain sets.

I am laying here, thinking about all sorts of things I think I can accomplish today; sewing, cleaning, drawing, shopping; painting; facebooking; reading.  But I am certain of two things, ok, maybe, maybe three, I will be a mother today, I will eat something and I will shower.  Of those two things I am sure you can guess which one is the maybe.  But since I am sitting here without any support for my girls, I will say the odds are greater than a normal day that I will get in the shower. I hate letting them swing free. Besides someone might get a black eye if I leave them lose.

I am hungry though, not a huge surprise there, when am I not hungry?  But honestly I am doing better on the eating front, I am finding if I have boring food around the house, I am less likely to eat more than I need to.  So buy no junk or anything that sounds extra yummy, and maybe I will do better weight wise.

My teenager has a need to know policy, and he seems to think we are not on the list of need to know.  Well atleast I am on that list.  He seems to comminucate fairly well with his father and step dad. But most of the time I get a response in the realm of "don't worry about it".  This is very annoying, but I am finding it is a great way to start answering questions.  So if you talk to me in the near future, save yourself the trouble and just know the answer will be don't worry about it.

I am also struggling with how to talk to my husband, about our children's sleeping arrangements, and the few things I want to do to the kitchen.  Nothing really big, just two window treatments, a bench and some framed art work. I would say everything would be less than 100 bucks for the kitchen.  But I don't know how to get him to see that I think it would be worth it in the long run. Maybe if more people read my blog I could get some suggestions.  But maybe I need to take my own advice and don't worry about it.

Need motivation.

I am sitting here at the computer waiting for my husband to come home, if I remember correctly, I believe he said he would be home late today.  But what day isn't he home late? So I am trying to be distracted, but it isn't really working.  I don't know what I was going to talk about other than I haven't worked out yet today, and I really don't feel like doing it.  I want to sleep, I don't want to get on the tread mill or lift weights.  I want a nice chunk of sleep. The baby hasn't been sleeping well lately and it is starting to take its toll. I would pay for sleep at this point. You know instead of paying for sex, I would hire a hotel room by the hour so I could sleep.  But I think if it was a place you can rent by the hour, you wouldn't get much quiet, or much peace.

So I need to dig deep down to get the motivation to hop on the treadmill, or at least lift some weights. I don't know what will do it. But maybe I will get lucky.

But in the mean time, I think I will turn the computer off and roll around on the floor with my babies.

Cleaning out my closet.

Sometimes I get burst of claustrophobia, I just feel like I am being smothered.  That is when I realize I have too many things.  What happens when you have too much stuff?  Well it stresses you out, because you have so many things to worry about.  Think about a time when you were maybe on vacation without your cell phone, tablet, lap top, anything but what you needed right then that day.  Maybe at the beach, or out hiking.  How free did you feel?  It isn't a great feeling.  Not having to worry about anything except for what it right in front of you.  Well if you have too much stuff gathering dust around your house, you know what I mean.  It begins to weigh you down.  You have to make sure each and everything is safe.  So if you take some time to down size and get rid of some of those things, you can feel a bit lighter. 

So I decided to go through my shoes, I have a lot of shoes, but nothing close to what a lot of women have. We always have more than we think we do, trust me, go find them all and count them. More than you imagined.  I have always loved shoes, and I have cleaned them out before, but I always add more to them.  But this time, I wanted to take a step that is a lot harder, getting rid ones that have memories attached to them. Like the ones I wore when I got married.  Or the ones I wore out to the clubs in my single life.  Or maybe ones that someone else bought for me. I need to let these go, I don't need them to remember the events.  And if I did, then maybe the event isn't worth remembering. You can let all sorts of things crowd your brain that need to be cleared out. Maybe it is the memories that cause the claustrophobia, more than the things. I hope not, how am I supposed to clean my brain out.

Either way I need to down size my shoe collection, I have about ten pairs picked out, I need to look again, maybe I can get a few more. Then maybe some of the memories will go with them. 

Also, I am trying to decide if I am too old to wear some of them. Like the 5 inch black suede mules, with faux fur trim.  Really, does a 37 year old mother of three need a pair of shoes like that?  I am thinking no, maybe if my husband had some sort of shoe fetish, which he doesn't. I also have a few pairs of tennis shoes I can do without, and some casual dress shoes, with clunky heels, I don't need the extra weight from my shoes keeping me down right now.  I don't need anything extra keeping me down.

I have also gotten to the point of working out that I really care about what I eat.  I don't want to work so hard only to throw it away with what I eat. It will only be a matter of time that I become even more careful about what I eat. I have let the full fat salad dressing slide by, but soon it will be fat free, if any at all. A little butter here and there will become no butter any where. But it will take time, I don't want to rush things.  I didn't gain all this weight over night, I don't need to change everything overnight.  Making too many changes too fast is what gets a lot of people into trouble. You can't start working out, and depriving yourself all at once, that is too big of a shock to your system. You will not succeed that way.  I know losing weight is going to be a very slow process, to get to my goal it will take at least a year. Which is fine.  Time goes by really fast, and it will be a year whether I work out or not. So why not take the step each day to get better and healthier? 

I have also started taking time each day to work on my goal of being a fabric designer.  The only person that can stop me, is me.  So I taking time to draw and create on the computer. It is important to work with shapes and colors. It feels good to have a direction to focus on.

So a little at a time I am working on things, downsizing, de-cluttering, and getting healthy all the way around.  Ridding my life of self doubt and self loathing.  Two things I do not have room in my closet for.

Lunch with my hubs and two chaperones.

So I just got back from having lunch with my husband, it was really nice. He normally works a long ways away, but was at a conference today close by, so he met at a local restaurant.  It was just a few minutes, but it made all the difference in my week.  We all got dressed up and ready to go.(We being the kids and I.) We got there a little early, and he got there a whole lot late. But it was a good time.  It felt good to be going somewhere to met my honey. The boys looked extra cute, also.  Well they almost always do, but to be honest it was a fine line between the decision to dress up or just say screw it and go in our jammies. Most of my life these days is like that. 

So I just got called away on a phone call, and getting the baby down for nap.  So I lost my train of thought.  But here is a tip for you, Acidophilus really helps if your kid has diarrhea that just won't stop.  But I am not a doctor, so please talk to your doctor first before you give anything to your children.  All I know is that since I gave some to my son, he has stopped the nonstop pooping, yippie! 

Non stop diaper changes and other mom things.

For the last few days that is all I have been doing it seems.  I need to figure out what it will take to get my toddler to stop pooping.  Sorry if all my blogs are about poop lately, it is just that my life is full of it lately.   We are also running low on wipes. I am holding out until this weekend to get some, because of a deal at Costco, so here is to hoping we last that long.  I might need to scour the house to find all the boxes we have.  So keep your fingers crossed.

I know that my husband now reads my post on a regular basis.  I am also learning that if he reads something once, he gets it sooner than me telling him a dozen times. So I want to tell him thank you for all the help he is giving me.  I know I have been stressing him out lately, because I have been extremely stressed myself.  I can blow a lot of steam off when I get to work out, but I need to find ways to manage when  I can't get on the treadmill. I just always have a running list in my head of all the things I should be doing, fold laundry, load dish washer, work out, make the bed, pick up the living room, work on my artistic skills, make brownies, get the car washed, vacuum the carpet, feed the babies, let the dogs in, pick the green tomatoes, email my friends...the list goes on and on, it is a constant nag in my head, these thought run through my brain non stop.  So I have all sorts of guilt when I don't accomplish just a few of them.

I need to make an actual list of what my priorities are and focus on those. First and foremost.  Right now the babies come first, no matter what.  But I know women with more children, that get all sorts of things done, and I can't get just a few done.  I just want to be present in my child's life, I need to find a balance. I know I will be much happier, and the family will be much happier.  A happy mom means a happy family.

Long sick weekend.

I hate it when my children get sick. Even worse is when you are also sick.  It is very hard to deal with sick kids, when you have to deal with code 10's all the time. But I think we have come out of it.  I say hope, because we thought our toddler was in the clear, then he started blowing chunks again, so gross.  But I have to say I am extra lucky that the baby didn't get sick.  It is so hard to help them, and comfort them, because they don't understand what is going on. 

But beside being sick, and tending a sick child all weekend, there wasn't much that I did get to do.  We watched a few movies which was a nice break.  We used to go to movies all the time, then once the kiddos came it slowed down a whole lot. I can count how many movies we have seen together, just two, yep, two.  Both of them Twilight movies. We took a baby with us to one, and the other we had grandma baby sit. So going from a couple of movies a month, to one every year and half, sucks.  So we watch some at home, which I have to say is so much better than paying full price to watch some of the clunkers my husband likes. 

You know, the long drawn out mind numbingly boring ones, about the government secretly screwing the country over.  Or the really lame, no plot whatsoever, just excuses for blowing things up, just to blow them up. Or the extremely gross, ones, where some how, every other word needs to be the F word.  Now don't get me wrong, I have been known to swear way too often and in the worst places ever, but not every other word. I am not that crass.  It doesn't add effect anymore to use that word so often.  It doesn't add drama, or humor, or make it seem more real, we all get it is just another plot point, to cover up weak writing.  I hope the writers will learn this.  Show us some real talent, and less potty humor.  I dare you to.

We are now watching Tangled for the millionth time, I can also most quote it.  It is getting to the point where my brain shuts down when it comes on. I turn on auto pilot, just so I can attempt to tune it out.  "the only thing I want to do with your hair is get out of it, literally".  (Sorry, how did that get in there?)  But the kiddos love it.  And at this point, after such a long weekend, all I want is a little peace and some what of a promise that I won't need to clean any more throw up today.  Please no more throw up.

Need a little something to drink?

There are some things I will always be proud of, and one of them is that I have never ever tried anything alcoholic.  Not a sip.  Being from a very small town, it was a very easy thing to do on the weekends, as a teenager, to go out and get drunk. I was even at some of those parties, not many just a few.  But I always said no. I was later promoted to be a designated driver in my twenties for my friends.  But I still didn't drink. My friends knew that I wouldn't and they didn't try to get me to. I was once at out with a sister in law, running around doing errands, in the middle of the day no less, and I asked about going some place to get a drink, she responded with "I am not going to go to a bar with you".  I then let her know in no uncertain terms I didn't and won't drink and I meant a drive thru, like McDonalds.  I am not certain, but I hope she felt stupid after make such an assumption.  There are days I crave a fun, fruity drink, but that is only Kool-Aid, with added lime or lemon juice. Or maybe a smoothie, filled with fruit, or maybe turned into a shake.  I think of it as a little break from the norm, a very mini vacation. 

I am sure by now you are wondering why the heck I am talking about drinking if I don't drink.  Well I will tell you why.

I read an article the other day about stay at home mom's who became alcoholics.  They started with just a little drinking, and then the problem grew and got worse.  I don't know what it feels like to be drunk, or a little tipsy.  So I can't relate on how that would feel. But what I can relate to is that sometimes being a parent can be mind numbing. How it can push you to the edge and leave you hanging there, for hours on end.  The constant demands and expectation, the lack of sleep, lack of adult conversation.  Not only that your family puts on you, but ones you put on yourself.  To always have the kids looking cute, to have the kitchen clean, to have food on the table, to be attractive and attentive to your spouse.  Those never go away, that constant nagging, telling you over and over you are a mess, and it won't get better. That you should give up. And even if you get to the point where you can put yourself first and workout, you feel guilty that you aren't spending that time with the babies. It is an endless cycle. 

So if Alcohol gives you that break, a little time out, takes you to a place where you feel better about yourself, you feel more confident, more able to bear the boredom, and the minutiae of staying at home, then I can see how it all gets started.  I can also say I am so glad I have never drank before. Because I have to say if I had, there is a good chance I might be one of those alcoholic drunks.  Not so much because I don't love being a stay at home mom, and not because I don't love my children and my family. Not because I am not grateful everyday I get to stay home.  But because you can become very weak in spirit at times, and without a break, those times will come more often and last longer. So sneaking a drink here and there, would become easier, and become a very long, and large slippery slope.

So I am glad that I can say I haven't ever drank before, because after all this time I know I have the strength and desire not to do it.  But I have also learned how to make things work on my own, how to take a time out when it is needed, how to say, yes I can work out today, and not feel bad about it.  How I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, when the darkness descends.  Now, I am not perfect, I get depressed, I get lonely, I feel like a failure, but I know that me, myself and I, and with help from the lord, I can pull myself up.  That I can lift my head up and say tomorrow will be a better day.   And that is another thing I will always be proud of, that when it comes right down to it, I can rely on myself.  Not something from a bottle to make things better.  By ME, MYSELF, AND I.