I couldn't sleep, and instead of tossing and turning and keeping my husband up, I figured I needed to get up and let all of these thoughts out of my head.
I don't want anyone to get the wrong picture here, yes I knew Justin,
yes he made me laugh and smile, and yes he had a way to make you want
to wipe that smirk right off of his face, but my loss isn't the same as
my husbands, nor is it the same as his children's, or his families, I
can't tell you what they feel, but I know how I feel, and I know the
thoughts his passing has brought up in me. My intent is not to offend, but to help others.
First off, What the Hell, Really, you self centered asshole, why the eff would you do this to your loved ones? What the hell, I mean really, what a self centered asshole, jerk thing to do, you complete douch, don't you know you have now messed up your kids for life, for forever? What about your parents, what the hell?? Really, man?? Your siblings, it wasn't enough for your family to go through this once, but twice now? Really?? What about your friends, the ones that had your back, who loved you like a brother, who stood by your side, regardless, even after you pushed and pushed and pushed them away.
I mean really, if your weren't dead I would kick your ass.
Ok, so that seems bad, hurtful and cold, but it is just one set of thoughts that are running through my head since you decided you couldn't take no more.
But here are some others;
What more could have been done, what did you need to get out of all that darkness? What more should have been done? Did you feel loved enough? Did you need more tough love? Did something happen to you that you couldn't share, did someone damage you? Who hurt you, and left you in this state? Was it us? Was it someone who loved you? Did you need more? Did you take too much? Did we give you too much? Could you have learned? Could you have changed? What needed to be done? Did we give up on you too soon?
You are going to be missed, more than you can ever imagine, and by more than you realize, your last choice is one that will leave ripples through out time.
I wish there was a magic word that would have pulled you out of this, I wish there was a way to bring you back, to get you to see all the love the world had for you. That you could realize that wasn't your only choice, that it didn't need to end this way, that you were better than this, that so many really wanted you to shine.
You have left behind love ones that are broken, spent and left incomplete. You have left a hole that no one else will ever be able to fill. You left, left us, left Jaime to pick up the pieces, left your children to face this world with out one more fighting in their corner, you left your parents, even after the pain you saw them go through before, losing another child, You left your siblings and friends, you left. Just left, you made your choice and found it a fitting answer, for everyone left behind to question.
While you think you got the last word you didn't. You may have ended it on your terms, we get the finally say. We get to decide how we will remember you. How you will be held in our hearts.
The pain is fresh, the hurt and betrayal is new, shock is still holding on tight, but this won't last, the pain will get softer around the edges, the betrayal will fade, and the shock will lift as the reality of it will settle in, as we look around and realize that the world hasn't stopped moving, that time still moves on, and that is when we will remember you, the one that was the real you, the one you didn't think we saw anymore, your smile, your twisted sense of humor, your smarts, and talents, your love and friendship.
That my friend is the last word we will have, the peace we will feel knowing you are no longer struggling, that you know just how much you are truly loved and missed. We will carry a piece of you with us. Not that it is close to really having you here, but it is all we are left with, so it is all we can carry with us. Peace for you and for your loved ones.
Peace to you Justin.
