Couple's Unspoken Signs

If you have been part of a couple long enough, you and your significant other, whether you realized it or not, have a way of communicating to each other, that the untrained eye cannot see.

For example, at Costco, when there is a sample you just can't pass up, and you know that your hubs isn't into it, and you want a second one, you toss out, "babe, you want one?"  He, being a smart man, readily agrees, then you, the sly fox that you are, get to grab one more for the road, not feeling the least bit guilty about swiping the last one from the grasp of a germ carrying tax deduction, who doesn't even have their own Costco card.

Now, if you are new to dating each other, you may get a different reaction, maybe a deer in headlights look, followed by a negative response, which leads to a crusty discussion about how you don't seem to remember their revulsion of cream puffs, "really, you don't remember that really traumatic chocolate fountain episode at my cousins wedding, when I had to leave early, because no one would believe it was chocolate sauce all over my ass?"

Since, it is new love, you really don't want to let it slip that you are just a friggin pig, wanting two, but are too passive to just grab two of your own, because only assholes take two for themselves. (Really it's true, assholes take two, and also park the damn carts in the middle of the aisle blocking your way to the over sized pickle jars.) And trust us, we totally remember the phobia you have over chocolate fountains, and we can't help but to giggle, as we devour our single cream puff, longing for the one that got away.

Or if you are at the in laws, (their family, not your family, because as we all know your family is the sane one, wink wink), and it is just too much, you heard this tale about the TV remote a thousand times, it stopped being funny ten years ago. The kids are cranky, tired and wound up all at the same time, you just want to get home, put on comfy pants, while finally catching the new episode of Survivor, waiting on DVR since Wednesday.

So you give the very gentle head nod pointing to the door, and the quick tapping on the non existent watch, and because your wife is so very clever, she knows, it is time to blow this joint. She packs up the left over dip, tosses the empty chip bags, then grabs the extra tub of chocolate ice cream, before anyone else claims it, you make your quick goodbyes, but before you are out of drive, you weigh the consequences of leaving behind the toddlers left shoe, or having to unload everyone to go search for the damn thing. (ah heck, they are hand me downs, from two other cousins, forget the sucker and "punch it Grover")

While the newly engaged, may miss the "can we please get out of here" signal, or may even mistake it for a suggestion to play that "awesome" party game the family just loves, (the one that makes you want to poke your eyes out), which will lead to a huge fight on the way home, causing another "really, this is the one, we are getting married, trust me this time" relationship to crash and burn, getting destroyed by a way too long game of Wizard. They had such potential, but it was a love that burned too fast and too hard, destroyed by one bid too many.

Or maybe it is the rolled eyes, given at the parent/teacher conference, and you know instantly that this teacher is nuts, but the school year is more than half over and there is no way you two are going to do anything about it now, oh well, how much does second grade matter anyway?

Or it is the "hey, hey" with a jerk of the head, and you cast your eyes over the crowd and see the guy in the sweat pants, head band, and scruffy beard, causing you both to giggle, because you know that he looks just like that annoying guy from the gym, that never wipes off the machines, and rides the reclining bikes in flip flops, that you two have dubbed, "too sexy for my shirt" guy.

So why am I going on about these unspoken signals, because I think my hubs is sending me one, one that let's me think he really wants a fight, or maybe even a quick death, (just kidding, I would never, ever... well...are his insurance premiums up to date? ;-).

I swear, every time I open the dishwasher after he has partially loaded it with dishes, he is asking for a fight, like a serious knock down, dragged out fight, leading to broken dishes and loooong periods of silence, with drawn out sighs. Why else would he keep loading it the same fricking, stupid, lame way, really, large cups where the short ones go, utensils on the top rack, not stacking the bowls, really I could go on and on, sure I realize maybe it is his way of telling me he really hates loading the dishes and just wants me to be more proactive, and to get off my fat ass to take care of them, since it seems he is sending me the same message when he unloads the damn thing, "really, after all these years you don't know where the lids go?"

Maybe it is a man brain thing, something he can't control, you know, he is the hunter, out looking for the large things, and I am the gatherer, looking for the small things.

Now, don't get me wrong, I am not perfect, and I am sure I send him unspoken signals all the time, like when I ask if he is thirsty, while we are out, it is really me that wants something, but I don't want to be a bother. Silly I know. Or maybe when I get super excited about a new thrift store find, and he just hears, oh great more money wasted on crap she is going to hoard for years and years, doing nothing with it until she sells it for next to nothing at a yardsale.

But all couples have these signals, and the longer you are together the less obvious they need to be.

Like that look you give him, letting them know you are up for some mysterious business, and they need to find you a bathroom ASAP, cause this code five is coming on fast.

Maybe if you start paying attention, you can catch on to the signals other couples share. And maybe if my husband is lucky, he will live to see another sink full of dirty dishes, waiting to be loaded the correct way.

Blah...blah....blah

My 5 year old asked me if anyone has told me I am fat. 

Uuuummmmm yeah all the damn time, I freaking know I am fat, trust me, you aren't the first nor the last.

I am currently fatter than I have ever been, more outta shape than I have ever been, trust me I know.

I want to write more, but screw it.