NYE

NYE??? Really, New Years Eve, is just too much to write or say?  Why do we always feel the need to shorten things?  Are we trying to make things happen faster, to get things done sooner, to make things seem smaller, less important?  Do we need things that immediate that we shorten it to get it to us faster, so we can move on to the next big thing, that we will try to minimize?  Why can't we just savor things for a bit longer?

I don't have plans for tonight, well not what anyone would call true plans, but I do plan on staying in, snuggling with my hubby, and going to bed early. We don't need to stay up late to see the new year coming in, as a nephew once said; What, this is it, nothing happens at Midnight, no big flash, nor loud noises, or explosions? He was disappointed, and I don't blame him, the first time he gets to stay up on New Years and he learns it is no big deal, same thing as every other night.

I feel sort of melancholy about not having some great plans, but at the same time blessed.  Sure we didn't get a single invite anywhere, and no one is wishes we were there with them, it is okay.  We aren't big social people, we don't have big parties, we don't invite family over often. Maybe it is a good thing, we are sick most of the time, and pretty surly anyway. We would just end up pissing people off, and offending them. We are blessed because we are a married couple that enjoy each others company, love to be together and just want to spend the night with just us, in our safe and warm home.  Which sounds like what a lot of other people are doing this year. We will eat tons of junk, drink plenty of cold soda, and sleep in fresh clean sheets, the sheets depend on me getting off my ass and getting them washed. But this is something I really want to ring in the New Year's with, fresh clean sheets. I love them. 

I have felt pretty good this week, sure the weather has turned extra cold, we have a ton of snow, and I am still in my jammies most days, I am happy.  I haven't felt too down this week, which is surprising for me, the only thing that really got me down is knowing we are approaching a whole new year, a new beginning, a chance to make it all fresh and new, and that can seem daunting, but like this past year, I just need to take it one step at a time.  One day at a time. This new year is going to speed by, because of the birth of my next baby, that always makes time just speed by. Maybe that has added to my new feeling of peace, knowing it is soon over with, I will soon have my baby, and will soon no longer be pregnant. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in the bad things pregnancies brings, we forget to just enjoy it, to feel the baby moving, to find the perfect name, to have all those hopes and dreams you have, while thinking of what your child's life will be like. It is all endless, the possibilities.

Even if it isn't just that, that makes me feel good, I am happy that I had a good emotional week, it is nice to feel normal, and well adjusted. I hope this feeling carries into the next year.

Depressed

I read that people who are depressed tend to talk behind people's backs more. Which I guess isn't surprising.  They themselves are feeling negative and down, so they want to bring everyone else down with them.  It has just made me think about my life, and how I am very quick sometimes to gossip and say nasty things, so I guess it is another thing to add to my list of things to improve.  I guess they found that happy people say positive things, pass on compliments and notice people's good points.  I can see the difference, I know when I am happier, I don't reflect on the bad so much.

But just when am I happier? 

I need to focus on that, and figure out what makes me happy. I know being with my children and husband makes me happy.  Reading a good book makes me happy. Fresh beautiful fallen snow makes me happy. Knowing I am trying to be a better person helps as well. So I guess I will have to just keep trying.

Being a Jerk.

I am not really a jerk, I am just a pregnant lady. It is hard being a pregnant lady, your body goes through all sorts of changes, and you mind does as well. You are carrying around another life form, that can suck the life out of you. You don't get enough sleep, you have to pee all the time, and you can't even put your shoes and socks on. Tell me that wouldn't piss you off. Picking up the front room is almost impossible. There is no end to what happens to you when you get pregnant, those warning announcements at the end of the drug commercials have nothing on being pregnant, side effects include; vomiting, gasiness, constipation, diarrhea, bloating, loss of appetite, increased appetite, loss of memory, tiredness, fatigue, moodiness, dry skin, itchy breast, swollen nipples, hemorrhoids, hair loss, extreme hair growth, clumsiness, loss of memory, etc, etc, etc. 

I could go on and on, and yet, people don't seem to get that yes, I will get short with you, yes I will cry at the drop of a hat, yes I will be moody and bitchy for almost no apparent reason, but I can't control this, I can't shut it off, it just happens. I don't know what I am saying, or wanting or needing anymore than you do.  I will be in the middle of screaming and I am thinking, what the hell? Why am I yelling?  Why am I upset about this?
 
Do you think I like feeling that a stranger has taken over my body?

Maybe it is just me, maybe I am the only pregnant lady that feels this way. Who knows. But I will tell you this, asking me why I am acting like a jerk does not help the situation. I mean, would you want to be the person that takes away the lions food, no, no one would so why on earth would you make a pregnant lady more pissed off?

Just try to love me, and show me that you understand, please, that is all I ask, and well maybe for a few hugs and lots and lots of chocolate.

Quiet time.

It is always nice to be up early and have the house to yourself for a while. My hubs has taken this week off from work and he is sleeping in, and the 1st it off at school, the 2nd is sound asleep, and here I am at the computer. I got up early to take my oldest son to school, he said he wanted to talk, this was the first time this year I had taken him to school.  Since he can be quite surly at times, and doesn't like to open up I figured I should jump at the chance.  It was nice talking to him, we talked about probable baby names, he hates the one name that my hubs and I have agreed upon so far, I mean hates. What do you do, do you still keep the name that another child hates or find a new one? Or do you tell them tough luck, you aren't the parent?

I am having my third boy, why are boy names so hard, I had some picked out when I was younger, but have since dated boys with those names, and they don't seem so good anymore. I don't want to name my son after some loser I was mistakenly in love it.  Also I have a lot of brothers and lots of male cousins, so those names are out, you want something that is special to that child, but not too crazy.  I am not really up for naming my child Brick, Clay, Sun, Ford, Harvest, Zander or any such nonsense, no offense to any outta touch parent who likes those names.  I want just a nice classic normal name, that isn't as common as Aiden, or Jack seems to be right now.  I guess I could do the Twilight thing, and name him Edward Jacob, ha haha yeah right, don't think so. Maybe we can wait until he is old enough to name himself, and end up with a name like Crackerjack, or Sippy cup.

I think we are almost ready for Christmas, only a tiny bit of shopping to do, and wrapping to do. We got the tree up, but nothing is on it, thank goodness it comes with the lights on it already, or else it would just be a bare tree. I am worried that the 2nd child will attack it, taking off ornaments, throwing them around the room, like he loves to do with everything else.  Or better yet, tossing things into the tree. He has an arm on him like you wouldn't believe, he better end up a pro football player or baseball player.  He chucks everything and anything, at everyone and everything.

I am feeling a bit more stable today, I don't feel as stressed or depressed, but that comes and goes. I wish I was this normal more often.  I have a feeling though that because I didn't get much sleep today, I might just end up my normal grumpy bitch self.  I hope not, my husband hopes not.

I have to say though, I am very blessed that I do not have to drive to work every morning, that my hubs takes the 1st to school, it is not easy to do.  I just wanted to let him know that I do appreciate all that he does for me.  I am grateful to have him in my life. If only he would stop hogging the bed. He would be just about perfect.

Good Day

Today was a good day, even though I am still in my pajamas.  I spent good time with my youngest, I was  able to finish a completely silly book, about Mr. Darcy. I thought it would be an easy read and it was. Talk about easy, let me write a book from a characters prospective where I don't have to come up with any original material, and I can even steal the the exact conversation that was written hundreds of years ago.  But I guess it works, because I read it.  But at least I didn't buy I, I checked it out from the library.  Yea, for libraries, so I don't have to waste my husbands hard earned money on crappy books.  I can save that for shoes!!!  hahaha, yeah right, I haven't bought shoes in months. But I would love to.

But I was also able to clean the living room, even under the couches, yeah i know I really cleaned the living room, makes me feel good seeing something accomplished. Although, by behind is covered with dog hairs, because I scooted around on the floor rather than spend the whole time bending and squatting. As long as it gets clean isn't that all the matters?  Well was clean, the 2nd is now trashing the place, man they make it so easy, you think you get rid of everything, so they can't keep messing things up, and they find new things to dump on the floor, and toss around the room. Well at least I know that it was clean for a few minutes.  One room clean for five minutes, that says a lot. Most of the rooms around here are trashed most of the time.  I guess this is part of nesting, I just wish I had the desire and energy to do it more often. Most days I am really too depressed to even know where to start.  I am hoping it passes once I have this baby. 

So finished a crappy book, played with the baby, and cleaned a room, all while in my pj's.  Oh and even better, I got to eat some real yummy cheesecake that my oldest made. Talk about yummy.  I taught him right. 

Holiday stress

Being pregnant, I can't seem to get into the holiday spirit.  We still have no tree, haven't bought anything for christmas, and right now I just don't care. It seems so far away, yet I know it is just next week. I guess I am too obsessed with this next baby.  That is just over two months away.  We still have no name, well I have a name, but it isn't accepted by everyone in the house. What's a girl to do?  I know that we won't leave the hospital with out a name, only because we will be too lazy to want to go the courthouse to file the new name. So even if we end up naming him Blank Wall, or Call Button, he will have a name.

I have no idea as to what to get my husband, we are getting one big family gift, so we are spending less on everyone else, he gave me a few ideas, but I know he won't be giving me too much money, so most of his idea's just won't work. Don't ask for a safe that is 200 bucks, if that is all the money you will be giving me for everyone. The math doesn't work, which is funny, because he is the one that is supposed to be good with math.

Two months, the number keeps flashing in my mind, two months and we will have another little guy around the house. Two months and I won't be preggers anymore. Just so weird.

Should I say, yahoo, I am just so excited, but in truth I am overwhelmed, it is so much to think about.

On a side note, I keep thinking about a old friend, someone I haven't seen or talked to in over a year, why is it bugging me that she is on the fringes of my life. She didn't make an effort to keep up the friendship, nor did I.  I am not at a loss without her, in fact, I am sort of better off without her, because of her children really, and how she would use and abuse me. I am glad to be rid of her, but at the same time, why I am being held hostage by thoughts of her. Why am I thinking about her well being. It isn't a feeling of missing her friendship, it is different than that. I can't explain it.  Is this remorse? is this guilt, is this shame, mourning, a sense of loss?  I don't know, but I have had dreams about her, and I keep seeing stuff about her on facebook.  It is just weird.  Why am I even talking about it on here?  What am I trying to figure this out?  To what end?   I guess I will have to wait it out and see, see if something happens or changes. Who knows. All too weird.

Sick of being sick

Warning this is a bit graphic, if you don't like to hear about used food flying out of the human body, you may not want to read this. 

We have all had the rounds of some sort of stomach bug, it stated with the youngest, and it was not pretty.  Chocolate cake and curled milk does not make for very pretty throw up. It was a mess, everything in his crib was hit, he even had it in his ear. That's how I found myself in a shower holding a crying baby, in the middle of the night. Only having to strip all our bedding fifteen minutes later.  Yep, we brought him into bed with us, and that got tagged as well.  Between 12 and 3, we had washed two loads of laundry, changed the baby three times, made the bed again and he was finally asleep. One of the highlights was when hubs grabbed the tub we were using to catch everything, and splashed throw up all over me, at least it was mostly water by this point. But still it was gross.  It is amazing just what you will endure when one of your children are sick. My husband was so good with him.  It was quite sweet seeing him be so patience and gentle with him. 

Next it was my husbands turn, at least this time nothing got tagged, nor did we have any late night showers. But it hit him right before bed, and his night became a night of a 1,000 waterfalls. If you have ever needed to have a colonoscopy you know what I mean.  He was throwing up, as he was sitting on the toilet, it was coming out from both ends at the same time.  He ended up missing work, and just about the whole next day. I haven't ever seen him that sick. It was hard to see him suffering so much.

My turn happened yesterday, it came on real fast. My husband was working, but I was blessed enough to have him come home early,  he was able to nurse me, and take care of the rest of the house. But as fast as it came, it left just as fast. But I have to ask, have your ever been so sick your were afraid to go to sleep because you might mess your pants? Then, you are sick enough to not care if you mess yourself in your sleep?  That is what this does to you. I am just glad it is over.  I hope that no one else gets this bug, and who ever gave it to us, may the lord have mercy on your soul.

I have had quite a break in writing, I have been trying to figure out just what I want to say on here, what direction I want to take. I hate to come off as whiny, and bitchy, but at this point of my life I really am. But I also feel like I am not being totally honest, like I am still guarding myself, and my family. Maybe with time I will learn to let it fly. But at the same time is that needed? Maybe I just need more direction, and be more to the point. I guess we will have to see where this thing goes.  But I know for sure I won't become so messed up and disturbed as to ask the world if I should keep my baby or not, that chick is messed up, on many levels.

I hope that you have a great day!

No good deed, goes unpunished.

Well I worked on getting my room cleaner, it took a few hours. I felt really good about it, and as soon as my hubs got home all the good feelings I had were gone. He didn't praise me, or compliment me, he complained because I left a framed piece of art leaning next to his side of the bed.  Why do I even bother if all I am going to get is crap, why try to improve?  "Hey little lady, who has fallen and can't get up, let me come over and kick you.  Really, I am only trying to help you, if I don't let you know what you are doing wrong, how can you get better?"

I have heard of stay at home mom's writing up list of all their jobs, and what a person would get paid for it, and how what we do is priceless.  But it isn't praise less. I would love to hear thank you, wow that was great, you did a good job keep it up.  How much would that cost?  Nothing, but it would go a long way. I guess my self esteem isn't worth the effort. No wonder my mother went crazy.  I would to, if it meant a few months off, with out any demands.  Heck, I would settle for getting my appendix taken out again, if it meant a night off at the hospital. 

I guess this is just another example of how I need to look inside my self to make myself happy. But is that really a fair thing to ask of a wife, and mother, that to find happiness she must rely on herself alone. No one would expect the children, or husband to satisfy all their mental health needs themselves.  The world teaches that we are here to build a home, and to build up our children, and support our husbands. And that it is a selfish woman that looks to build herself up first. 

Where is the balance? When do I get to make myself feel better guilt free? When do I get to build myself up, and not have someone else demolish it so easily?