New Outlook, New Design, What do you think?

I was thinking a while back that I wasn't too happy with the look of my blog, it was too depressing. So I decided to mix it up a bit. I am feeling more uplifted so I figured my blog should reflect that. I am so happy to have gone to therapy, it took a while to take that step, but I'm thinking it is really working. Both because I have a great therapist and because I was ready. You really need to be willing to go, if you are there for the wrong reasons you are just wasting your time and theirs.

I don't feel as angry or as mad. I don't hurt as much, and mostly, what I think is the best part is that I don't find myself wishing pain on others. When you hurt inside and have for a very long time, you just want others to feel the same way you do. You want then to feel your pain, so maybe they can understand you better. But that isn't fair to others, they have their own pain to deal with, you don't need to share.

I am also realizing I know what it means to be hungry and full again. I always thought that I was an emotional eater, but now I know I was. I had so much pain, hurt and despair going on, I couldn't really feel anything else.  My body couldn't tell when I was hungry, or when I had too much to eat. But I am learning again how uncomfortable it is to be full.

Well I have more work to do, have a great day!

Black beans and rice!!

Ok I need to add a disclaimer here, I in no way guarantee that this recipe will result in a dish that you will enjoy. For me I loved them, but maybe you will have a different take on them. Also, I have a very low pantry right now, so I had to make some substitutes for what I was lacking, but I rarely use recipes, so I am just going to outline what I did to the best of my memory. One last thing, because I have a teenager that likes things spicy and babies who don't like the heat, I made this like a base, where different flavors can be added depending upon taste. Also it might get a bit wordy, sorry.

Beans, I used about two cups of black beans, I didn't measure just tossed in what was left of the bag I had on hand. So about half of a small bag of beans.  I rinsed and drained them,added enough water about an inch over the top of the beans, put them on to boil on a medium high heat uncovered, as the water was absorbed I added more water to it.  Just use water, don't add anything else at this point or else your beans won't get soft. It took about 90 minutes to get them soft, you can tell by the sound they make when you stir them. They will sound hollow at first, then more dense as they take on more water.  Also some will start to crack. But taste them, you may want them softer so you will need to keep boiling them until you like the texture of them. Once soft turn off the heat and let them sit until you add them to the celery mix.

While the beans cooked I made the rice, I used brown jasmine rice, I bought in bulk at Winco. I love this type of rice. It is much better tasting them other brown rices I have tried and cooks up softer. To make my brown rice, I heat oil in a large pot, about one to two table spoons depending on the amount of rice you are using, It just needs to cover the bottom of the pan.  I added salt and coriander, I eye balled both,Just a few shakes of the coriander, a little more of the salt, all depends on your preference.  (If you haven't used coriander, it is a citrus smelling spice, I used grounded type. I add it to all sorts of things, pies, soups, roasts.)  Once the oil is hot I add the rice, 2 cups, I stir the rice frequently, until you can start to smell it, and you will, this is when the rice blossoms.  Then I added 4 cups of water, I let the rice boil covered for 20 minutes on med high heat, resist the urge to lift the lid until the 20 minutes is up. Then, I turned it down to simmer for another 10, but watch your water, if you think it is all out you will want to reduce this time, but brown rice always takes a bit longer than white rice. Once it has simmered, I remove it from the heat for another ten minutes leaving it covered. This is how I always make my brown rice, for white rice, I just reduce the cooking time and leave out the coriander, and use less water, instead of two cups of water to one cup if rice, I do a cup and a half of water.  I will simmer it for 20 minutes, then remove it from the heat for ten minutes, then it is perfect and fluffy.

While the rice was finished, and sitting in the pot waiting for the beans to finish, I got the rest of it ready. I chopped about a cup and half of celery, and put it in a bowl, I added about a table spoon of dried garlic slices, (I crushed up a bit) to the celery to help reconstitute it.  I also smashed up three beef bouillon cubes and added them, along with some diced pickled jalapenos, which I left  big so I can make sure the babies don't get them. Once I knew the beans were soft, I heated up a little oil in a frying pan, added the celery mix, I then added about a tablespoon of deli honey mustard, (no reason for the honey, just didn't have regular) with a 1/3 cup of water, to soften the bouillon further . I let them cook just a few minutes because they are for color and texture, so you don't want the celery to be super mushy. I then added the beans. I didn't strain them, I used a slotted spoon to move them into the bowl, so the water they were cooked in, was left in the original pan. I mixed the beans into the celery mix, then I added the rice. I also think beans need a bit of fat to help them out, so I added 4 tablespoons of butter, Once it is all mixed, it is ready to serve. If you noticed the only salt I added was when I cooked the rice, since I added the beef bouillon, and that can be very salty. But you may want to add salt and pepper to taste.

For my teenager, he added a LOT more hot sauce, and who knows what else, sometimes I am afraid to ask.
For the babies I made sure they didn't have any jalapenos, and added sugar. They are eating black beans and brown rice, so a little sugar isn't going to hurt them.
For me, I added juice from a fresh lime, man, really limes are the trick if you want to boast up the flavor of your latin food.  I add them to all sorts of things. I also added sugar to mine, not much, but I think it brings out the flavor of the beans. I also added a touch of hot sauce.

If I had more stocked in my pantry I would have used onions instead of celery. But I liked the celery. I also would have added cumin, which is a must for any mexican food. It may take a few times to get used to it, but it is the flavor that makes it earthy tasting, if that makes sense. You could also chop up fresh cilantro to add at the end. You can also add cayenne pepper to the celery mix,  or red pepper flakes if you like a lot of heat. You can also add mexican oregano, that would add another level of flavor. If you don't have limes, lemons would do. A bit of acid makes things pop, so in a real pinch you could add a dash of vinegar to the celery mix. I would have also used fresh jalapenos.  You could also add diced tomatoes, canned or fresh. Or get real crazy and add diced green olives.

If you want it to be lower in fat, leave out the butter, and just use the water when you cook the celery mix. I think the oil really helps with the brown rice though. My husband hates brown rice, but when I made it like this before, he said it was much better than the rice he had growing up.

I hope you got through this long recipe, maybe if I had to write them out more often I would be more concise.  If you think I am not clear, or maybe left something out, or if you think something I did sounds whack, let me know.

Second round, so much pain.

So I was able to see my therapist again and I have to tell you it was a very emotional experience. After discussing my past last time, she recommended I try a trauma therapy. I won't go into details about the treatment itself, because you really need a trained therapist to help you with it. I wouldn't want anyone to try it on their own and get even more screwed up because I wrote about it on here, and then that person feels the need to come and hunt me down and serve me with legal papers because they want to sue my ass. I mean they can try and I am sure there is a jury out there that would let them win, and award them millions of dollars, but I don't have millions of dollars. Being a stay at home mom, the only thing I have in millions is guilt and regrets, and you don't have to sue me for them, I will gladly give them to you for free, Sucker. So you will need to speak to a certified therapist about it, if you are interested, and by certified, I don't mean go ask google.

So she walked me through this process and it brought up trauma from an event very early in my childhood, that I wasn't fully aware of. I didn't remember all of it, but I did remember enough of it, especially the pain, I would equate it to the pain I felt when I found out my father died. I had no idea that was still lingering inside of me. And after having it released, I can see how it affected so many aspects of my life. I can say I feel less anger now, and I feel calmer. Going to bed at night has been a stressful time for me, I didn't like being left alone with my thoughts and fears, but the night I got home, I easily went to bed with out a second thought about it. I can also see how it has made it easier to get past things that happened later in life. I held a lot of resentment towards my parents, because of my moms bipolar roller coaster and my father's working man's denial. I haven't been able to let go of and that has become much less. Which is a nice burden to let go of.

She also said that I would have all sorts of good memories come back to me, and I have had a flood of them come at me. I realized that I remember running around with a cousin of mine when we were very little.  Just before I turned three. Why this is important is because she was burned all over her body when she was three, and I always thought of her after she was burned, but I remember her before that happened. It was sort of like a puzzle coming together.  I have a lot of memories from when I was younger.  They all seem much happier now.

I don't know if I will need to try it again or not, but it would be worth it, all the pain it brings up, because you get to work through the pain and let it all go. It is nice to be able to release all of it. At this point my only wish would be that I had a few days without any pressing responsibility (yes, that is a nice way to say a break from being a SAHM) to fully process everything. When you are running around wiping noses, butts and counter tops, you don't get to totally take everything in and have the full effect take place. You feel completely stimulated because your brain is bombarded with memories, while being bombarded with request all at the same time. Which is leaving me a bit frazzled. But over all, it has been very beneficial to my mental health.

Working it out.

I went to see a therapist last week. So it was ok, I enjoyed having someone to talk to and listen to me.  It allows me to think about my life and what it really important. I had a interesting thought later that same night about my upbringing. How I was forced into the roll of a caregiver and how this role has affected many of the aspects of my life. From how I interact with my brothers, the boyfriends I have had, to how I raise my children. Also, I realized that I can't trust those that are supposed to be my caregivers. So in the past I picked people who were distance and unable to give me the care and protection I needed. I picked people who were too self involved to really truly care about me. But I don't think my husband is that way. He cares for me greatly, and I am learning the ways in which he shows me that.

This really helped me realize that my brothers are my brothers and my children are my children. There is a difference I didn't fully see before. I also know that I can't be blamed for how I was a caregiver when I was younger and that I need to let go of that guilt and regret. Honestly, would you expect a 7 year old girl to know how to be a caregiver? No, so I need to let that go. Also I need to break habits that I took on when I was that young and watching four younger children than me, with out much support from others. I couldn't control everything, like where we lived, what we had to eat or didn't have, I couldn't control what sort of resources we had. But those are things I can control now. I need to own those things, and make things better with what I have.

I hope to be able to work on this, I know things don't change over night. But it really was an eye opener. It made me realize that perhaps I keep drama loving people in my life, because I then could be their caregivers. Why perhaps I choose certain men in my life, so I could "mother" them. But why that didn't work, because I too needed someone to "mother" me. I am always looking to my mother to fill that role, but I need to accept the fact that she isn't ever going to be able to not, the way I want her to. So I need to accept her for how and who she is. That is hard, your mom is supposed to be your mom, not a bipolar crazy, all drugged up.

I am also hoping to get some insight into why I can't finish things, why I can't succeed, and become better.  Like this morning, I know I need to work out and lose weight, I read an article about preventing diabetes, which is huge in my family, by working out with weights.  Something that I started to do months ago, but with the holidays I let slide.  I started walking again but I kept putting off the weights. Why? That is what I want to know, why? I know I need to, I have been able to in the past, I know how it makes me feel, why would I not be motivated any longer? That is something I want an answer to. It would be able to help me with all sorts of things. But until I figure that out, I just need to do it, just start lifting weights, just clean the house, just work on my art work. Because tomorrow is coming no matter what. Life still marches on, even if I don't want to join the band.

A perfectly clean house, all the time.

So I hit on this thought late last night, so shoot me if it goes to straight? Is that the right line?  Maybe my hubby knows. Anyway, I was thinking of a way to always have a perfectly clean house. We had a party a few weeks back and have wanted to try to keep the house just was clean as it was, for the most part we are doing better, but it hasn't stayed as clean, it might be impossible, that is until I figured out how to keep it clean. Here are my steps to a clean house.

1. First you have to clean it, clean it like you have never cleaned before, under the couches, dust the moldings, clean out the dryer lint, windex the peep holes in your doors, everything.  Sure it will take time, it is hard work cleaning everything, but follow my list and it will be the last time you have to clean your house like this ever again, trust me. ; )

2. Never cook again, yep, not only do you get a clean house, but you also get out of kitchen duty. Sure you need things to eat, just load up on fresh fruit and veggies you can eat raw. And, I will be generous here, get cold cereal, ones you can eat right out of the box. If you must have more than that, stock up on paper goods. Ones super cheap, cause you are just gonna toss those babies. Buy only foods you can eat with your hands. Crackers, carrot sticks, pop cycles, I think you get the point.  You put a lot of time and effort into cleaning that kitchen, why ruin it by making tuna casserole? No one ever died from eating snacks, want something hot, eat out.  Nope no take out, that will create more of mess than you want at this point. Save yourself trouble while you move your stove out to clean under it, just unplug that baby, so you won't be tempted to whip up some funeral potatoes.

3. This step will be the hardest, wear the same clothes everyday. Come on, you can do this one, think of all the time and energy you will save on doing laundry. No clothes to fold, no socks to sort, no pants to iron. Just pick out your most versatile outfit and stick to it. Wear it, until it falls off of you, then you can pick the next outfit you want to wear to death. This is how they saved lots of time in the olden days, they had just a few outfits to wear, you didn't see them hoarding up on fabric softener did you?  Nope, just one change of clothes will be just fine. Beside it will help you figure out just who your true friends are. You don't need some wanna be fashion police on you all day do you? No way, you want someone who wants you around for you, not because your clothes are clean and fresh smelling.

4. This step maybe easier for some of you than others. Stop taking showers or bathing the children. Why? That just messes up the bathroom, so go ala french and give up the soap. But I am sure this will be hard for some of you, so you can ween yourselves slowly, and take showers while wearing your clothes, so you get two for one, clean body, clean clothes. But I am warning you, it will cause a lot of water dripping issues, so use this time to mop the floors. As you head outdoors to air dry.

See, doesn't my plan just sound perfect, if you don't eat, no dirty dishes, if you don't change your clothes, no laundry, no showers, no soap buildup. You will also have to toss out any toys your children have, never get the mail, now will you won't be able to have any sort of celebrations or holidays, that just opens up your home for all sorts of clutter. I plan on starting tomorrow, I will let you know how it goes.

P.S. I pulled these images off of google, just for a touch of color. enjoy!