What a way to start a friday.

I just came to ask if it is a bad thing that I want to start my day off by punching someone?  It is a certain person, not just a random stranger.  I wanted to post this on facebook but thought people already think I am a pretty aggressive person and I didn't want to make that impression stronger.  I am just feeling stress about this weekend, and I keep thinking about someone in my life that causes me a great deal of stress, and I would love to take it all out on them.  But I digress, you just can't go around punching people, we are civilized, not a bunch of thugs.  So I will get my kids all dressed up, make up my list and shuffle off to the grocery store, like a good little suburban  housewife.  All while dreaming of the day I can just unload on someone. hahahahahaha (insert evil laugh here.)

I am up early today, way too early.

I got up early today because I was tired of my baby using me as a human pacifier.  I love him, but he doesn't need to use me every hour and a half to get back to sleep.  I know what is wrong with him, he needs to poop.  I feel bad for him, and I want to comfort him, but letting him mindlessly nurse isn't going to help him in the long run.  It will only teach him that food is there to comfort him, which as you may not know from all my other post is a very bad idea.

I watched Anderson the other afternoon, which isn't a bad show by the way, and it was all about eating, and eating disorders.  Not the binge and purging type, but the why we eat the way we do.  You know angry eating, night eating, that sort of thing and it talked about something I have known for a long time, our eating habits are formed when we are children.  I know I am a spontaneous and implosive eater.  I also want to eat it now, so I get my share.  Because growing up we were very poor at times, with seven kids, if you didn't eat it then, someone else would.  To add to this, I would, at times go hungry.  If you haven't ever gone without food, you don't know what it is like.  I also had younger siblings to worry about.  My mother would be in the hospital for months on end, my father would be out working for hours on end and I would be home with four younger brothers in the house and have no food to make them. (maybe that is why I connect feeding people, with showing my love for them, again, something I need to think about)

I struggle with this still to this day, I hate to think about my children going hungry, especially going to bed without any food. My husband on the other hand had a different childhood.

Yes, they were also poor, but not as poor as us. The also had one more child than us, eight kids to feed. But he had celiac sprue disease, where he couldn't eat gluten.  So he had his own special food no one else could eat.  So he learned to be a hoarder.  He didn't have to worry about finishing his food, because no one else was allowed to eat it. He also would go to bed without eating dinner if it was something he didn't like. So he looks at food in a very different way than I do. But I can't help but think that if just maybe he had to starve a few times, he would have learned to be grateful and eat anything.  (I just realized, I hadn't before understood that I saw my husband as ungrateful for the food I provide him.  That is very interesting, I need to think about that for a while. That might be part of our on going battle we have over dinner.  But I need to feel this out first).  Also, I am jealous that food is just food to him. Clearly it isn't to me, but he doesn't think about food, or wonder what his next meal will be, or what he wants to make, or but at the grocery store, while food is on my mind all the time.  Eating it, making it, shopping for it.   Besides my children, that is what takes up most of my time.

When I decided to write today, I didn't have this topic in mind.  I was going to write about how I feel lonely, but I got to say, I got past that feeling really quickly.  That I can say is from my working out, it has helped me mentally, so much so, I now work out with out thinking about it.  All this week, I just knew it was something I needed to do, so I just went and did it.  I was able to walk for an hour yesterday, not because before it was a struggle, but because the babies slept enough for me.  It was awesome. Some days I am lucky if I get 30 minutes in, before they wake up.  I haven't seen too many big changes, but a lot of little ones, from my mental state, to my energy level, to my shoes fitting better.  I want to see some big changes, but I know that will take a lot more time and effort.  But at least I am giving myself a fighting chance.

I am going to go, and try to sleep, because the babies will be up soon. But I am going to think about my newly discovered feelings I have about my husband and his eating issues and see how this makes me feel.

So here we are again.

I really wish that kissing a booboo, really made everything better, don't you?  Live would be much easier. Anyway, back to why I am posting today.

I don't really have a reason why, just haven't really posted anything in a while, so I thought I would hop on here and see what happens.  I am in a pretty good mood, although I had huge battle with my child today over taking some medicine that I have to admit, smells like it taste awful.  Why they can't get things to taste better for children I don't know.  He is just two, and you want him to drink something that taste like oil, turpentine, and bad cheese mixed together, lets get real.  That ain't going to happen, all you are doing is making more laundry for me, as he spits it out all over everything and everyone in his path.  So not only does it taste bad, it has to be a bright pink as well.  I swear, the people that come up with this stuff, must not only don't have kids, but have never been with in 50 feet of them. And don't get me started on my insurance company, not covering a spacer for a child needing an inhaler.  That was a call I regret making, I can't stand talking to those people. "well, just use your flexible spending account"  Yeah lady, because some how that is magically not real money that doesn't effect my bottom line.  It is still my money, and 55 bucks goes a long way.  So I will just get my doctor to prescribe a nebulizer, which will cost you way more in the long run. But, I digress, that really isn't what I wanted to blog about, was it? 

I have been working out constantly lately and it has felt really good. I have even started to lift weights,I think that will be the key to me finally losing some weight.  You loose muscles as you get older and you need them to help you burn calories. So I hope this works, I can see very small changes, I mean small. Like a tiny bit of more definition around my wrist and ankles.  But the biggest change has been in my mental attitude, that has gotten better by leaps and bounds.  So for now that is enough to keep me going.

What I need now at this point is more sleep, my son woke up every hour last night, that was hard, but he has slept through the night before, and I am sure he will again.  But right now he is paging me, so I better get going, sorry I didn't proof read this. 

Finally, actual painting in sight.

I have taped everything off, dropped plastic on the counters, and I am as ready to paint as ever. For some crazy reason I decided to paint over my already white ceiling.  I know, silly idea, but I just want the room to have a fresher feel to it. I just need to get the babies to sleep.  Then maybe later this week, I can get the walls painted, and my mosaic finally started.
 
I have been lucky enough to be able to work out the last few weeks. I even added weights, and I can feel a difference.  Lots more energy, lots more motivation. I love how you feel when you start working out, like your body is tighter and leaner already.  Then, Boom, you look in the mirror and dang it, you can't see a single change. I wish the physical side changed as fast as the mental side.

OOPS, the baby is stuck, gotta go.

I hate being sick.

I have had several ideas about different things to blog about, making a pie, the night of never ending poo, and getting tired of having no motivation, but between me being sick and the boys being sick, and the dogs being gross smelly dogs, I haven't had the chance.  So maybe in a few days I can bust out a few more post, full of poo, pie, and progress.  I really hope things get better, I feel like my spirit is gone, I feel broken and no amount of ginger ale, is going to make it better.

Projects, pap smears, procrastating.

I have a major project that is getting no where.  I need to paint the kitchen, do the window treatments, and make a table runner. There is more I wanted to do, but since my husband has taken to reading this blog on occasion, I don't want to list too many, because he will be bugged.  Just like he is getting bugged right now as he reads that I have more I want to do besides, paint and tile.  HEHEEheEhhe, I love you babe!  Please don't be mad.  Now that I finally have a baby that sleeps during the day with some regularity, that should help. That is only if, I can stay off the computer long enough while he sleeps to get things done. I need to get the walls prepped more, then break up the tiles, and get the supplies to paint and tile, and the wood for the window treatments, just two valances, one will be really small, I promise babe. Maybe this labor day weekend, I can bust some of it, or maybe all of it out??  Maybe.

I had my annual pap the other day, counting my drive time I was in and out in less than an hour, and it is a 20 minute drive one way. I didn't have to pee in a cup, but I did get the fastest breast exam and pap I have ever had.  I felt like a car during in a pit stop, during the Daytona 500.  "lay down, scoot your behind to the edge, spread your knees"  Cue the hydraulic drill noises..."Okay, you will feel some pressure...ok, you can sit up now."  I guess that is why you should have a OBGYN do it over your run of the mill family dr, they just get in and out as fast as possible.  But I got to say if my doctors breast exams are anything like his back massages, he would make a fortune. But the best things about it, I don't have to do that for another 12 months. Yippie!!

I hate that I put things off, I just got to go do them, so off I go, to do something.