Wants and needs.

Is it bad to want and need things? 

Before you answer you need to know where I am coming from. I grew up poor with a mentally ill mother and a workaholic father. Neither gave me much in the line of material things nor in emotional needs. I was left alone with my siblings for hours on end night or day for months on end.

Sometimes with no food, or running water or clean clothes, or toilet paper even.  So you can imagine we didn't learn very many coping skills. On any level.  Because when your energy is spent on basic needs, you can't learn emotional lessons.  And it still affects me to this day. Being isolated and alone.

I love my husband but look for reasons to fight with out even realizing it. I want to push him and every one else away. I feel like I have to fight for love and attention. Damn it, notice me. Love me. Pay attention to me.

I was sexually abused and no one knew. I was made fun of on a daily basis for the way I looked and smelled.  I was an outcast even at church and in my own family. I wore shoes until they fell apart with no socks to speak of. I had no roll model to teach me hygiene.  I was the smelly kid, for years. I even missed school because I had no clothes to wear. My mom had to make me pants, which ended up coming apart at the seams.

I was neglected.  Ignored and forgotten.  I can think of many women in my life who just did nothing. Aunts, teachers and church leaders. I even had some make fun of me. And they knew, I mean really, how could they not know? I was let down over and over. I just wanted to be loved and accepted.  Once I didn't get that from those who loved me, I moved on to the jerks and idiots who love damaged girls.

And here is the kicker, I know my childhood sucked and I know I was let down, but all I can say is that was life, be stronger cause no one cares.  Suck it up. Move on.

I really want to say, love yourself. Take care of yourself.  Build yourself up.

But, yep there is always a but, I say why? Why bother, who cares, it doesn't matter.  Won't make a difference. Give up and move on.

So not only do I reject others I reject myself. I can't even open up and love me. I can't want or need to love myself because I am not worth it.

This bothers me. But I don't have the skills to make it right. I don't know how to change it.  How to open up and accept love and let others in. How to find value in myself.

So really is it bad to want and need things? Is it bad to want to love myself and those around me in a healthy way? To need others? Really?  And how do I do it?

Go to lunch.

Salmon Patty from Costco.  With broccoli, mushrooms and peas. I cook them with a touch of olive oil, soy sauce, and a drizzle of rice vinegar after it is all cooked.

I leave the lid on so it steams. So yummy and crisp and clean tasting.

I guess I should talk more about other things in my life. I mean I am so much more than food, I mean I have kids for Pete's sake.

I also try to work out. I am trying something new, more intense 30 minutes rather than an hour of so so working out. So far so good.

Hope that was better.

Second place dinner.

I was hoping to have bean and Bacon soup tonight for dinner, but that didn't pan out. Instead it is oatmeal made with water. Yuck!

I guess I shouldn't say yuck, it just isn't my first choice. But I didn't think of the beans and Bacon yesterday to start soaking the beans. So they are about two hours away from being soft enough.  So they will be Saturdays dinner.

And tonight I eat regular oatmeal with apples, raisins and spices.  Not my favorite but could be worse. I also sweetened it with agave if that means anything to you.

But if my brain starts working I may realize that agave has fructose which is not seen the same as sucrose in your brain. So I might have to find a new sweetener. Yippie!

This oatmeal is quickly taking on the taste of raw bread dough, if this keeps up, I will be on to dinner #3.

Nuts for bananas.

My breakfast,
Banana smoothie,
Two bananas
2 cups skim milk
1 container of light very vanilla yogurt
Two handfuls of ice
1/4. Cup of original  instant oatmeal (had a open package I wanted to finish off)
1/4 cup slivered almonds
A drizzle of agave nectar
Several shakes of ground coriander
Add all ingredients to blender.  Blend until smooth, serve immediately. 
It made about 6 cups.  I had about three.  It wasn't too bad, next time I would use more oatmeal. 

Dinner, but was it enough?

So tomorrow I will be more organized and do all this at once, but here is my dinner.  I had oven baked seasoned chicken tenders, sweet potato, with salt-n-pepper and cinnamon.  Then roasted Brussels sprouts with olive oil, walnuts and red pepper flakes.  I am also pleased I didn't stress about finishing my food, I just couldn't polish off all of my dinner and didn't think twice about tossing it. That is new for me. Something I have been struggling with for a long time now. 

It was pretty good, but since I am back to healthy eating that means no eating after seven pm. But I broke that rule, I had some raw baby carrots. I just needed something to munch on, that feeling of eating, more than really being hungry, I mean for petes sake I just ate dinner.

Speaking of breaking rules, I also had a rice cereal treat and a spoonful of chocolate mousse. It was so yummy. I must say that I made sure my teenager polished off the last if it, (yeah I am a real meanie forcing my bottomless pit of a son to eat all sorts if treats I am tempted with.) Because it takes a bit to completely get back into the swing of things, so I am not going to beat myself up over it.

I am waiting for the boys to get into bed, than I will attempt a work out. Yeah, attempt cause it has been two weeks. I am worn out and out of shape again. So I am going to take it easy.

Salad, oh how I have missed you.

So here is my lunch, the first one if 2013.

Yep it is salad, with mixed greens, tomatoes,  mushrooms, a egg, yep just one and some chopped up Turkey.

Yes it is a big salad, I need it today, just like I needed the light dressing and cottage cheese. 

I am starving and will be for a long while, so bring on the veggies.

Notice the two pans in the background?  Those are rice cereal treats, one batch even has dark chocolate chips added. I am sure they are good,  but I won't be eating any today. Thank you very much.

Starting a day early? Maybe not.

I wanted to get back into eating healthy again, I was going to start tomorrow, but with the way my ring finger feels, with an ever increasingly tight ring on it. I NEED to start today. Today!

But the issue is it is very hard to stop eating sweets and treats, even harder when they are right there daring you to eat them. Like left over dough dogs, or scones as some of you might know them.

Although if I can make it through today, tomorrow will be easier.